Shadows And Light

by Ultraviolet77

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asu/ultraviolet/shadows.php
Summary: The brightest lights often cast the darkest shadows... Daniel's dreams are haunting him as the whole team begins to recover from the addictive effects of the light

Daniel

Three weeks.

Three weeks, twenty-one days (earth time), five hundred and fourteen hours.

At least I'll be able to keep myself occupied. Hammond's sent across a ton of artifacts some of the other teams have encountered on missions, plus, I've got the text carved into all the walls here to work on. Sam's busy trying to decipher the mystery of that light, and Jack and Teal'c are - - doing whatever it is they do to secure everything, make sure it's all okay. Even though Teal'c doesn't really have to be here, I think George asked him to kind of baby-sit us, so here he is.

Three weeks.

-----

I'm working on a translation when Jack and Teal'c return. "Good news, campers!" Jack announces brightly. "We've found accommodations."

The 'accommodations' turn out to be three nicely sized rooms, two of which are still host to large, sumptuously draped beds. They're on the opposite side of the palace from the rooms Loren shared with his parents, so it took the three of them a good amount of reconnaissance to find them.

The division falls along the usual lines; Sam needs her own room, as does Teal'c for his Kel-no-reem. That leaves Jack and I.

"Well, we've done worse, Danny boy. I'll get them to send some cots and sleeping bags through the 'Gate."

"Jack, I don't think--" I begin, but I realize it won't help matters any to tell him the last thing I want is to share a room with him, especially considering that I don't really have a choice.

"What?" He looks at me puzzled.

Maybe I could take the room that Loren's parents used. That won't work; Jack's fanatical about us keeping together when we're off world. He's still looking at me with confusion.

"Never mind," I murmur. I get up from the small circle we've been sitting in. "I'd better get back to my translations."

It's going to be a long three weeks.

Jack

We've shared quarters tons of times, so why does Daniel seem so averse to it now? This isn't the only thing that seems strange; ever since I brought him back here, he's been kinda - - out of it, distant from everyone. I know Carter's tried to talk to him, but he only gives one word answers to everything. Even I know that for a linguist to give one word answers is a very bad sign. I dunno, maybe it's just taking him longer to recover from the effects of the light. He was here longer than any of us; hell, it got so bad he actually flatlined. Guess that could leave anyone - - moody.

Doc Frasier's demanding a daily blood count. Somewhere along the line, I think she secretly taught Carter not only how to extract blood, but do it in the most painful way possible. I swear, it's a conspiracy.

I don't really want to do this; I feel like I'm throwing Danny to the wolves, but I think I'll ask Janet to maybe run a few extra tests on him, make sure he's really doing okay. Couldn't hurt... unless you've got a needle-wielding Carter after you, that is.

Daniel

This is the part I've been dreading the most. The equipment came through, and Jack was decent enough to set up my cot for me. It's night now; we're saying our goodnights as everyone goes into their respective rooms. Jack goes in, and looks at me standing on the threshold. "You coming?"

I sigh loudly. What's the rush Jack? Since when do you give a damn about me again?

I simply nod and step into the room, quickly getting down to my boxers and settling in for the night.

-----

Cold.

Lonely.

Lost.

Has it always been like this, so bad? I've been hiding, deluding myself. Sha're's gone. Shifu-- her firstborn child, firstborn son. Child that should have been ours, son that should have been mine.

And Jack.

They're gone, all gone to me, and the feeling of comfort, safety, warmth, peace... it's left me and I will never, ever feel it again.

It's gone, and I can't get it back.

"Daniel?"

Jack.

Don't bother, don't try, don't --

Don't.

"It's gone, Jack."

"I know." I feel his hand on my shoulder.

"Why didn't you help me Jack? You could have helped me. I used to mean something to you..."

He shakes his head. "No. I'm sorry"

The hand on my shoulder steadily, firmly begins to push me forward, off the balcony...

---

"Daniel! Wake up!"

Jack's hands are on my shoulders, holding me down so I can't move my upper body.

"No! Let go of me!" I move to kick him aside, but he sees it coming and swerves to avoid it.

He's looking at me, puzzled, worried. "Daniel, you were having a nightmare."

Nightmare?

No. The feeling of loss, betrayal, of falling, finally; it's all too real. He's still looking at me, I can see the shadows on his face cast by the dim glow of the camping lantern between our cots.

He seems concerned, bewildered about what may have been plaguing me in my sleep.

I consciously blank out all emotion from my face, my voice; it's still too much right now.

"Sorry Jack. I'm fine. Didn't mean to wake you up."

I turn over in my cot, facing away from him

"Daniel?"

I cut off the unspoken question

"Goodnight, Jack."

Jack

I've been sleeping unsteadily all night, more dozing than anything. Insomnia isn't something I've ever had a problem with, but it seems eager to make introductions tonight. My gut's telling me that something is very wrong here. Not so much with the palace or the planet, but in this room. Uneasy--like I'm missing something, right under my nose and of critical importance.

I hear a strangled sort of sound. Daniel?

I turn on the small lantern light next to me, shine it in his direction. Something glistens on his face, a single tear tracking it's way down his cheek.

He's saying something, quietly. I cross over to him to try and hear the words.

"Gone... can't... gone."

I see him tense up, like he's readying for something, getting set to run from whatever may be in his dream. Then he lets out a bloodcurdling scream.

I grab his shoulders to prevent him from hurting himself the way he's flailing around.

"Daniel! Wake up!"

His eyes fly open and he freezes for a moment, just a split second before trying doubly hard to get away.

"No! Let go of me!" Then he tries to kick me away.

What?!

I'm trying to help him here, make sure he's okay, and he's trying to hit me!

"Daniel, you were having a nightmare," I explain, still confused, backing away from him.

He turns over in bed, away from me. "Sorry Jack. I'm fine. Didn't mean to wake you up."

No. You are not fine. Far from it. "Daniel--"

"Goodnight, Jack." Conversation over.

Like hell it is.

-----

There's a soft tapping at the door. "Sir?" Carter.

I open it, peek out. "It's okay Major. Daniel just had a bad dream." She looks at me skeptically.

"What?"

"Nothing sir. Um...goodnight." She eyes me and turns, walks away. I hear her talking to Teal'c as she turns the corner. "Daniel was just having a nightmare."

Why do I get the distinct feeling I'm on trial here?

Daniel

Can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I see it again, feel that sensation of falling, of being betrayed. So, I toss, turn, feign sleep while Jack snores lightly next to me. Hearing him breathing so evenly, at peace--it stirs something within me. I have this urge to walk over there and shake him awake, punch him, hurt him. Anything to cause a rift in the easy peace he's feeling, anything to hurt him like he's hurt me, to make him feel the same pain he's given me...

Okay, what was all that??

Get over it Daniel, being pushed off the balcony was just a dream. A very real dream, given, but still a dream. Jack didn't try to kill me, if he hadn't gotten there when he did, I might not have been able to hold on, it might have been too late. He's the one that hauled me back here after I flatlined; I heard later how he got pretty violent with some equipment in the infirmary when I was in a coma. He's been so outwardly concerned for me.

So why can't I shake the feeling that inside, he really doesn't give a damn about me anymore?

-----

Daylight's broken, and Jack and Teal'c go off to do a little more recon with Loren. I'm taking rubbings of the writing in the light room; I think they might help me with something SG-4 just brought back.

"Daniel?" I look up into the familiar blue eyes. "Hey, Sam."

She crouches down next to me, careful not to disturb the thin paper. "How you feeling?"

Loaded question there. I manage a tight smile. "Okay."

"You sure?" She looks concerned. Oh, I get it.

"Sam, if this is about last night, it was just some stupid dream, that's all." She looks doubtful.

"You sure, Daniel? You could've waken the dead, you know."

Okay, Sam, crossing the line from caring to overprotective here.

"Really, Sam, I'm fine." Didn't sleep more than an hour last night.

She smiles, pats me on the shoulder. "Okay." Goes off to send back some of her findings to the SGC.

-----

He's standing in front of me, disbelief clear on his face. Turning to certainty turning to fear. One finger on the button, Jack, who are you to stop me? I quit giving a damn about how you felt quite a while ago, right after you cut me loose. Cut me loose...freefall...off the railing, concrete rushing to meet me--

No, I'm here, surrounded by evidence of my massive newfound power; the sheer ability I have now is amazing. The world is literally at my fingertips. But I see it in Jack's eyes, the hopelessness, the surrender. He turns to me, the gun in his hand, shoots. It's okay, I was expecting this the whole time.

But it's all gone wrong somehow. The warm blood staining my shirt, searing pain, trickling, pooling...No, this isn't how it's supposed to end!

But what does it matter now?

He's coming towards me, leans over me as I'm sinking down off the chair. "It doesn't matter anymore, does it Jack?"

He looks at me, shakes his head. "No. It doesn't." The gun slowly raises to the side of my head, Jack's finger on the trigger. "You - this is what you wanted all along, isn't it?" He shakes his head. "It's not what I want, but it's what I have to do." He looks so sad.

I squeeze my eyes shut, breathe in, waiting.

"Goodbye, Daniel."

Goodbye, Jack.

I feel a dull thud on the side of my head. I'm falling, down, down, the air is cold and dead, then not there, can't breathe at all, so cold, taste of plastic, sterile--

"Dammit, Daniel, wake up!"

"It's okay sir, he's -- yeah, he's breathing on his own."

"Major Carter, do you require anything more from the med kit?"

"No Teal'c, I think we're okay now."

The world's coming into focus. I'm being held up by something, someone. Two blurry faces over me, hair like halos, yellow gold and silver gray.

"Daniel?"

Since he's the only one I can't see, it must be Teal'c holding me up.

"Wha - what happened?"

"We're not sure." Sam's voice. "I came back from the Stargate and you were just lying here, kind of slumped over. I thought you'd just fallen asleep, but you were breathing really erratically. Then, it looked like you weren't breathing at all."

Sam holds up the plastic face mask. Plastic... cold, sterile.

"I thought I was going to have to do some CPR."

Don't wanna be here. Want to be alone, don't want any of this. Want to leave, now.

I move to sit up.

"Whoa there, big guy. Where do you think you're going?"

"I'm okay Jack. Just fell asleep like Sam said."

"I didn't say that," she interjects quickly. "I said it looked like you were asleep, but your breathing was way off."

