Meant To Be 4

Trial By Fire

by SJSlashfan

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/ass/sjslashfan/meantt04.php
Summary: Janet worries about Sam when Daniel is lost on a mission.

"Mommy!" Mikey cried as he sat atop Sam's shoulders at the Monster Truck expo. "Look at what that truck's doing!"

Sharon smiled, and looked over at her lover. From the expression on Cora's face, if possible she was enjoying the spectacle even more than their son. She touched Janet's arm. "This was such a good idea," she said.

Janet smiled. "It was Sam who thought of it," she said. "Frankly I think she's just pleased to borrow Mikey to have an excuse to come. Look at her, she's having the time of her life!" she pointed to Sam who was grinning from ear to ear.

= = =

"I've said it before, and I'll say it again," Janet put her hand over Sam's as they drove home from Sharon and Cora's house. "You, Captain Carter, are a genius."

Sam grinned. "It was a great day, wasn't it? Did you see Mikey's face?" she asked.

"Yeah," Janet said. "It was just like yours! Truly Sam, I swear I've never seen you so excited."

Sam quirked an eyebrow. "Never?" she asked, her voice laden with dry humor.

Janet grinned. "Never outside the bedroom, that is," she said. She saw Sam about to speak, and remembered the evening before when they hadn't made it further than the couch in Sam's living room. "Okay, smartass," she smiled. "Never with all your clothes on!"

Sam grinned back. "You win," she said. "What do you want to do tonight?"

"Nothing," Janet said firmly. "I just want to be with you."

"How about we get a ridiculously expensive bottle of Merlot, and put on a few CDs?" Sam suggested.

"Perfect," Janet smiled as she sat back in her seat. "You can start taking me through Bach," she mused.

"Deal," Sam said, a contented smile on her face. She pulled up at the lights, and looked straight into Janet's eyes. "This was a good day, baby," she said to her lover.

"It was, Sam," Janet agreed. "It really was."

= = =

"How long for?" Janet tried to keep her voice even. She knew that this was part of the deal, part of what it meant to be Sam's partner.

"I'll be back later today," Sam put a reassuring hand on Janet's arm. "It's a fascinating planet, it has some sort of volcanic beach. We're just going to get samples, preliminary recon, nothing more. I expect we'll be gone less than six hours. There's no danger, Janet, I swear." Sam hated that she was causing Janet anxiety, but this was part of her job. It was also the first time she had gone offworld and left behind somebody she cared about, who cared as much about her. "I'll be as careful as I can, Jan, I swear," Sam pulled Janet to her and kissed her softly.

Janet started to respond to the kiss, but then suddenly pulled back. "Cameras!" she hissed, pointing at the surveillance camera in the corner of Sam's lab.

Sam grinned. "Blind spot," she said. "In fact, this whole side by the bookshelf can't be seen at all by the camera," she pushed Janet gently against the wall, and kissed her again, her hands cupping her face as she slipped her tongue in her mouth. "I love you so much, Janet," Sam breathed.

Janet pulled away reluctantly. "And I love you Sam," she replied. "But we can't get caught. Anyone could walk in."

Sam nodded sadly. "I know," she said. "I'm sorry. But it's your fault. You shouldn't be so damned beautiful."

"My office next time," Janet said. Smiling as Sam's look of bewilderment. "It's about the only place in the whole mountain where privacy is guaranteed," she said.

Sam smiled. "You should go," she said. "Leave a message on my cell if your shift is over before we get back," Sam asked.

Janet shook her head. Sam looked confused. "No," Janet explained. "I'm not leaving this mountain until I'm sure you're back safe and sound. I'll make some excuse about running tests or something if I need to."

"But we could be late," Sam objected. "I really don't know what time we'll be back. I don't want you missing sleep if we're delayed."

"I won't sleep until I see your face anyway," Janet admitted.

Sam pulled Janet back by the bookshelf, enveloping her in her long arms, and just held her close for a few seconds. "Never forget how much I love you," she whispered to her. She released her and stroked her cheek before clearing her throat. "Okay," she said. "Get back to the infirmary, doctor, before they send a search party. I'll see you for the pre-mission medical."

