During the post-mission medical, Sam had been impassive - almost non-responsive.
"Sam?" Janet was worried. "You okay?"
"I'm fine," Sam replied, automatically. "Not a scratch on me." She looked up, and saw Janet's concerned face. "Honestly hon, I'm okay," she said, more gently. "Tough day, that's all. Can we get this finished? I just want to get to the briefing, and head home. I'll tell you all about it later. Please?" she begged. "I'm wiped out here."
"Well everything looks fine," Janet admitted. "Will you get a ride back? I'm on duty until 2100hrs, and I don't really think you should be driving. And it doesn't look like you want to wait here until then." It was only 1545hrs, and Janet could tell that, for once, the SGC was the last place Sam wanted to be. She just hoped Sam would feel able to talk to her about the mission later.
"Daniel's got his car here, I'll get a ride with him," Sam agreed. She didn't relish the idea of getting on her motorcyle. Usually she loved it, but today she didn't feel she had the necessary energy or concentration. She couldn't get Alar's face out of her mind; nor could she forget the expression on Colonel O'Neill's face. She had never seen such a cold look in his eyes.
"I'm okay, Jan, really I am," Sam put her hand on the small medic's arm. "I just want to get away from here. I need to sleep, I think."
"Okay, Sam," Janet said, gently. "You're all done here. I'll be back by 2130hrs."
"Great," Sam managed a smile. "Cassie and I'll see you then."
"No Cassie tonight, sweetie, remember?" Janet replied. "She's spending the weekend with Beth and her family. Just you and me until Sunday."
A look of relief passed over Sam's features, though she tried to hide it.
"See you tonight then," Janet hugged her briefly, and was disturbed by her lover's stiffness.
Sam nodded, she looked close to tears. Janet knew that expression; she just needed to hold it all together until the briefing was over and she was home. Then she could let go.
"Take a long, hot bath Sam," Janet advised. "Spoil yourself."
"I will," Sam's voice was thick with unshed tears. "I love you. So much."
= = =
The briefing was, mercifully, short, and Sam had little to contribute to it.
Even before she asked, Daniel offered Sam a ride home. He could sense the tenseness in her, and he knew what was behind it. He felt the same way, and was struggling to come to terms with Jack's decision to let Alar die against the iris.
Half way home, Sam asked Daniel to pull over at the liquor store. Sam rarely drank more than a beer, or a couple of glasses of wine, so Daniel was surprised to see her emerge from the store with a litre bottle of malt whisky. "Felt like something stronger tonight," she told him. He nodded.
"You take care of yourself," Daniel pleaded with Sam as he dropped her off.
"I'm okay, Daniel," Sam told him. "Just tired. Gonna have a bath, a glass of whisky and then I'll head off to bed. It'll all be okay in the morning." And she gave him a small, sad smile.
"Call me if you need me," Daniel said.
"I will. Thanks Danny. You take care too, y'hear?"
= = =
Sam wasn't lying to Daniel when she said she'd only have one glass. But somehow one didn't quite hit the spot. So she had another. And another. By the time she got out of her bath, she was distinctly drunk.
But she felt no better. And she knew she was being stupid, but she couldn't face food and knew she wouldn't be able to sleep. So she poured herself another slug and climbed into her pajamas.
When Janet returned just before 2100hrs, having begged Warner to take over his shift early so she could get back to her disconsolate lover, Sam had made her way 2/3 of the way down the bottle. She was lying face down on the couch in her pajamas, still clutching the bottle.
"Sam?" Janet carefully turned her over, and saw her face was red and blotchy, evidence that she had cried herself to a - drunken - sleep.
Sam blinked, blearily. "Jan," she rasped. "Sorry, m'a little drunk." And she tried to sit up, simultaneously bringing the bottle to her lips.
Janet gently, but firmly, took the bottle from her grasp, and pushed her back against the pillows.
"Oh Sam," she said sadly, brushing her lover's hair from her eyes. "What have you done to yourself?"
"Jan?" Sam whispered. "Think I'm gonna throw up."
"I'm not surprised, hon. C'mon, bathroom." And she helped a very unsteady Sam to the toilet and held her in her arms as she noisily and painfully emptied her stomach.
"All done?" Janet asked, when Sam finally hung limply over the bowl, motionless.
"Think so," an indistinct voice replied.
"Bed, and water," Janet instructed. She supported Sam as she made her way unsteadily upstairs. She wiped her face and hands with a damp wash cloth, and tucked her into bed, where she persuaded her to drink a glass of water. She refilled the glass, and put it on the night stand beside her, and then made her way downstairs to phone Daniel.
Daniel filled Janet in on the events of the day, which had been distressing enough as it was - and then told Janet that he thought what had probably tipped Sam over the edge was the seemingly callous and calculated way that Jack had allowed Alar to walk to his death. "I know he was a bastard, Janet," Daniel told her, "but he didn't present a great risk to us; Jack didn't have to close the iris. Even if Alar was responsible for genocide on his own planet. Jack acted as judge, jury and executioner. I saw the look on Sam's face, she was as shocked as I was."
Janet thanked Daniel, and made her way back upstairs to check on Sam. Sam was sleeping soundly. Janet reached out and ran her fingers lightly down her soft cheek. "You're gonna feel like hell tomorrow, sweetheart," she whispered. "But I'm here; I'll look after you, I promise."
After a light supper, Janet returned to the bedroom, and climbed in the big bed next her lover. Gently, she pulled Sam to her, and held tightly. Sam wakened briefly, but then
relaxed at her touch, and snuggled closer. "Sorry Jan," she said, softly, "I'm so sorry."
"Shh, sweetie. It's okay," Janet whispered. "It's all gonna be okay." And she rocked her gently until she fell off to sleep again.
= = =
Janet was right, Sam did feel like crap in the morning, and actually turned a distinct shade of green when Janet suggested breakfast. But slowly, as she came to, she started to feel slightly more human.
"I called Daniel," Janet told her. "I know what happened. I'm so sorry Sam."
"I overreacted," Sam said. "I'd just never seen that.. look .. on the colonel's face before. I know he has to make decisions like that every day, and I'm not gonna like every one he makes. I know that. And I'll learn to live with it. And next time I'll live with it sober," she grinned ruefully. "No more whisky for me for quite some time to come."
"I'm so proud of you," Janet told her. "Even after all your years in the field, you still get upset by things like that. That's one of the reasons I love you so much. However distasteful part of your job can be, you've never lost your humanity. You've lost your stomach a few times," she teased, "but never your humanity. I love that you care so much."
"I care most about you, Jan," Sam told her, taking her hand and pressing it to her lips. "You and Cass, you're the world to me. I lucked out the day I met you, and then again the day I found Cassie on Hanka. You've made my life complete."
"Ditto," said Janet.