Only As Young As You Feel

by Telperion

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/ast/telperion/onlyasyo.php
Summary: "Do you really think I look younger than I did before?" Episode tag for 'Common Ground'.

"Do you really think I look younger than I did before?"

John's words interrupted the progress of Rodney's lips along his collarbone, and Rodney lifted his head, annoyed that the other man's voice sounded so steady when Rodney had been putting significant effort into trying to achieve the opposite.

But when he looked at John's face he found it serious, John obviously genuinely wanting to know the answer, so Rodney sighed a little and pulled back further, sitting up until he could look down at John.

"Well, let's see..." He considered for a few moments, his eyes sweeping over John's face and body while John lay, peculiarly quiescent, beneath him.

"I'm going to have to say...no," Rodney said eventually. "A couple of scars have gone, but overall you look exactly the same as you did before. Of course," he grinned slightly, "you look so damn youthful anyway that it's hard to tell if you've lost a few years."

John smiled too at that, but the expression was there and gone before Rodney could really register it. "I still feel old," John confessed then, in quiet voice that was almost a whisper. "When the...when the Wraith put all that life back into me, it was the biggest rush imaginable, and yet I still feel like when I look in the mirror, I'm going to see an eighty year old looking back at me."

Rodney went very still. It wasn't often that anyone, even him, was privy to a confession of weakness from Lt. Colonel John Sheppard, and he was very aware of how privileged he was.

He was also aware that one wrong word could screw this up monumentally.

"Well, you look fine to me," he said cautiously. "Maybe you just need a while to shake it off. I mean, it can't have been easy, experiencing that..."

"No one's asked me what it was like," John blurted suddenly. "Elizabeth's treading on eggshells, Teyla's being so silently understanding that it makes me want to scream, and Ronon just gave me one of those get over it and move onlooks that he specialises in. Carson's the only one who's got anywhere near, and even then he's only requested enough information for his medical records. It's like they all think I'll break or something."

John's eyes, which had been staring at a point somewhere over Rodney's right shoulder as he spoke, suddenly snapped to Rodney's face. "I'm surprised you haven't asked, actually."

"Oh, great, thanks. Nice to know my tactlessness is taken as read."

"I was relying on you to ask." John's voice was quiet. "I need you to ask."

"Oh. Sorry." Rodney hesitated. "Couldn't you have just told me anyway?"

"No."

No, of course not. There's only so many concessions John Sheppard is willing to make in the name of opening up. And volunteering information out of nowhere isn't one of them.

"So?" John looked hopeful. "Are you going to ask?"

"No."

An eyebrow shot up at that. "But..."

"I don't need to ask," said Rodney flatly. "I could see what it was like." He'd been trying to suppress the memory of John, bound and gagged, writhing and straining in agony as the Wraith sucked the life out of him, but now it seemed it didn't want to be suppressed any more. "You had to live it, and of course that's worse," he said. "But we had to watch it. And that...that was almost as bad," he finished lamely.

"Ah."

"But I could still ask if you need me to," Rodney said hurriedly, suddenly realising that he probably wasn't helping with the 'getting over it and moving on' thing.

John just looked at him for a few seconds, before he shook his head slightly. "No, I think that's okay," he said slowly. "I think...it's all right. I just need to remember what it's like to be young again, that's all."

Rodney leaned forward and kissed him quickly. "Well, since I very much suspect that even when you are eighty you'll still be acting like a sprightly thirty-something, I shouldn't think you'll have much trouble with that."

That elicited a chuckle from John, and Rodney nodded approvingly. Then he narrowed his eyes. "Now, since we're done with the deep and meaningful portion of the evening events, could we get back to what we were doing? You did interrupt me you know."

John nodded, looking contrite. "Of course. Sorry."

"Oh, don't be sorry," Rodney huffed. "And if you'd rather not, you can just say, you know. I don't only want you for the hot sex."

"No, I do. It's just, I feel...weird. I feel..."

"Old. Yes, I know." Rodney's irritation was gone as quickly as it had arrived. "I'm the one who should be sorry. Whatever you want is fine with me."

"I want...can you make me feel young again?"

The privileged feeling was back again, only this time it brought some pressure with it. Rodney took refuge in a joke, but he hoped John could see the truth in his eyes.

"Well, they call me a genius, but I'm not sure I'm that good," he said lightly. "I'll give it my best shot though."

John remained still as Rodney once more looked him over, and then bent to follow the path his eyes had taken with his lips, searching out all the spots on John's body that carried the scars of the life he led, as well as those spots where the blemishes had been smoothed away by the Wraith giving back what had been taken.

The puckered skin on his abdomen, where a 'very bad guy' (John's words, not his) had knifed him in Afghanistan was still there, and Rodney's breath ghosting across it made John's stomach muscles jump and twitch.

But the pale furrow at the top of John's left arm, where a bullet had grazed him during one of Atlantis's run-ins with the Genii, was gone, the skin there undamaged and whole.

Rodney had never before considered just how many scars John carried. He'd seen them all, of course, but he'd never before thought about what they'd really meant, despite that fact that far too many of them had been received right in front of his eyes, more often than not in the defence of Rodney himself.

He suddenly felt guilty.

"Not your fault," John muttered quietly, sensing his thoughts. "It's my job."

"Somehow I doubt your job description says anything about being willing to be fed on by a space vampire in order to save our worthless asses," Rodney said bitterly, the words slipping out without thought.

"It's not that specific, no," John allowed, and Rodney couldn't quite believe the amusement he heard in John's voice. "But I joined the military to protect my country. To protect my people. And that's what I was doing."

"And look what it's done to you," Rodney pointed out.

"It's my duty," said John simply. Then his fingers were under Rodney's chin, forcing his head up so their eyes could meet along the length of John's torso. The amusement that had been in voice was also dancing in the wide blackness of his pupils, despite the topic of conversation. "And by the way," he added, "I don't think your ass is worthless."

"Oh." Absurdly, Rodney felt embarrassed. "Good to know." He tried for the same lightness that John was displaying. "Feeling any younger yet?"

"A little." John smiled encouragingly. "Keep going."

Rodney had saved the most important scar until last. The mark that the wraith's hand had left in the centre of John's chest was nowhere near as prominent as it could have been, for which Rodney was thankful. It looked almost as old as some of the other scars, and yet when he bent to kiss it, John trembled, and hissed slightly.

But Rodney simply kissed the raised flesh again. This doesn't matter, his lips said silently. And, Thank you.

You're welcome, said John's body, as he welcomed Rodney in. And I'd do it again, said the hands clutching at his shoulders as they rocked together.

But I hope it doesn't come to that.