Janet squeezed her fingers before pulling herself up to her full height and striding back to the infirmary. She could still feel Sam's soft fingers on her cheek. Janet wondered how she could ever before have believed herself in love; what she felt now was on a whole different level to anything she had ever experienced.

= = =

David Richmond flicked through the Rolodex on his office desk. Finding the number he was looking for, he dialed. The call was quickly answered. "Ernie?" David said.

"Who wants to know?" the voice replied warily.

"Ernie, it's me. David. Richmond. From Stevens & Sparks," David was impatient.

"Hey dude," Ernie replied. "Don't tell me, you need me to find somebody for a client?"

"Not exactly," David said. "This one's off the record. Can you meet me in the coffee shop across from the park in," he looked at his watch, "two hours?"

"Sure, whatever you need," Ernie replied.

"Just one thing," David said. "Don't tell anybody you're meeting me, right?"

= = =

Janet was just starting to wonder if she could expect Sam back anytime soon. SG-1 had left Earth nearly four hours before. She let herself imagine she would soon see Sam's dazzling smile as she strode down the ramp in the 'gate room. At that moment, she heard the klaxon sounding. She held her breath, and then her blood ran cold as she heard the dreaded words "medical team to the 'gate room". Janet set a new record for running to the elevator, and cursed as it took almost 20 seconds to reach level 21, where her infirmary was housed. She was just about to sprint to the stairs to bolt down to level 28 when she heard the 'ping' and flung herself into the elevator, all the while issuing instructions via her radio to bring gurneys and med kits. Just over one minute after the tannoy's announcement, she was in the 'gate room, just in time to see a soaking wet and dazed Sam appear on the ramp, seemingly supported by Teal'c. O'Neill walked alongside them, looking equally dazed.

She ran over to the team, knowing she should try and ascertain from O'Neill what had happened. "Colonel," she said sharply. "Look at me, look at me!"

She could tell from the expression on his face that she wasn't going to get any information from him. At least he appeared to be in no immediate danger. She turned her attention to Sam, putting a gentle hand on her knee. She was shocked by the lack of response from the usually very animated woman. Through Sam's soaking fatigues, she could feel her shaking badly.

"They're in shock," Janet barked. "Get them to the infirmary!" She just wanted to wrap her arms round Sam, cradle her, tell her it was going to be okay. But she knew that right now her medical expertise was what was needed. And where was Daniel anyway?

"Colonel?" General Hammond asked. "Where's Dr. Jackson?"

Sam finally lifted her head from her hands, looking pale, sick and frightened. Janet's heart sank at her words, "He didn't make it, Sir."

At that, O'Neill also looked up. "Daniel's dead, sir," he said.

= = =

Janet found it hard to tamp down her emotions as she dealt with all three patients. O'Neill and Teal'c were both shaken and tetchy. Sam seemed even more traumatized. She didn't speak as Janet and one of the nurses removed her sodden clothing, toweling her dry, dressing her in scrubs and wrapping her in warm blankets. Janet pulled the curtain round the bed. "Hey," she said quietly, cupping Sam's cold cheek in her soft hand. "I'm gonna take care of you, honey," she whispered. "You'll be okay."

Sam looked up at her, pain radiating across her face. "He's gone isn't he?" she asked, the trauma of the day starting to register. "Why can't I stop shaking?" she gasped, failing to contain the tears that coursed down her face.

Janet put her hand on Sam's arm. "You're still in shock, Sam," she said quietly. "It's alright, baby, you'll be alright. Can I get another warm blanket here, please?" she asked. She knew she had to try and keep Sam calm. "I want you to take some slow deep breaths for me," she said tenderly, as she placed the stethoscope on Sam's chest. "You want to tell me what happened?"

Sam looked up at her. Janet's concern grew as she heard her racing heart, and saw the distraught look on Sam's face. "He screamed," Sam said. "and...and there was this fire, and then he...he called out for help, and then he...screamed...and then he...he was gone! He was just..."