"Whatever it was, I'm fine now." I continue to move, get up all the way, a little shaky, but upright. "I'm gonna go lie down."

Hand at my back. "Daniel--"

No, Jack. You don't get to care. Not now, not ever again.

I pull away.

"I. Am. Fine." Three surprised looks in my wake as I head to the room.

Jack

"What is going on with him?" That look again. Why do I get the feeling that everyone thinks whatever's wrong with Daniel is my fault?

"I don't know Carter, but whatever it is, we," Yes, we! "are on our own."

"Sir?"

"You heard Doc Frasier; the last thing the SGC is going to do is send anyone else through to this place."

She nods. "I'll draw a few extra syringes of blood, ask Janet to run some extra tests. Maybe he's just slower in recovering from the effects of the light." She picks up the equipment and nods to Teal'c. "Would you come with me, please? I get the feeling Daniel's going to be somewhat resistant today." They both head to the room.

I'm getting damn worried. Something tells me this was another nightmare, but much worse. What's bothering him so much that he can't close his eyes, but won't talk about it when he wakes up? Think I'll talk to him when Carter and Teal'c are done with the 'good nurse/bad Jaffa' routine.

----

"I've sent the blood through, and I told Janet what was going on. She's going to run some more enzyme tests, a CBC, the like."

"So, now we play wait and see?" My favorite game.

"Basically, Sir."

I get up from the table and start to our room.

"Uh, Sir? Where are you going?"

"Well, Major, if it's all right with you, I'm going to check in on Daniel."

"I do not think that is a wise idea O'Neill."

Okay, when did these two turn nursemaid?

"And why is that, Teal'c?"

Carter cuts in. "He - ah, he's resting sir."

"We're stuck here for three weeks. Rest he'll get."

---

I move away from the gatekeepers to our room. I'd knock, but the less opportunity he has to turn me away, the better.

Daniel's lying on his cot, on arm tucked behind his head, another thrown over his eyes, shielding them from the meager light. I hear a choked sob come from his throat, and it's only then I notice the glimmering tears escaping the covering of his forearm.

I can't help it, I go to him, crouch down next to his cot. Hoping he won't try and beat me up again, I put a hand on his chest. "Daniel?"

He makes no move to push me away, but struggles to keep his voice steady as he speaks.

"Go away, Jack."

I shake my head. "No way, space monkey. Not until you clue me in on what's going on here."

His forearm moves from his eyes, and boy, I really wish it hadn't. Anger flashes through those normally sweet blues as they narrow to regard me.

"What's going on? For starters, I almost died twice within the past few days! I know I should be used to it by now, I've done it enough, but forgive me for taking a while to recover."

The eyes close again, but the anger is still clear on his usually peaceable face. I want to reply, say something to alleviate the apparent fury in him, but Daniel speaks first, quieter now, softly, pleadingly.

"You should have let me die, Jack."

I can't believe what I'm hearing. "What?" I spit out incredulously.

"You shouldn't have brought me back here." Cold, dead tone. "You shouldn't have pulled me off that balcony, you --"

"Are you nuts?" How can he be saying this? "Daniel, I -"

"Sir?" Carter's voice from the corridor. "Doctor Frasier wants to see you." Great timing, Doc.

"In a second, Major."

"Now, sir."

I look back at Daniel, unmoved, eyes still closed. He seems relieved at the interruption. I lean forward and into him, whisper harshly.

"This is not over, Daniel." There's no answer as I get up, walk out, ready to rip into my 2IC.

---

"What's so damn important, Carter?" She's taken aback at the obvious severity in my tone, but draws herself up. "Janet needs to talk to you."

"Sure. And this has nothing to do with the fact that both of you," I pointedly look at Teal'c, "seem to not want to leave me alone with Daniel for two seconds, right?"

She's about to fight back, come up with some excuse. At the last second, she changes her mind, looks at me almost sadly, like she wants to tell me something but can't. And she doesn't. "Janet really needs to speak to you, sir." She hangs her head and walks away, Teal'c on her heels, and I'm just now realizing how much those two are glued at the hip lately.

---

"Everything checks out on all of you, Colonel. Seratonin and dopamine levels are increasing at a steady rate, no viruses or infections, physically everyone's fine."

"That doesn't put us any closer to solving our problem, Doc."

She sighs. "Well sir, if there's no organic cause for Daniel's behavior, we can only guess that it's psychological."

Surprise, surprise. "So what does that mean for him?"

"It means that someone's going to have to sit down and talk to him, get him to open up. He has had some pretty intense emotional trauma over the past week."

I open my mouth to say something more, shut it again. His words are still ringing in my ears. Janet apparently notices me gaping like a fish. "Colonel? Is there something else?"

It's for his own good, it's for his own good...

"Uh, yeah. Something Daniel told me. He said..." I bury my face in my hands for a moment, delaying every second I can. "He said I shouldn't have brought him back here. He said I - I should have let him, um -- die."

Janet looks confused. "Sir, I'm sure he didn't mean it like that."

Dammit, why is everyone suddenly second guessing me when it comes to my best friend?

"Doc, his exact words were 'you should have let me die, Jack'! Not much room for confusion!"

Now she looks worried. "He said that to you?"

"Yes! Look doc, I don't know what's going on inside that head, but I'll do my best to find out."

She scowls at that. "Sir, if he's expressing self-destructive tendencies - "

"I don't even want to think about that."

Uh oh. I know that look. That Mussolini-ain't-got-nothing-on-me look.

"Sir, we have to consider every option, for Daniel's safety as well as the rest of the team! I'll send through something for the insomnia in the meantime. Now, could you get him for me, please? I want to speak with him myself."

Daniel

"Daniel... c'mon, Daniel!"

My head is pounding. Someone's - hitting?

Jack?

"Where am I?"

"Back in the palace."

He helps me to sit up, and I look around, still dazed. "I - oh." Can't think straight. Dizzy, falling.

"Daniel," he says quietly, tilting my chin up to meet his eyes. "You - you flatlined. For just a few seconds, you were... dead."

Why does Jack look so sad?

"It's okay, Jack, I'm here now."

"No," he says quietly. "It's not okay."

What does he mean? I don't understand; why wouldn't he be all right? Not okay?

He reaches behind him, pulls out something shiny. I see it glint in the light.

"It's not okay." He turns the object in his hand. A - scalpel?

Cold fear grips my heart, along with a certain sick sense of certainty, of vindication.

"It wasn't enough, was it Jack?"

He shakes his head. "No."

I look him straight in the eye. "I know, Jack. I always knew." I settle into his grasp, lie back in his arms, waiting for the cold blade to pierce my skin.

The sharp pain hits, blinding, warm trickles of blood are flowing freely down my chest.

"Quick and clean, Daniel."

My eyes are shut tight, but I can feel him still. Hand on my chest, reaching for my heart, grasping, pulling...

"Daniel?"

No. I won't look, you can't make me watch.

"Daniel?"

Isn't it enough Jack? You got what you came for.

"Daniel!!"

"No Jack, it's enough!!!" I open my eyes to see Jack hovering over me, his hand on my chest, right - right above my heart. I put my hand over his. No blood, no wound. No pain.

Liar.

"Um, Danny? Doc Frasier wants to talk to you for a bit."

I realize I'm still holding his hand on me. I throw it off my chest. "And why is that?"

He shrugs. "I dunno. But when the lady with the needles calls..."

---

I sit on the ground in front of the MALP, watching as the small camera focuses on me.

"Hello Daniel. How are you feeling?"

Sick of everyone asking me that, thanks.

"Okay, doc."

"Daniel, the Colonel tells me you've been saying some things."

So that's what this is about. Couldn't keep your big mouth shut, could you Jack?

"Like what?"

"That you've been expressing certain self-destructive thoughts."

I take a deep breath. Time for the performance.

"Janet, I - I know what I said, and I'm sure it sounded bad, but I was half asleep at the time, just waking up from a dream. Really, I'm fine."

She's looking skeptical. "You've had a somewhat traumatic experience. If you want to talk to anyone..." She trails off.

"I will, as soon as we get back."

She sighs. Ah, sweet sound of resignation. "Well, all your bloodwork checks out. Enzymes are good, seratonin and dopamine levels are approaching normal at the same rate as everyone else's. Physically, you're in good shape."

Damn lot of good that does me, but I manage a tight smile. "Thanks, Janet." I can't resist; I've just jumped out of the fire, why not have a little fun with it?

"I - I am grateful to Jack." Self conscious laugh, that's it. "If it wasn't for him, I don't think I'd be here." Completely true. If it wasn't for him, I'd be able to sleep without the dreams coming, if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be an emotional wreck, if it wasn't for dear Jack, I wouldn't be watching my world fall apart.

Janet smiles.

I'd like to thank the Academy.

-----

Watching those two together is like pouring salt in my wounds. I do notice that it's Jack doing all the talking, animatedly, and Sam's just listening, answering resignedly every once in a while. They're too far away for me to hear exactly what's being discussed, but it doesn't matter.

Janet sent through some pills, with the order to take them before bedtime. I know she's only trying to help me get some sleep once and for all, but I'll be damned if I'm taking any more pills, especially these. Leave me woozy all day, and the dead sleep they immerse me in is as far from restful as you can get. Speaking of, it's getting towards time to turn in. We'll all be settling into bed soon. Never thought I'd be afraid of my own cot.

I just can't take these nightmares anymore. So vivid, so clear, horribly so. The worst part of it is, I think I finally figured out what the hell it is they're trying to tell me.

-----

Jack comes into the large main room where the Stargate is; we've set it up as sort of a mess hall/meeting area. I notice he's avoiding my eyes. Loren's peppering him with questions, but politely so. He's so curious; his parents were explorers after all. Maybe that's what I would have been like, if only I'd had as much time as he did with my own mom and dad.

"Daniel? You've hardly touched your food."

"Field rations aren't all that appetizing, Sam."

She smiles. I don't blame her, not really. Not her fault that Jack's taken to her as my replacement. I shove the tray away. "I'm not that hungry anyways. Think I'll just head to bed."

"Daniel?" Jack looks up, meeting my eyes for the first time. "Aren't you forgetting something?"

"Noooo..."

He narrows his eyes. "You sure?"

So, even that was his idea. What's the matter Jack, can't deal with the aftermath of the life you've ruined? Rather dope me up that have me waking up screaming, knowing it's you I'm running from?

I look him straight in the eyes. "Absolutely positive." Pause for a beat. "Good night."