Janet pulled the weeping captain into her arms. She knew she and Sam had to keep their relationship a secret, but she could tell her lover was just seconds from full-blown hysteria. It was her duty, as her doctor as well as her lover, to do what she could to calm her. "5cc's," she called quietly to the nurse who was standing the other side of the curtain. She pulled back slightly from Sam so that her hug might look purely professional when the nurse returned. After she had injected the sedative, Janet helped Sam to lie down, without releasing her from the embrace, so that Sam was lying on her side, buried in Janet's front, her breath coming in short gasps. After a few minutes, their proximity and the sedative started to take effect, and Janet could tell that Sam's breathing was evening out. She rolled her gently on to her back, pulling up all the blankets to her chin. She stroked Sam's forehead lovingly. "Shh," she said. "Sleep now, if you can. I have to go, check on the others. But I'll be back real soon, I swear. I'll get Sharon to sit with you until I'm back, okay?"

Sam nodded drowsily.

"I love you, baby," Janet whispered into her ear as she kissed her chastely on the lips.

= = =

When Janet returned to her lover's side after half an hour, she saw Sharon sitting by her head, holding her hand and rubbing her back reassuringly.

"She okay?" she asked Sharon.

"She's not feeling so good," Sharon said quietly, "but she'll be okay soon, huh Sam?"

Sam nodded miserably. "Sorry," she said.

Janet moved to her bedside, and ran her hand through her thick hair. "You don't have to be sorry, Sam," she said. "I'm here now, sweetie. You'll be feeling better real soon. The others are okay."

"Daniel?" Sam asked, already knowing the answer.

"No, baby," Janet said. "We haven't seen him."

"I know," Sam said, dumbly. "I just... I know we saw him die," she paled at the memory. "Oh God, Janet, it was awful," she started to shake again. "Burning. Flames. He was screaming so loud. And we didn't save him, Janet. We couldn't."

Janet leaned over the bed, sliding one arm under Sam's head and using the other to cradle her. "You did all you could, Sam. Right now all you can do is get better. We'll talk about this. Right now I'm going to give you another sedative, okay? You have to try and rest, or you'll make yourself sick."

"Nothing makes any sense," Sam's tone was desperate.

"I know, baby," Janet spoke quietly. "We'll talk about it all tomorrow. All of you. Thank you Sharon," she nodded approval as the nurse drew up 10cc's and motioned for her to inject it into the IV in the back of Sam's hand. "You're gonna feel real drowsy now. Just remember, whatever happens, I'm here. If you get nightmares or anything, I'll be right with you. I won't leave you, I swear." She stroked Sam's forehead lovingly until the blonde finally gave up her struggle and surrendered to sleep.

= = =

The night that followed was one that would haunt Janet for a while. Sam was extremely restless, waking up often, crying out with fear and desperation. Janet couldn't give her any more sedative, so all she could do was hold her and reassure her that she was safe. Every time Sam awoke, she again remembered Daniel's fate, and the horror of the memory seemed to get worse, not better. Janet was even more worried by Sam's apparently clouded mental state. "He's dead," she wept in Janet's arms. "But then I think he's alive. Jan, nothing makes sense. Oh God, Janet, we saw him burning. Smelt his charred flesh... it must be real. It must be." Her utterances became more muddled, which distressed her further. "I'm losing my mind," she muttered at one point.

Janet kicked off her shoes and climbed onto the bed, pulling Sam into her arms. Right then, she didn't care who walked in on them. "Sam," she whispered softly, stroking her lover's face. "Listen to me, sweetie. You've had an awful experience. You've witnessed something nobody should ever have to see. You're upset, you're still in shock. And you're grieving for one of your best friends. Of course you're gonna wonder what's real and what isn't. Don't over-think anything right now. Focus on my arms round you. I'll always be here, Sam, I'll take care of you. You've got a hard day ahead tomorrow, you need to try and sleep. Try and take deep breaths, Sam. Focus. In," she counted to three. "Out. In. Out. That's it, baby. You're doing great. Hold my hand, Sam. I'm strong enough for both of us right now. That's it," she felt Sam's fingers intertwining with her own. "Good girl. See if you can sleep a bit now."

At around 3am, Janet judged it safe to slide out from under Sam, and settle herself in the chair next to the bed. Sam was a higher priority than safeguarding their secret, but there was no point in looking for trouble. She pushed the chair right up against the bed, so was still able to cradle Sam's head. Their hands remained linked throughout. "It'll all be better soon," Janet whispered to Sam, unsure if she was telling the truth or not.