Take that, you manipulative prick.

-----

I hear the panels of the door hiss open as Jack steps in. I can feel him looking at me. He seems to be walking on eggshells around me. Too bad he didn't feel that way when the Tok'ra were playing twenty questions with him. Not a thought to sparing my feelings then. Hear the rustle of him stripping, the shuffle of the nylon as he lay down on the cot, creak of hinges.

I settle in to wait.

When I hear the smooth, even breathing, I slowly, cautiously swing my still-booted feet out of my cot. Carefully, carefully, I grab my jacket and head to the door, hoping the sound is too quiet to wake him. I step through, and it slides shut behind me. Creep along the hall, going by the dim light of the sconces lining the walls. Past the Gateroom, past the arched, pillared entrance that leads outdoors.

This place is beautiful in the light of day, even more so at night. The reflection of the twin suns makes for a huge, brilliant moon, and the stars are as bright as can be. A sense of relief washes over me, like I've just made a prison break. No one, especially Jack, would be too happy about me wandering off alone. I just need some time by myself to sort things out, rest without the dreams haunting me. I should be feeling worse out here, away from the light, but I actually feel good. Level, balanced -- at peace, finally. Out here, it'll be much easier to get used to the idea of being alone again.

Jack

Does he really think I don't know he's up to something? You don't get to be Black Ops without having damn good instincts. Plus, the fact that the man was wearing his boots to bed was a pretty good giveaway. As soon as I'm sure he's far enough to not hear the door open, I leap up to follow him. Footsteps echoing off to the right. I give chase; pausing just long enough to toss on my boots. I can hear every footfall when the echo gives way to the muted patter of feet on earth and grass. He's going outside. I dart out of the entranceway just in time to see him disappearing over the crest of a small hill, beyond which is the beach. Just a midnight stroll, Danny? I can take a little sand in my socks.

Slowly, quietly follow him over the hill, peering out to the water beyond. He's sitting on the shore, just on the edge of where the tide laps onto the beach, knees curled up, forehead resting on them. As I watch, he unfolds, stretching his legs out, arms behind him holding himself up. Tilts his head back to look up at the sky. How many times has he sat like that on my roof, by my side looking up at the stars?

It was hard then, it's getting close to damn nigh impossible now. I'm just an old soldier anymore, and I'm tired, of fighting everything, of lying to everyone, even myself. Carter's been wary of me since that whole Tok'ra truth machine disaster, can't blame her really. We most definitely need to have a long chat about that, my 2IC and I. Lately, all we've been talking about is Daniel; it seems like she knows a hell of a lot more than she's letting on, but refuses to tell me. Well, I've got three weeks to wrangle it out of her.

He's still leaning back, legs stretched, eyes to the heavens. I'm close enough that I can see him close his eyes tightly - a little too tight. Uh oh. I can see his chin quiver, and it's all I can do to keep from running over there and scooping him up into my arms, holding him, comforting him... loving him. But he needs this, this catharsis. For some reason, he needs to be alone to feel free to do this, feel free to let go. I don't think I can blame him. He used to come to me, but the way I've been shoving him away lately, keeping him at arm's length... but I had to, Danny, you've gotta know that. If I let you get too close, I won't be able to hide anymore, won't be able to lie anymore --

The scrunching eyes and tears seem to have stopped, although he's still breathing erratically, huffy and uneasy. Almost like he was earlier today when Carter found him on the floor...

Oh, my god. That's why he was breathing so shallowly, so irregularly...

He was crying in his sleep.

That realization sends a sharp chill through my heart, makes every protective instinct inside of me kick into overdrive.

As I watch, he lies down completely in the sand, trying hard to slow his breathing. The water's just inches from his feet, but I don't think he really even knows where he is right now.

There's nothing I'd like more than to get out of this cold night air and settle back in for a nice long sleep, but there's no way in hell I'm leaving him out here by himself, so I settle in to the slope of the small hill, eyes set, and wait.

-----

It's been close to five hours now as I've been scrunched on the hillcrest waiting him out. Daylight's coming soon; the days here seem to be closer to twenty hours instead of twenty four. After lying down for a while, he sat back up and pulled his knees in again, this time resting his chin on them, just looking out at the ocean. I'm cold and I swear dew's forming on me, but it was worth it to see Daniel so content finally. Not exactly happy, but not screaming, not angry, not in pain, not retreating from me.

Finally, I see him move. Stretch his legs and wiggle them, as if to get the blood flowing again.

Dammit, he's getting ready to head back in! I jump up and run as fast as I can, which isn't fast since I'm moving at a crouch with untied boots. Once I hit the palace, I yank them off quickly, then it's a flat out run, socks skidding as I hit the door. The panels open just as I hear the quiet footsteps echoing clearly, meaning he's just hit the entranceway. A pause; I think he's taking off his boots, realizing someone may be up by now.

The door hisses open, I run in, yanking off my jacket and quickly throwing the covers on. Good timing; I hear the door open a minute later and the quiet pad of sock feet on the hard floor. There's a distinct thump as he sets his boots down on the floor, rustle as he climbs into bed. I hear a deep, relaxed sigh. Relief, I suppose. I have to swallow down the urge to leap up, shake him hard, demand to know what's happening, 'what's so bad you can't talk to anyone, Daniel?'.

Certainty like cold lead settles in my chest. I forced him away. I kept him at arm's length and he's hurting and now that he needs me he's afraid I'll do it again if he dares to come to me. We can't work like this. This has to end.

One way or another.

Daniel

Two weeks later:

I seem to have found some peace at last in this place. For a while now, I've been getting up, exploring the palace, sitting on the beach for hours, maybe even getting some work done. The soft music coming from the CD player does well enough to keep me company during the quiet nights. I just slip back in an hour or so before sunrise, two or three hours before everyone gets up. A few times, I could have sworn I heard noises, and more than once I distinctly felt a presence, that uneasy sense that I was being watched. Nothing's come of it so far, though.

Sam particularly seems worried that I keep dozing off during the day. I ended up mumbling something about a sensitive internal clock. "But it never seemed to bother you on any other missions."

"We've never stayed this long in one place before, Sam." That seemed to satisfy her. Strange, though. I notice Jack's looking a little haggard. Seems to be snapping increasingly at everyone, even Sam. He keeps yawning loudly during the day and going to bed just a bit earlier every night.

That's good in a way; I don't have to keep up the pretense of following him to bed. I just say my goodnights to Sam and Teal'c, then hover around the room for a half hour or so, listening to Jack's soft snoring. Then, it's my time.

As long as the catnaps I manage during the day don't go too long, I get some rest unhaunted by the dreams. Unfortunately, today that's just what happened. Trapped in the throes of a nightmare where Jack wasn't so glad to see me after I dragged myself out of the sarcophagus on Apophis' ship; I can see all too clearly down the barrel of his gun when Teal'c shakes me awake.

"DanielJackson."

"Huh? Oh, hi Teal'c."

"You were sleeping. Again."

"Um, yeah. Thanks." I pick my head up from the table, uncross my now asleep arms. "Guess I nodded off a bit there." I notice Jack look up at me out of the corner of my eye. A strange, ironic sort of grin graces his face. I shake myself awake and resume work on my translation, only halfheartedly. I know I'll get a lot more done after everyone's gone to bed.

-----

Loren seems to have taken a bit more to Teal'c lately, now that Jack's apparently taken to biting everyone's heads off. Everyone except me, that is.

He's acting, well, weird around me.

Seems like he's avoiding me, and when he does talk to me, it's in a low, even voice, like he's trying to calm a skittish animal. I want to scream at him to stop treating me like I'll break, but if the alternative to avoidance is that overbearing mothering, I'll take this, thanks.

Still, a part of me does miss the smothering concern. It seems... final now. Seems like he's abandoned all pretense of caring anymore. Not completely; I think George would rip him a new one in a Texas minute if it looked like he wasn't keeping the usual extra careful eye on me, but... well, that's all he's doing. No more weekend takeout, no more cutesy nicknames -- just Colonel O'Neill and Doctor Jackson again. Back to where we started... but so much worse somehow.

---

They look like the damned Bobsey twins; can't find one without the other. Every time I see one, there's the little doppelganger, whispering conspiratorially. This time though, Sam breaks into a wide grin as she sees me. "Daniel! Good news! Janet says we can cut this a little shorter than we'd planned!"

"What?"

She smiles. "One more night, just to be on the safe side, and we're outta here!"

"Wow! That's - that's great!" I glance over at Jack, who seems anything but happy with this news. He looks positively groused.

"Well then, I guess I'll start getting all my things together to send through. I'll just finish up some last minute translations later tonight."

"Tonight? There won't be time for that, better just get packed."

"I'll find time," I reply.

There it is again. That damn satisfied smile on Jack's face.

---

Loren's got his things ready; he's incredibly excited about his new home. Still, I can see the twinge of sadness in him at the idea of leaving the place he's lived in for so long.

Jack's gone to sleep ahead of everyone else again, so as we're packing everything away, I make sure to surreptitiously hide the translations I was working on. I should be feeling some bad sleep deprivation by now, odd that I'm not. Even with my chemical levels only now balancing out, I've managed to stay pretty sane these past weeks.

As we're heading off to bed for the last time, I notice Sam cast me an apprehensive look. After Tealc's gone to his room, Sam runs over to me, whispering urgently.

"Daniel, you're going straight to bed, right?"

Why would she? Unless -- no, she can't know.

"Of course. Why?"

She looks nervous, opens her mouth like she wants to say something, closes it again. Puts a hand on my shoulder. "Just go right to bed and stay there, okay?"

She knows.

"Sam --"

She shakes her head. "Doesn't matter Daniel, just - just trust me on this, okay?"

I nod my head. "Okay."

She relaxes visibly, pats my shoulder. "Okay. Goodnight."

The door hisses open, and Jack's curled up in bed in the semidarkness, the familiar lantern casting a soft glow. I feel a pull around my heart as I catch sight of his sleeping face. Relaxed, at peace, my god, how much I...

No.

The easiness he feels now is exactly what he took from me, robbed me of so thoroughly I can't find it, even in sleep. I want to hate him so badly, lash out at him for what my dreams are telling me, that he well and truly has abandoned me, that he has feelings for Sam now, so there's no room for me in the picture, even as his friend.

I want to hate him.

I'm certain I never will.

I sit quietly, slowly on the cot, listening intently to Jack's breathing, straining to hear any breaks in the rhythm. Remove my boots and wait.

I give it a little extra time tonight, close to half an hour before I venture out to my last nighttime foray here.

Cautiously edge off the cot, pad to the door, push the button.

Nothing.

I press again, firmer this time.

The door stays defiantly shut.

"Looking for this?"

I almost leap out of my skin as I turn to face Jack, who is now looking smug and waving a red crystal in the air.

"Won't open without this. Locked from the inside."

I stare, incredulously. What the hell is he doing? I draw myself up, try to look innocent.

"I just wanted to make sure I'd packed everything."

He's sitting up on the edge of the cot now.

"Sure, Danny. Doesn't have anything to do with the late night strolls you've been taking, right?"

I blush hotly before coming to my senses. I haven't done anything wrong! Who does Jack think he is?

"So what?" I growl. "So, I've been getting some work done when I can't sleep. Why the sudden need to imprison me?"

He gets up and walks toward me, still dangling the crystal from his fingertips.

"You know wandering off on your own isn't a good idea when we're offworld."

"I was getting some work done. Big deal."

"What kind of work were you doing on the beach staring at the water for hours on end?"

How the hell does he...?

"You followed me?"

"Or sitting in front of the Stargate, singing off key to whatever was in that CD player?"

"You followed me?"

"I know you did get some work done, but that was only about, what, eight or nine out of close to sixteen nights?"

I'm stunned, furious, relieved, and angry.

"Why - why the hell were you stalking me?"

That ironic grin again. I swear, if I have to look at it one more time...

"Have to keep tabs on my team, Danny boy. Thought I'd figure out why you weren't sleeping if I kept following you, but that didn't work either."

He's right in front of me now, puts a hand on my shoulder. "C'mon, you and me are gonna have a little talk."

"Like hell." I start pounding the door. "Sam! Teal'c! Somebody let me out of here!"

"They're not gonna open it," he says in a singsong voice that quickly turns serious. "They're almost as worried about you as I am."

"Are - are you crazy? You can't keep me locked in here like a hostage!" I sputter. Jack shakes his head.

"I'm not. All you have to do is tell me why you've been haunting the halls like a freaking ghost at night and you can walk out of here to wherever you like. With an escort, of course." He grins again. "Wouldn't want you getting into trouble."

I can't believe what I'm hearing. Jack has officially gone insane.

He's planning to keep me in here until I spill my guts, and if I don't, I'm sealed in here with him pestering me all night. If I do get out of here, he'll shadow me wherever I go. Can't allow me a moment's peace, can you Jack? Not even in my dreams.

His hand is still at my shoulder, trying to steer me back to my cot. I break away from him, back up a few feet and glare at him icily.

"Give me the crystal."

He grins. "Uh uh. Not until you talk."

He's playing with me, the sick bastard!! Not enough he's ruined my life, he has to make a game of it too? Okay. If there's one thing he's taught me, it's how to assess a situation and formulate an appropriate plan of attack. All right, intimidation, not surprisingly, isn't working. Subversion, then.

I relax my glare, look down at the ground, sigh sadly.

"Why, Jack? Why are you pretending to care?"

Objective achieved. He relaxes his defensive stance, softens, looks concerned.

"I'm just worried about you, buddy. And what do you mean 'pretending'?"

He looks confused. Perfect.

Without looking up, I lunge at him, shoulder towards his midsection, arm towards the glinting red shard. Somehow, he sees it coming.

A sharp pain seizes my wrist as he grabs it, pinning it behind me and between my shoulder blades. The arm grabbing for the crystal is pinned at my lower back, and in two steps, I'm shoved bodily against a wall face first, head lolling back on Jack's shoulder to keep from bashing my nose into the concrete.

"Why did you do that, Daniel?" he asks, an amused tone coloring his words.

"Because you've gone psycho on me," I growl back.

"All I want is to talk to you, just talk." He's using that condescending paternal tone again. "I'm worried, we all are, about why you're not sleeping, about why you're separating from us, why you're pulling away and becoming so damn distant from everybody!"

"If all you want to do is talk," I spit out venomously, "then why are you pinning me to the freaking wall?"

"If I let you go, are you gonna stop trying to punch me?"

It's out before I can stop it. "No!"

"Well, then, it looks like we're at an stalemate here."

The tiger's got me by the tail, as it were. Okay, think, Jackson! Intimidation didn't work. Subversion was a no go. I've still got one trick left. The element of surprise.

From where my head rests on his shoulder, I should be able to hit my target. I consciously relax my clenched fists, my tightened arms. Consequently, Jack relaxes his grip just slightly. Perfect.

I dart my head upwards, meeting my mouth to his. Sealing my lips on Jack's, I kiss him hard, pressing into him as much as I can, considering he's behind me with my head laying back on his shoulder. The look of shock on his face is priceless, but most importantly he relaxes his hold.

Oh god, at the first taste of him, I almost forget what I'm doing. Warm lips, warm mouth, and most of me is screaming 'forget the plan, forget everything but kissing Jack, forget the world, just hang on to this moment...'

I come to my senses and deliver a sharp elbow to the midsection. I feel the groan reverberate through me for a split second before Jack pulls away, doubled over in pain. I snatch the crystal out of his hand, knock the panel next to the door open and slide the stone into place. It glows with energy as I smack the button that opens the door. I'm out before it's opened fully, tearing down the passageways, with no destination other than as far from Jack as possible. But one thought keeps running through my mind, an idea that won't go away. For just a split second, one tiny moment...

I could have sworn that Jack was kissing me back.

Part Two

Jack

Warm mouth pushing into me, hard, urgent, oh god, Daniel's kissing me, but why now? Who cares, he's kissing me, finally, wanted him to for so damn long --

Sonofabitch. That hurt.

Before I know it, the door opens and out goes Daniel, tearing down the halls. Can't just let him go; I get the feeling he shouldn't be left alone right now. I round the corner, still crouching in pain, and pound on the door.

"Carter! Open up!"

The door slides open a second later, revealing a bleary-eyed Major. "Sir? What --?"

"Talk didn't go too well. Daniel took off, find him!"

She's gone almost before I finish what I'm saying, runs next door to Teal'c's room. Then the two of them are off in a moment, running down the halls.

I just wanted to know, I had to know. During the day it was like he wasn't even there, didn't interact with anyone on his own, quiet at mealtimes. He had this awful, sort of -- haunted look to him, like he'd just seen something terrible. A few times, I found him sleeping on the floor, curled up with translations scattered all around him. The noises he was making were heart wrenching. Tiny whimpers interspersed with quiet cries, and I'm positive I heard my name more than once.

After that first night, I took to following Daniel on a regular basis. Sometimes I'd take off right after him, sometimes wait an hour, even two before I went to find him. When I would come across him, I found a totally different person. He seemed calm, composed, more like his old self. It was like -- like he was asleep during the day, moving in a haze, and only really woke up at night when he was alone.

That hurt more than anything, the realization that he wasn't there anymore, wasn't really with any of us. Mostly, he'd work on something he'd been doing during the day, but with more focus, more energy.

Daniel has always has been a night owl, but his bursts of understanding in those dark, pre-dawn hours surprised even me. Sometimes he'd walk on the beach, hands in his pockets, occasionally stopping to look over the ocean or into the sky, hugging himself tightly.

I could see it in his eyes, how badly he needed someone right then, to hold him, touch him, and comfort him. The fact that he only lets himself show this need when no one is around to see him

worries me even more. For someone who usually wears their heart on their sleeve to be this withdrawn --

"Sir?" The radio crackles to life. "It's Sam, I've found Daniel."

She's speaking quietly, like she doesn't want him to know she's talking to me.

"Is he okay?"

Silence.

I'm about to radio again when she comes back.

"Yes sir, but he's demanding to leave right now."

"Leave? As in 'Gate home?"

"Yes. He wants to go immediately."

Now it's my turn for silence. He definitely won't talk to me now; I'll be lucky if he talks to me before the month is out. But I can't let him leave without knowing why he's feeling this way. A sick desperation grabs at me, the certainty that if I let Daniel off this planet without getting to the bottom of this, I'll lose him for good.

The static crackles again. "Colonel?"

I reach for the button to answer when I hear her speak again. "Wha - hey! Daniel!"

It's Danny's voice now that comes over the radio.

"Jack, I am going home now." Each word seems to freeze as it comes out of the tinny speaker.

"I am going to dial, and I am going to walk through the event horizon with or without the GDO. Unless you want one pissed-off General to explain yourself to, I suggest you tell Sam to send that code, otherwise your resident archaeologist will become intergalactic windshield splatter in less than five minutes."

I don't know what's more frightening, that he's saying it or that I believe him.

"Carter, send through the code. When he leaves, use the com link on the MALP to tell the SGC that the rest of us will be along in a few hours."

"Sir, do you think that's really - "

"That's an order, Major!"

Brief pause. "Yes sir."

There. Done, and... done.

-----

The shimmering gate roars to life. I almost feel like leaping in front of the spike of energy. Better not tell Frasier that or she'll have me sentenced here for another three weeks.

Loren alone looks happy, even though I think we're all glad to get the hell out of here. I got them to send through some chocolate ice cream earlier in the week. Don't know which was better; the look on the kid's face when he ate it or the look he gave me when I told him I knew a store that had thirty more flavors.

I'm waiting for everyone to go ahead, unable to move. Probably because half of me wants to take a full out run through that Gate and find Daniel, while the other half wants to run as far as I can from it. Guess they cancel each other out.

"O'Neill, we are ready." Indeed we are.

"After you, big guy."

He goes, and now it's my turn. Guess we all have to face our worst fear sometime. For me, that's the cold, hard fact that I just lost my best friend -- right along with the person I've fallen in love with.

Daniel

Thank god George has never been the prying type when it really counts. He seemed to accept, if not quite believe my excuse that I couldn't sleep anyways and wanted to beat the mad rush to the infirmary.

Janet's just come on duty and seems surprised by my solo appearance. "Where's the rest of the team?"

"Still on the planet. Just couldn't stand that place one second longer, doc." Grim smile.

"Why would the Colonel allow a single member of his team to leave? "

"Janet, I was feeling kind of sick."

She perks up. "If you're ill -- "

"No! Just - just tired. Haven't been sleeping well, just eager to get home to my own bed."

She looks puzzled. Then she looks angry. "I sent through some medication that should have helped with your insomnia. Why weren't you taking it?"