= = =

Janet kept a close watch on Sam as well as O'Neill and Teal'c during the next few days. Her heart swelled with pride when she saw how Sam was holding it together. She coped during the memorial service, even taking part in the ceremonies. Janet accompanied her to the wake, where O'Neill lost control; even then, Sam managed to retain her composure. She had a brief blip when they were all clearing Daniel's apartment, but she soon pulled it back. However, later that night in Janet's arms, she sobbed helplessly. "I'm sorry," Sam told Janet. "I'm such a fuck-up. You shouldn't have to deal with this."

Janet just kissed Sam softly, pulling Sam's hand to her own breast. "It's okay, baby," Janet whispered. "We'll just hold each other, huh?"

Sam nodded.

The next day, Sam's professional mask returned, and Janet was amazed when she volunteered to undergo hypnosis to try and find out what had really happened to Daniel. "I can't be in there with you," Janet explained gently to Sam. "I'll only distract you. Mackenzie is real good, he knows what he's doing. And the colonel will be right there with you."

"I know," Sam said in a quiet voice. "It'll be fine. Maybe," she took a deep breath, "at least if we can know what happened. That'll help. Won't it?" she looked pleadingly into Janet's eyes.

"Of course it will," Janet said. "Be strong baby," she said.

"I'm always strong when I know you're near," Sam whispered, resting her forehead against Janet's.

"I'll be watching from the observation room," Janet told her. "You'll have your back to me, so you won't be able to see. But I'm right with you, every step of the way."

= = =

"He's burning!" Sam cried. "Help him!"

"I want you to move on to what happened next," Mackenzie said quietly.

"Darkness...," Sam said. Her eyes flickered and she whimpered. She leapt up from the seat, shouting "we've got to get to the water!" O'Neill stepped forward and put a hand on her arm.

Janet only just managed to hold it together, desperately wanting to run down to the infirmary, and take Sam in her arms. But she could see that O'Neill would take care of her.

"We've got to get out of here!" Sam cried out desperately. "My God, Colonel, we left him behind. We left him behind," she started to sob.

O'Neill pulled Sam firmly into his arms. "I know, Carter," he said in a voice so soothing and tender that Janet was startled. She hadn't realized until that moment quite how soft and caring O'Neill was, and how much he clearly cared about Sam. "It's okay," O'Neill said to Sam, "We're going back. We're going back." He gestured to Mackenzie to leave, which the doctor did, leaving them alone. O'Neill looked up at the observation room. "Doc?" he said to Janet. "I think we could use you now."

Janet didn't need asking twice and, within seconds, she was at Sam's side. O'Neill released his hold on his 2IC. "Check her over, doc," he said. "Make sure she's okay."

Sam wiped the tears from her face. "I'm fine," she said, trying to put as much energy as she could in her voice. "Really, I'm okay."

"'course you are Carter," O'Neill smiled. "Let the doc check though. It'll give her something to do. Don't want her feeling unwanted now, do we?"

"We certainly don't Sir," Sam smiled, trying not to catch Janet's eye.

= = =

"Want me to drive?" Janet offered as headed toward the car lot much later that day. Sam was still bubbling with excitement at having found Daniel safe and well, but Janet worried that she might have trouble concentrating.

"No it's okay," Sam said. "Anyway," she grinned, "I'm not completely convinced you can reach the pedals in my truck!" she ducked as Janet tried to swat her.

Janet briefly pretended to sulk, but inwardly she was thrilled to see that Sam had regained her spark. She had hated seeing her suffer over the past week, and was relieved to know that it was all over. She was also delighted beyond measure at Daniel's return. Like most of the others at the SGC, she was very fond of the amiable archaeologist, and she knew how important he was to Sam.

"You sit," Janet pushed Sam gently into a chair in her own living room. "I'll cook."

Sam looked embarrassed. "I don't think there's much food in the kitchen," she admitted. "I'm not sure what you'll find."

Janet grinned. "Well I know that," she said. "I love you Captain Carter, but it's not for your domestic abilities. That's why I asked Sharon to pick some stuff up when she went out for groceries at lunchtime," she held a bag in the air. "Steak, new potatoes, broccoli, how does that sound?"