"Because they were giving me appalling nightmares."

"Then why didn't you tell me so I could switch to something else?"

"I was sleeping okay after that first night up until two nights ago."

"Why were --?"

"Janet!" I've had just about enough of the bad doc/bad doc routine. "All the tests say I'm fine, right?" She scans the chart in her hands. "Brain chemical balance normal, blood work's clear of viruses or bacteria, no outward physical injuries..." She sighs deeply. "Physically -- "

Oh, I hate how she stresses that.

"you check out. But I still think that you should -"

"Point taken." I leap off the bed, grab my jacket and race out of the infirmary. I think I hear her calling after me, but I could care less. I have to get to my office, have to see the General. Then maybe, just maybe, I can finally find some peace.

Jack

I shouldn't have let him go. I had to let him go.

I feel like I'm being ripped apart.

No time for that now, time to be Mr.-Self-Assured-Team-Leader-Colonel now.

"Sir." Hammond's waiting at the ramp.

Looking unhappy.

Very unhappy.

Downright pissed off.

"SG-1, welcome home. Report to the infirmary immediately." Briskly, I turn to follow my team when a hand goes out to stop me. "Except you, Colonel. My office, now."

Both Carter and Teal'c shoot me a look; I know they're thinking the same thing I am. For him not to send me to the infirmary right off is a very bad sign.

Since I'm a pace behind him, I can't see the expression on his face. Judging from the airmen scattering from our path, it's pretty bad. He shoves his office door open. "Sit." He sits down across from me, glaring with a look to make a whole army of Jaffa turn tail and run.

Silence for a few seconds, and then he tosses a brown envelope across the desk at me.

"Care to explain this, Colonel?"

I lift the flap, pull out a single sheet of white paper, and quickly scan the contents. Words leap out. Words like 'request' and 'reassignment'.

My heart seems to actually skip a beat when I read the familiar scrawl of a signature.

"Daniel's asking to transfer off SG-1?"

"Colonel, exactly what happened while you were on P4X 347? First, you allow a member of your team to return alone, now this?"

He's talking, but his voice is fading, a mere echo.

Daniel's leaving.

"Jack, I am going home now."

So cold, abrupt. Final.

"You should have let me die."

Did he really mean it? He was so unreachable, so unapproachable.

Transfer.

I remember after the mission on P2R009, where we almost bit it at the hands of about fifty pissed off natives, we all got well and smashed. Daniel and I were the only ones left at my house when, after a few dead-on impressions of various SGC personnel, he told me how much the SGC as a whole meant to him. More specifically, how much SG-1 had come to mean to him.

"I mean, you guys are like my family! We don't always agree on stuff, but no one believes in me like all of you do. Dunno what I'd do if anyone ever tried to make me go." He grinned sloppily, flung an unsteady arm around my shoulder. "Rather jump off a cliff than ever leave SG-1!"

Transfer.

Leaving.

Danny'd never leave. Never.

"Colonel?"

Oh, yeah. Sorry George.

"Have you been listening to a word I've said?"

"Yessir...kind of...not really...no, sir."

Tealc's eyebrow aint' got nothing on the Hammond Glare. He should patent that thing.

"Sir, I'm sorry, but I'm really worried about Daniel. The whole time we were gone, he was so detached, not like himself at all."

Hammond's demeanor relaxes. "Colonel, I think someone ought to get to the bottom of this. I agree, he's not acting himself. This request is the last thing I would have ever expected from Dr. Jackson."

I nod my head, still thinking.

Transfer.

"I'd rather jump off a cliff --"

"Just leave me alone."

"You should have let me die, Jack."

Oh my God.

I jerk all over with the force of my realization, leap up out of my chair.

"Colonel O'Neill?" George looks really worried now that it seems a full fifty percent of his flagship team has officially gone off their rockers.

"Sir, I think I know what's wrong with Daniel, but I have to get to him now, before he does anything stupid."

I'm rising, ready to bolt out the office door. "Did he go home?"

"He said he'd be home waiting for my answer to his request. Get yourself cleared by Doctor Frasier, then you all have three days stand down."

"Thank you, sir." Running through the halls, quick hello to Janet.

"Colonel, will you please sit still!"

"Doc, I need to get to Daniel." Magic words, the rest of the exam is short and sweet.

Straight to my office, it's good to be home, but no time for that now. Keys, where are my keys? Aha.

Five minutes later, I'm barreling down the road and hoping, praying I'm not too late.

-----

The door's shut, so I knock softly; doubt his doorbell got fixed while we were gone.

No answer.

Okay, okay, don't panic for chrissakes O'Neill, just because this is just like last time...

It's unlocked as I try the knob. "Daniel?" It looks like he's been here, if he's not right now. Windows open, letting a soft breeze catch the gauzy curtains. Even the balcony door...

The door to the balcony is open.

Don't be stupid Jack, there's just no way -

I'd believe it better if this didn't already seem like a bad rerun in my head.

It only got that bad because of the light.

But it's been getting worse ever since.

I can't go out there.

I have to.

Slowly, slowly, heart pounding louder with every step, I push open the door.

Daniel

I hear Jack's voice quietly calling my name. Inevitable, I guess. Knew he wasn't going to be satisfied until he got some answers. That's fine; I have some questions of my own.

The door behind me is opening, slowly Jack emerges, looking straight ahead. Apprehensive steps toward the railing. He thinks that I -- ha!

"I'm not that damned emotionally fragile, Jack."

He almost goes over the railing himself, he jumps so abruptly. Stares at me with big eyes.

"Didn't jump. Wouldn't give you the satisfaction."

He's still gaping, open mouthed and shocked.

"Daniel, I -"

"Save it, Jack. I know why you're here." Rising from my seat, I head towards the kitchen. He follows, wordlessly. "You want something to drink?" I call out, rummaging in the fridge.

"Daniel, this isn't exactly a social call," he replies. I can hear the anger rising in his voice. "I wanna know why you asked the General to be reassigned."

"Not like you care, but I just don't think I can be a part of the team anymore." He looks somewhere between confused and enraged.

"Why?" he asks shortly, ignoring the insult.

Because it's tearing me apart, the family I love is falling to pieces, I could eventually come to terms with you and Sam being together, but the fact that you ripped apart our little group in the process, threw me into the fire in your pursuit of her is just too damn much, Jack, and truth be told, I don't think I could ever really accept the two of you together, not when I'm so in love with you it's burning my soul to ashes...

"Personal reasons." Not the answer he was looking for.

"Like what?" he shoots back.

"None of your business." That did it.

"Dammit, Daniel, you owe me an explanation!"

He's yelling now, furious. It's taking all of my effort to stay calm, to not break down and cry and tell him I want my family back, I want my friend back, I want the man I love --

"I don't owe you anything, Jack," I reply in a deceptively cool tone, " and if you keep screaming

like that, I'm sure the neighbors are going to call the cops." I sit down on the couch, and Jack quickly takes a place in front of me.

Along with the change in volume comes an apparent change in tactics. He's speaking more quietly and yet more desperately, hissing the words.

"What happened to you? You shut yourself off from everyone, and I can't even put a hand on you without you screaming your head off. What the hell is going on?"

How I want to tell you, Jack. I want to tell you and hear you say 'I'm sorry' and hear you say 'I'll fix it,' and hear you say 'I love you';

"I -"

It's like the past three weeks just caught up with me in this instant. I'm suddenly so tired. Tired of fighting, tired of lying, keeping you at bay. I fight you enough in my dreams, Jack. I don't want to do it here, too.

Why not. Good chance this'll be the last time I really ever speak to you. Might as well lay it all out on the table.

As I look up from where I've been holding my face in my hands, I see he's not angry anymore. Confused, worried, but it looks like he was never really angry. Even when he had me pinned to the wall, he wasn't angry.

"You really are worried, aren't you?"

"Well, yeah!! This isn't like you at all." He's moved from the chair opposite me to kneel on the floor in front of me, puts his hands over mine now braced on my knees.

"Talk to me, Daniel. What's goin' on?"

"Zatarcs," I blurt out quietly.

He looks puzzled.

"That's when it started, really." Still confused, but he rises from the floor now, sits next to me on the couch.

"Sam said it never had to leave the room, but it did. I knew, she knew, Teal'c knew... in case you hadn't noticed, that's when everything began to go to pieces."

He opens his mouth to speak, but I cut him off. "If you want answers, Jack, you're just going to have to let me go through it without interrupting me. I don't think I can do it otherwise."

One, two blinks, then a quiet 'okay'.

I take a deep breath and start in again.

"I know you want her, Jack. And that's okay with me. Well, not okay but... suffice it to say I'll learn to live with it. What I don't get is why you had to hurl me aside to do it. I didn't know there was a tradeoff; my friend or her lover -- but that's beside the point. You simply can't involve half of the team in something and not expect it to affect the rest of us! I just -"

I have to stop for a few seconds, trying to suppress the tears threatening at my eyes.

"Why, Jack? What unpardonable sin did I commit, what grievous error, to be left in the dirt? Or do you always forsake your best friends when you're chasing a girl?"

He's gaping at me, open mouthed, looking like I just slapped him

"How..."

I watch in muted terror as the shock gives way to something else. Cold, hard fury.

"How dare you question my ability to lead this team!" he howls.

"I've never kept anything from you or Teal'c! You are the one that cut yourself off, you are the one that abandoned me after you had that stupid dream, or whatever that Harcesis kid gave you, which you still refuse to talk to me about by the way! I have never not been here for you, Daniel!"

"I'm the one that came to pull you off that balcony, I'm the one that hauled you back to the palace after you were as good as dead,"

All done on direct orders, I'm sure.

"and you have the nerve to tell me I don't care?"

This is not at all what I expected. Not that I know what I expected in the first place, but Mr. Hyde snapping my head off wasn't it.

If he doesn't calm down, I'm afraid something or some one is going to get broken.

"Jack, I never questioned your capability in leading our team," I reply, trying to steady the quaking in my voice. "I've just -- "

"Oh, so now you're just telling me I'm a lousy friend, is that it?"

Glowering over me, the glint in his eyes one I've rarely seen before.

"Jack, please..."

"I have reached out to you, begged, pleaded, threatened," he growls angrily, "and I admit,

locking you in that room wasn't the greatest idea, but I couldn't think of anything else to do!

I've tried, Daniel, but even I have my limits as to how many times I can be kicked around. I'm not that damn thick; I realize when I'm not wanted."

With that, he storms to the door, flings it open.

"And for the record," he calls back to me, "you couldn't be more wrong about me and Carter."

The wall shakes as he slams the door, walking out of my apartment; maybe out of my life for good.

Jack

I can barely see the road for the tears pooling in my eyes, running down my face. The voice inside my head is screaming ten times louder than I yelled at Daniel.

<Why, why did you do that? How stupid could you possibly be? He's feeling rejected, and this is how you handle it? Good luck keeping him on the team now, much less as a friend, and forget ever -- >

I barely slam on my brakes in time for the red light.

-----

Walking in the door, I'm not quite sure how I managed to make it home, but I did. I'm not really aware of what I'm doing; consequentially, the fire seems to get lit by magic.

What is wrong with me? He did exactly what I asked, what I wanted him to do, reach out and open up to me, and when he finally did, I just - lost it. This weird, buzzing, out-of-my head feeling hit me, and I just lost it, yelling and screaming.

<You know damn well why>

Yeah, I do.

<Because he was telling the truth, the truth you've been too scared to face, that you shoved him out of the way to go after Sam, all because she was safer that who you really wanted>

Not wanted. Want.

Weather's gotten cooler now; we're supposed to be in for a chilly night. The fire's warm though, the only thing in the room that is.

How did I fuck up so badly? I thought I'd finally come to terms with these feelings I have for Daniel, accepted that whatever they are, they're sure never to be reciprocated. After all this time, I'd finally relegated to just being his friend, and then he went and - kissed me.

I know exactly why he did it; pretty smart tactical move. Guess he's learning something from me after all.

Element of surprise, and it worked; he got away from me. It was a distraction, pure and simple, but it was like he tossed gasoline on a dying fire. That murky, smoldering desire I'd tamed flared up in that one moment, roared back to life, and all that emotion didn't have anywhere to go, so I lashed out at him.

I hate him for rekindling the flames and just walking away.

I hate him for not loving me.

I hate him for making me love him.

I love him.

Shit, I haven't cried this much since Charlie died. Fresh tears at finding what I want, what I need after all this time, and knowing I can never have it. All too familiar pain; I'm in mourning for what I've lost, for what's gone, for what never will be.

-----

A sharp pounding on my door interrupts my bereavement. Whoever you are, go away.

"Jack!" Pound. Pound. Pound. "Jack, open this damn door right now!"

Aw, hell.

Pound. Pound.

I'm wiping at my face, trying to get it together, can't see me like this...

Silence.

He's...gone? Is that good? Or bad?

The last thing I want is to see Daniel right now.

The only thing I want is to see Daniel right now!

Apparently, the decision's been made for me as he's obviously given up; the pounding's stopped.

I sit back down in front of the fire when I hear the quick scrape of a key in the lock as the door is thrown open. Guess he remembered where I keep the spare.

"Jack! Get out here right now! JACK!"

He's walking into the living room, not seeing me yet.

"I know you're here, dammit! Your car's -- there you are!"

He growls the last words as he spots me on the rug and stalks over to me.

"I want you to listen to me, for once in your life! I refuse to take all the blame for this! Okay, maybe I've been reluctant to confide in you about some things, but that's only because lately, when I try to talk to you, all I get is ridicule or mistrust!"

"It also doesn't mean I've been pushing you away because I won't talk! I have had one hell of a time dealing with so much stuff in my head lately, and you're supposed to be there for me! You're supposed to listen and be patient and understand I'll open up when I'm ready --"

"Daniel -- "

"Shut up, Jack!!" He emphasizes his words by punching a pillow. "You have no idea the hell I've been through these past few weeks! That 'dream' Shifu gave me? You're so eager to know about it, so I'll tell you.

I turned into a monster! Pure, unadulterated evil, all in the guise of trying to save the planet, and you -- you saw right through me, and --"

He pauses, I can see the tears welling in his eyes, "and you shot me!"

He moves closer now, kneels on the floor feet from me.

"And that was just the start. The nighttime walks at the palace? Those were because I was scared out of my mind to fall asleep! Every time I'd close my eyes, I'd see you, pushing me off the balcony, holding the gun to my head, sticking the knife in my heart, hurting me, killing me!

I realized my head's telling me you're cutting me loose, letting me go in favor of Sam, but then you keep 'rescuing' me, saving me."

The tears have given way to fierce anger; he's twitching with rage, doesn't know what to do with himself, nervous as a ferret on speed.

"Daniel, of course I want to help you, you're my friend!"

He smiles.

But it's the coldest, most cynical smile I've ever seen him give, almost makes my blood run cold.

"Then I'd hate to see what you do to your enemies, Jack."

Something inside of me snaps. All the anger I've been feeling seems to pull itself together in one blinding flash.

"You are the one who wouldn't talk to me!"

No neighbors here, Danny, I get to do the yelling now.

"And I told you, I was never chasing Sam!"

The cold grin falters. He blinks.

"So -- that means you've been pushing me away for no reason -- at all?"

Daniel's getting this pensive look, I can see his brain turning this over in his head, no time to protest what he's just said, to reply that I know I've been awful to him before he speaks again.

"So that just makes it even - worse."

"Daniel -"

Holds up a hand. "No, wait. Let me think this over." He has his hand on his chin, approaching this like it was just another artifact or translation.

I can't bring myself to say anything at all.

"You know, I'm trying to figure out what - happened, and I can't honestly think of anything." Folds his arms across his chest. "Tell me, Jack. I mean, you never did answer me the first time." That cold grin again. "What was my unforgivable failing? What did I do, or not do, to make you despise me?"

That does it.

"Goddamit, Daniel, I'm sick of this! Quit feeling so sorry for yourself!"

That one throws him.

"You haven't been so great to me either. I tried as much as I could to reach out to you..."

He's advancing on me now, eyes flashing.

"Before, Jack," he growls slowly. "before all that, before the dreams, before I flatlined, you have been treating me like shit! Even when we were stuck in that palace, all you did was pal around with Sam; you two were attached at the hip!"

"We were talking about you the whole time!"

He blinks. Weren't expecting that, wereya Dannyboy?

Shakes his head. "No, that... it started with that Zatarc detector the Tok'ra brought in. You said you cared more than you should for Sam." His voice is rising now. "Even when we went to Euronda -"

He's right, dammit I know he's right. I'm the one with the apologizing to do. All he did was have a few weird dreams.

" 'Never over with you, Daniel?' 'Shut up, Daniel?' Ring any bells, Jack?"

Ouch.

"Okay. Allright, so I haven't been so great to you lately. So... I'm sorry."

Blink.

Daniel throws his hands up in the air. "Wow! Well, that just makes it all okay then! The great Colonel has deigned to utter those three little syllables and our friendship is magically mended!

Never mind the rotten way he's treated me; he's sorry!"

Why you little...

"Listen, you sarcastic bastard, whaddya want from me?"

"I want an explanation, Jack! I want a reason..."

"I'm in love with you, that's the reason!"

I caught some Monty Python on PBS before we left on our last mission, and an expression I heard suddenly leaps to mind.

Oh, bloody hell.

Part Three

Daniel

I'm so angry I'm having auditory hallucinations, yup, that's it, no way Jack just said what I think I heard...

Nice try.

"You... what?"

His mouth is clamped tightly, somewhere between the verge of tears and anger. He turns his face aside and looks down at the ground.

"You heard me."

"But - I -- no you aren't!"

He laughs, bitterly. "Afraid I am." He looks up at me, finally.

"Danny...I know just saying 'I'm sorry' won't fix it, but tell me I can fix it, somehow -- please?"

"Jack, I -- " That's about all I can manage right now. Finding out the person you've been hopelessly pining for feels the same tends to leave you speechless.

He's staring, waiting. He grimaces, and turns away form me.

"No. 'Course I can't, not now." I see him take a deep breath. "Okay. So I'll call Hammond and tell him I'm the one that'll be transferring instead. No reason you should have to."

He seems to be talking to himself more now than me.

"And, um, if you don't mind, I'd like to be the one to tell Teal'c and Carter."

Pacing the room, I think he'd be getting his jacket and leaving if it wasn't his house. The state he's in, he just might anyway. I put an arm out to stop the restless movement.

"Explain."

He gives me a puzzled look. "What?"

"If you love me, why were you so busy shoving me away?"

He blinks, then a torrent of speech pours out, flat, monotone.

"I was afraid to get too close to you. I mean, do you have any idea how many times we've almost lost you? So many times I'd said my goodbyes, only to have you hop back into my life, 'oh look, I'm not so dead after all'."

He looks down at the floor. "Also pretty hard to miss the fact that you're a guy, Danny. I was married, for pete's sake, I'm not supposed to be attracted to my best friend, I'm a hard ass, macho colonel! Loving you would mean that I had to forget everything anyone ever told me about myself, about who I was supposed to be."

"You and Sam -- ?" My God. It's all coming into focus.

He gives me another rueful smile "Classic case of transference. That's the other thing we talked about. A lot."

Transference? When did Jack go psychological on me?

"What?" He must notice the confused look. "Hey, I've taken a few psych courses in my time. Just never expected to apply any of it to myself. Life's full of surprises that way, huh? Well -- "

He sits down, runs a hand through his spiky hair. "I suppose this is goodbye, then."

What? "Goodbye?"

"Yeah, well, I'll be transferring to another team, so I'm sure I won't see you much anymore."

Huh? "Transferring?"

He looks up, confusedly. "Daniel, haven't you been listening to a word I've said?"

"Um, not really. You kind of lost me after 'I'm in love with you'."

He sighs loudly. "Danny, I'm sorry -"

"That's not something you process easily, you know."

"I didn't mean -"

"Especially when I've been wanting to hear it for so long."

"I - what?"

Here goes.

"Because I love you too, Jack."

"You...I... what?"

Guess he didn't hear me. I crouch down in front of him and place my hands on his thighs. "I -- love you."

He stares at me for the what seems like forever, like I'm some new species of bug he's never seen before. "You...you do?"

I put a hand on his cheek, and finally notice the eyes seeming to glisten just a bit more than usual. I nod my head. "Uh-huh."

"I -- " He swallows hard. "But then why-"

I cut him off. "Because I thought I was being discarded, tossed out. I thought I wasn't good enough anymore, I was watching my little 'family' breaking to pieces, and I was sure I'd have to get used to the idea of being alone again. So, I started to pull away from everybody, convinced that I was being abandoned by the person I cared about the most."