"Heavenly," Sam said as she sank back in the chair, suddenly bone weary.

When Janet emerged from the kitchen half an hour later bearing a tray, Sam was almost asleep in the chair. "Hey," Janet nudged her awake gently. "You feel up to some dinner?"

Sam smiled sleepily. "Sorry," she said. "I don't know what happened there," she said. "This looks amazing Jan."

They ate their dinner companionably in silence. Janet took the empty plate from Sam, shooting her a warning look when Sam tried to rise from the seat to help clean up. "Not tonight," she said. "I'm in charge tonight. I want you to take it easy. From tomorrow, you can do as many dishes as you want. Okay?"

Sam smiled. "Okay," she agreed. Fifteen minutes later, Janet returned to the living room, bearing a tumbler with an inch of whisky in the bottom.

"No ice," Janet said, "just how you like it."

"Angel," Sam said. She could hear water running.

Janet perched on the edge of Sam's chair and kissed her tenderly. "I thought you might like to take a bath," she said. "Relax in the hot water."

Sam blinked back tears. How did Janet know her so well? "Yeah," she said, her voice cracking. "That would be amazing. Will you come with me?"

"Of course," Janet smiled. "You think I can resist a naked woman in the tub?"

= = =

Sam eased herself into the bath, whimpering with pleasure as the hot water lapped around her. "Move forward," Janet said. "I want to hold you."

Sam did as she was told, and Janet climbed in behind her. "Lean back," Janet instructed.

"I'm too heavy," Sam protested.

"No you're not," Janet told her, pulling her back into her arms. "Let me take care of you baby," she whispered into her hair.

"You've been doing that all week, Jan," Sam said, her emotions threatening to spill over. "I don't think I would have coped without you."

"Of course you would," Janet said, running a soapy washcloth all over Sam, "you're the strongest person I know."

Sam shook her head. "I'm not as strong as you, honey," she said. "You're incredible."

"Shhh," Janet said. "Just try and relax."

Almost an hour later, Janet coaxed the almost-sleeping Sam out of the bath and led her to the bed. There she dried her off, and helped her into her nightshirt. "I'm so tired," Sam sounded surprised.

"I know, sweetie," Janet said. "You've had a hell of a ride." She pulled the covers back and Sam slid in.

Janet donned her own pajamas swiftly, and climbed into the bed next to Sam. "Hold me," she asked Sam in a soft voice.

Sam rolled to face her, a soppy smile on her face. "You try and stop me," she said, pulling Janet to her so that the shorter woman was snuggled up tight to her front. She kissed her tenderly. "Thank you for taking care of me," Sam said. She took Janet's left hand and turned it over. "It's gone," she said.

"What's gone?" Janet asked.

Sam caressed Janet's ring finger. "The indentation. The one you used to have from your wedding ring."

"Yeah," Janet said. "It's gone. Thank God. The less there is to remind me of him, the better."

"Maybe one day, when the laws finally change, you can wear my ring?" Sam said softly. "We can be together properly."

"We are together properly," Janet cupped her cheek. "We don't need some arbitrary piece of paper telling us so," she said. "And I love you a thousand times more than I ever loved the man who put the ring on my finger," she kissed her. "Don't ever forget that." She kissed her again, her heart filling with joy as Sam started to respond. She felt the touch of Sam's tongue and was surprised at just how quickly she became aroused. "Just how tired are you honey?" she asked, trying to keep her voice even.

"Not that tired," Sam's said huskily as she reached down to Janet's pajama pants, easing them over her hips. "Let me help you with that, doctor," she smiled, and pulled Janet's top over her head. Sam pressed her lips to Janet's washboard stomach. "You're so perfect," she breathed, her fingers unconsciously tracing Janet's small hysterectomy scar. She moved down to kiss the scar. "Every inch of you."

Janet's fingers fumbled with Sam's nightshirt, finally getting the small buttons undone. "Nothing I say could ever describe how you make me feel," her breathing quickened. "I thank God for you, Sam. Every day."

Sam smiled her megawatt smile and took Janet's hand. "I'm nothing without you, Janet," she breathed.

Next: A Pernicious Influence