"Daniel." Before I know what hit me, I'm wrapped tight in a bone-crunching hug. "Oh, God..." I feel and hear a sound, somewhere between sobs and laughter, Jack's clutching me even tighter, I swear, he's bruising ribs! He pulls back, smiles, strokes a hand along my cheek. "I thought you hated me!"

"And I thought you were after Sam!"

We both grin, and then he looks at me strangely, like he's thinking about something intensely.

Before I can say 'what?', he takes my face in both hands.

"I can't tell you how damn sorry I am, Danny. You're right, I was treating you like shit, trying to convince myself I was after Sam; I tried so hard I even convinced that Tok'ra gizmo I had feelings for her, but hell, do you have any idea how much all that talk about 'letting you die' scared the crap out of me?!" His thumbs have started to stroke my cheek gently. "You... you didn't mean it, didja?"

"No, not entirely." The truth may not be easy for either of us, but it's what needs to be said. I put a somewhat shaky hand on his cheek, mimic his movements on my face. "I can't pretend I wasn't feeling it, Jack. I was in a world of pain, convinced I'd lost my little family and my best friend, wondering if it was something I'd done, sure I could never fix it. That, and the withdrawal and the dreams and the lack of sleep - well, you get the picture."

He scowls slightly. "You never did explain those dreams."

So, I do. The one Shifu showed me, the ones where Jack was trying to kill me, over and over again.

"And that's why I couldn't sleep. Every time I hit dream sleep, you'd be waiting for me, so, I just stayed up, working, walking..."

"You were awful cute singing along to that U2 cd." The corners of his mouth lift ever so slightly.

"You mean you heard me sing and you still want me?"

He leans in closer, hands still on my face. "You betcha." He gives a tiny grin.

His forehead is touching mine, and after a while of stroking my cheeks with his thumbs, he starts to pull away, but then seems to think better of it. He's hovering in front of me, mere centimeters, I feel the puffs of exhaled breath on my lips as he speaks.

"Forgive me, Daniel?"

You betcha.

Brush of his lips on mine, the mere promise of a kiss...

Grasping the back of his head with one hand, locking on to that hot, moist mouth. No more hoping, wanting, rather be doing, thanks -

I feel Jack groan as he opens to me, bends his elbows in, pulling me closer, still holding my face, trapping me.

Silky lips, parting, sucking gently, his tongue curling around mine, stroking, playing, tasting the warm, sweet depths, more Jack, all of it, forget slow and sweet, we've both waited too long. I'm pulling on his mouth hard as a hand disengages from my cheek, moves to my back, stroking in slow, rhythmic circles, it's lulling, hypnotic, really...

"Whoa... Daniel?"

No talking, more kissing, even though I'm running out of air here.

"Hey, Danny?"

Legs are getting a little wobbly, too.

"Daniel!"

Falling again, but good this time, safe, warm -

How did I get on the couch?

"Jack, I'm -- I just --" I don't care if I am dying again, he'd better not stop kissing me.

"You're exhausted is what you are! Haven't had a decent night's sleep in close to three weeks." He's pulling me off the couch, gently but steadily propelling me down the hallway. "Come on."

Soon, we're both in Jack's bedroom.

"Okay, Danny." He leads me to the bed, tries to lower me down onto it.

"Taking me to bed already? You do move fast."

"Relax, wouldya?" He proceeds to sit down on the bed, and quickly hooks an arm around my waist and pulls me down.

"Ow! What did you do that for?"

"You need to sleep, Danny. End of story."

He lays down flat, pulling me with him so that he's sort of spooning up behind me, one arm snug around my waist. I can tell by the sure grip he's got that he's not letting this or me go anytime soon. Anyways, this feels good. Warm bed beneath me, warm colonel cuddled up next to me:

I could get used to this.

---------

Something's holding me down.

Straps on my arms... no, have to get out of here!

Running, down the halls, trying to get away, have to get away...

Trying to keep me, trying to take her away from me, won't let you do it, need to go back, promised her.

"Jesus, Daniel!! You trying to kill me!?"

"You're trying to kill me!" Keeping me from her -- no, not her, but keeping me from something, someone.

"There'll be guards here in thirty seconds."

"I'm going back!" Have to, have to go.

"You don't have to!" He's calling my name, pleading, I can see the worry in those warm brown eyes, gun in my hand, it would be so damn easy to end it, the pain, the hurt, the fear. One move, one little squeeze and it's over, no more, no more...

"Jack?"

Holding me, no, cradling me like a pained child, rocking me gently, sweetly. Soft whispers "I'm here, Danny, I'm here for you, whatever you need, I'll help you, take care of you -"

Holding me, wrapped around me, safe, warm, protected; loved even.

No.

This isn't right, isn't fair, I'm wrapped in his arms, comforted, cared for, but I couldn't even protect her, couldn't keep her safe, taken from me, from her family --

"No, Jack." Trying to wriggle out of his grasp, I feel the arms shift, almost - change?

"Stay. Stay, and hear me, my Dan-yel."

Sha're? Holding me?

"But - but you're gone."

She strokes my hair back from my face, the way she did when it was longer. That mysterious smile again. "I am always with you husband, even now."

"You're dead."

"I am free, thanks to you. I am at peace, my Dan-yel. Why are you not the same?"

At peace? How can I be, I've been unfaithful to her so many times, wanted to be at least. Shyla, Ke'ra;

Jack.

She puts two fingers on my lips, as if I've spoken out loud. Maybe I have.

"Do not trouble yourself over those things, my love."

My love. Oh god, how can I -

"But I betray you if I love him!"

"No. I have moved on, but you have yet to understand; your love for another cannot ever take away from your love for me." She smiles softly again. "You have found the boy, done as I asked. The path you have walked with me, for me, has ended, and you have honoured me by it. But it is time for you to walk a new path at the side of another..."

Her voice fading, presence echoing away.

"Sha're -- I love you."

-----

"Daniel?" I feel strong hands on my shoulders.

"Wha--?"

Warm smile. "Mornin', Sleeping Beauty! You've been out for close to twelve hours."

"Jack?"

"Come on, I fixed us some dinner. Nothin' fancy, but after three weeks of K-Rations older than Teal'c, I'll bet it's good by comparison." He extends an arm to me, begins to help me off the bed. I rub the sleep out of my eyes, leaning towards him, still a little wobbly. Jack scowls a bit at this.

"Danny? You weren't having another nightmare, were ya?"

I look into worried eyes. The time will come to explain, but not now. I smile at him.

"No, no nightmare. A dream. Pretty good one, too."

"Cool." He nods, helps me to my feet all the way, gently guiding me down the hall. "I'm starving. C'mon."

-----

It's the strangest thing. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him all throughout dinner, mostly because he seemed to look - different somehow. It's like I finally have permission to see Jack the way I want to, feel what I feel. The guilt, the pain that has been ghosting me like a shadow is released; gone.

I feel a strong hand at my back as I sit in front of the fire. "You okay?"

"Mmmmmhm. Better than okay, thanks." As his hand moves to squeeze my shoulder, one of mine reaches up to join it, threading fingers through. "Why?"

I feel, rather than see him shrug. "I dunno. You just seem kind of different somehow."

"Different good, or different bad?"

"Well, you're not screaming at me, you're letting me touch you; I think I'd say different good."

The hand on my shoulder flexes tentatively. I almost can't believe it; to think, this is okay now, this is all right, touching, feeling free to do, to want. It's almost overwhelming, but empowering all at once, too. Strength given after so much taken away.

I pull the hand still entwined with mine to my mouth, brushing my lips against it. I hear the breath catch in his throat, drawn out exhale.

"You could touch a lot more than this, Jack." I place a soft kiss on the palm.

He gulps. "Daniel - " A little breathier than usual, I think. I give a slow, steady pull on his arm, and he follows the guiding tug around to the front of the couch and stands before me. Looking up into those deep eyes, I see a faint shimmer of something there, first sparks of beginning love, and something else:

Pure, unabashed lust.

Jack

He's staring straight up at me, and something in those ocean eyes tells me that he plans to lead the show here, thank you very much, so just buckle up, shut up and hold on.

What the hell. I've always loved a good ride.

Daniel untangles his hand from mine, eyes still locked on me. He's not laying a finger on me, but I'm completely and utterly trapped.

He's been sitting with his knees kind of tucked to his side, and now he moves them underneath him, shifting so he's now kneeling on the couch, putting his head a little below my chest.

Arms go around me, and I take a step forward as Daniel pulls me into him, turning his head and gently laying a cheek against my ribcage. The hands at my back are clutching gently at me, flexing gingerly. Simple holding, just a hug really, but there's something in the way he's holding to me, leaning against me, that tells me more than anything that it's well and truly over;

the pain, the aching, the fighting.

I've served my time in a self-made purgatory, and this amazing person in front of me is my redemption.

The realization makes me a little wobbly, and I grab Daniel's shoulders to kind of steady myself. He shifts, then settles back in, nestled in my torso. I move a hand to that spiked honey hair; whaddya know, it is as soft as it looks. The quiet moan of appreciation he gives resonates through my chest, sending tiny shock waves through to my groin.

He pulls his head away and slides his hands around to my front again, forcing me to release my grip. Before I get to complain, they slide down to my belly, caressing gently, bunching the fabric as they move, stroking, gliding.

Moving...up? Cool air as he exposes the skin, warm now as he's breathing on my abdomen, hot-

Oh god, kissing, kissing my stomach, the moist little suckling sounds he's making doing almost as much to me as the feel of his lips on my body. My head goes back, didn't even notice until I saw ceiling, and somehow, my shirt seems to have gotten unbuttoned along the way.

Hands sliding it open, his mouth melting every inch of me it touches to butter while the hands continue their effort and remove the shirt completely. Palms press my ribs as he levers himself upwards a bit more, just enough to put his head level to mine, but before I get to catch those soft lips, he pulls me in a little tighter, drops little pecks and nibbles on my throat, I could swear he's purring, moving further down, licking, kissing, ohhhhhmygod, biting at a nipple, stroking it softly with that moist tongue.

I reach out, cradle that sweet face in my hands, pull away a bit. He looks up, questioningly. "Jack?"

What's the matter Daniel, never seen a guy head over heels for you before? I manage a small smile before I bend down, take that delicious mouth with mine.

His whole body seems to surge into this kiss, pressing into me, against me, telling me he wants this as much as I do. Pushing hard, pulling me into him, sucking on my mouth like a vacuum, hot, moist tongue stroking my palate, tickling it, stroking along teeth, exploring, running along my lower lip, it's good, it's great, but I want more, need more.

He seems to read my mind as we both break the kiss. Clairvoyance, oxygen deprivation, either way. He looks at me, crystal eyes warm with desire.

"Bed?" he manages to pant out.

"Sounds good," I manage to breathe back. I back away a step, offering a hand to pull him off the couch.

Hair mussed, lips shiny and plumped from all the kissing, those hooded, liquid eyes -- on second thought, I might not make it to bed after all.

---

Walking down the hall, I feel the heat of him behind me, buzzing like low electricity. I pause in the doorway, feeling Daniel come to an abrupt stop behind me. A hand goes to my shoulder, and I turn to worried eyes.

"Jack?" he says softly.

I look him square, put a hand on either shoulder. "I am so damn sorry, Danny."

"For what?"

"Everything. I shouldn't have locked you in that room, I shouldn't have been stalking you at night, I'm supposed to be the one protecting you, for crying out loud! I was just so focused on finding out what was wrong, I never stopped to think that I was the reason you were so bad off." Regular speech here, I have to stop and take another deep breath.

"Hell, I think even Teal'c and Carter knew I was your problem; they didn't want to leave me alone with you the entire time we were at the palace, did you know that?"

He's looking at the ground, not meeting my eyes. I tilt his chin up, and I'm pretty surprised to see two burning spots of pink. Why on earth is he blushing?

"I think," he says slowly, cheeks burning. "that was partly because they knew how I felt about you."

What!

"You told them? Isn't that the kind of thing you should've told me first?"

Now he's laughing, for the love of --

I'm getting good and pissed off and he thinks it's funny?

"Jack, we weren't exactly on the best of terms at the time! I had to go to someone, I was just so - lost." He gulps, and I feel a lump work it's way into my throat.

"The one time you needed me most, and I wasn't there." I reply quietly, feeling the lump swell.

He puts a hand on my cheek. "We were both in kind of a bad place there, Jack. It had to come to a head somehow." His words pause, but the hand on my cheek moves, begins a slow, caressing motion. "That last night, I knew something was going to happen. Wasn't quite sure what, but I knew I'd be in for some kind of trouble if I went on another nighttime walk. Sam even tried to warn me, you know."

"She gave me away, huh? Do tell."

"She didn't exactly give you away. Just warned me to go to bed and stay there. Figured you'd clued her in when you said she and Teal'c weren't going to come to my rescue."

"Bluffing," I admit. "Orders or not, you know they'd have come running if they really thought something bad was going on." I gulp. "If they thought I was really - hurting you..."

The realization hits me like a bucket of ice water. I was hurting him, have been for months. Ever since we buried Sha're, I have been so angry. With that chapter of his life closed, he seemed eager to take on the next one, to follow his new quest, find some new 'path'. From finding his wife to finding her son, he was so damn driven, never noticed that I was there, never turned to me for anything.

All the time we'd spent together, buddying around, and he turns to a stranger for comfort after he's been made a widow, a stranger that turns out to be a monster, Destroyer of Worlds to be exact. He never saw me there, waiting for him, waiting to comfort him --

Never saw me falling in love with him.

He never realized, and I hated him for it. I lashed out at him, tried to convince myself it wasn't him I wanted after all, but Sam.

Once I sat down and talked about it with her, she was all to eager to dispel me of that little notion right there, thank you very much. She was a little blunt, but to the point.

Basically, the whole conversation was her lecturing me, telling me she's never been a fatalist, and the last thing she believes is that we're condemned to our future actions by some universal power, least of all just because we happened to meet someone who looked and sounded like her and just happened to love someone who looked and sounded like me. She made it crystal clear that I had two choices in the matter. I could agree with her and like it or I could agree with her and not like it. Either way was just fine.

No mistaking, whatever little schoolboy notions I might have thought of having about being 'with' her were gone, and the rest of our time was mostly spent with me pestering her about what could be wrong with Daniel. I was right after all; she was holding out on me.

I'll have to send her a great big 'thank you' fruit basket for that.

A voice interrupts my reverie. "You wouldn't have hurt me, I know that. Despite everything, in the end, you had good intentions."

I look into his eyes, and I'm totally floored. He's telling the absolute truth. Daniel knows for a fact that I wouldn't have hurt him, and he completely and utterly understands why I did what I did, and fully forgives me for it.

His eyes. Daniel's eyes tell me that everything I could ever want is right here. The promise I see in them, the love they speak of - whoever said eyes are windows to the soul only got it half right, I'm afraid.

I see what his heart wants, what his spirit craves, but I also see the desires of his body plain as day in those crystal blues. Fairly sparking with that inner fire, blazing and smoldering all at once.

He wants me. Base, primal, primitive need.

I never thought going Neanderthal could sound so good.

Daniel

Who would have thought that Jack had so much sentiment hidden in there? Sweet, really, and I feel guilty that I kind of spaced out for a big part of that speech, busily deciding which part of him I want to devour first.

I think we've come to an understanding here; I watch his expression deepen like a gathering storm, one that promises to completely sweep me away.

"Good intentions." He echoes my last words. "Yup, most definitely... good."

The hands come off my shoulders, and one grabs the hand I still have on his cheek, guides it to his mouth. Kisses each fingertip slowly, langorously in turn, I never knew my hands were an erogenous zone until he got ahold of them.

I remove a hand from his grasp and slide it around to the nape of his neck, stroking slowly.

"And what are your intentions now, Jack?"

My breath catches slightly at the naked hunger I see in his eyes as I look into his eyes.

"Not so good," he almost growls.

I can't tell if I'm pulling him into me or he's moving of his own volition. Either way, he's coming closer to me, eyes full of purpose.

"Would you say they're almost - bad?" Who knew I was such a tease?

"Definitely bad," he hisses as his mouth clamps down hard on mine.

Sucking the breath out of my lungs like a drowning man, thrusting that hot, moist tongue into my mouth, stroking along everything it can reach. Kissing and kissing, tickling my upper palate, making me groan as he wraps his body around mine at the same time that searching wetness curls around me.

I stumble, moving backwards. I feel wood at my back, he's shoving me into the doorway, pressing hard against me. A hand appears on the back of my neck, caressing gently, deceptively slow and sweet. Deceptive because the other hand is planted directly on my butt, grasping and massaging, stroking firmly along my backside. And speaking of firm -

"Seems like someone down there likes me," I manage to pant out between kisses, trembling a little as I ever so lightly graze a hand along the stiffening length of him. He gasps, pushes himself into my touch.

"Jesus, Danny, ya think? Just because you've got me as hard as a rock -"

Some things never change. Sarcasm, thy name is Jack O'Neill.

"You know," he says between kisses, "I do have-" kiss, kiss, "a great biiiig bed-" nibble, kiss, "right over there." He gestures with his chin, and grins goofily.

"Uhm, not that I mind Jack, but you're the one pinning me to the doorway here."

He looks down as if suddenly realizing this. "Ah. Touché." He backs off and moves to the bed, starting a bit when I sidle up behind him and wrap my arms around his waist. Kissing the back of his neck, reveling in the all-over shiver he gives when I blow gently on the moist spot left behind.

He places his hands over mine, loosens them just enough to be able to turn around and face me. He looks suddenly worried, almost scared.

"Danny, I've never...I mean, not with another...I haven't..." He stumbles over his words, and it takes me a bit to realize what he's saying. Making out on the couch and in the doorway is one thing; being confronted with a bed and an entirely new repertoire of anatomy is something else altogether.

"First time for everything, right?" I smile, and he gives me a tiny smirk in return. "We won't do anything you don't want to do, okay?" He stares at me for a few moments, then nods ever so slightly. Slowly, painfully cautiously, he brings his mouth to mine and hovers there, just breathing in and out, puffing warm air onto my mouth. I take a hand from his back and cradle his head, pull him in the remaining few centimeters to me.

"I love you," he whispers as I brush my lips on him.

He'd told me as much; intellectually, I know it, but to hear those words -

"Oh god, Jack -" His mouth sucks on mine softly, brushing his tongue on my teeth, I feel the tingling scratch of nails on my scalp as he rakes a hand through my hair.

He moves, a sort of jerking motion, and before I know what's going on, we're both on the bed, Jack's legs are winding around me, clutching me to him as he's kissing me, no, kissing isn't the word, more like making love to my mouth as he thrusts his heated, moist tongue in long, slow strokes into me, alternating with little licks and nibbles.

"Where the hell did you learn to do that?" I gasp as he pulls away, allowing me to breathe finally.

He grins lasciviously. "Around..."

"Come back here and do it again."

Jack

I don't think there are words in the English language yet that can describe what Daniel's doing to me. Burning is close, but sounds too negative. Heat, definitely. Coming damn close to setting me on fire; every nerve in me is jumping and sparking like a live power line. It's like I've never really felt - well, anything before, like I'm just at this very moment beginning to come into my own skin, to realize just how much sensation and emotion and passion can be contained inside of flesh and bone.

Bodies entwined, we're laying side by side on the bed as I'm kicking off what remains of my clothing. One minute, I had arms around my waist, and the next, Danny's squirming against me in only his underwear while unbuttoning my jeans, leaving only two thin layers of cotton and elastic.

As the clothes came off, so did my fears, my inhibitions, my apprehension about never having done this before.

Listen to me, for crying out loud, I'm waxing poetic here! Metaphors, searching for descriptive words -- maybe this is all part of some bizarre Vulcan mind-meld thing. I sure as hell am starting to sound an awful lot like Daniel.

Warm, silky hands roaming my body, stroking, caressing, kneading and gliding. They stop at the waistband of my shorts, linger as if asking a question.

"Jack?" Warm blue eyes looking at me. "You sure?"

"If I get any more sure, Daniel, I think I'll explode!"

He chuckles. "Okay, then."

Another burning kiss as those talented fingers slide off my underwear teasingly slowly, taking time to caress every inch of skin they can on the way down. Not that I'm complaining; he seems to set fire to every nerve he touches, and in a very good way.

A warm hand appears on my belly, moving in slow circles, down, down, that's it Danny, just a little lower --

Oh. Oh...wow.

I thrust into that warm touch, burning as long fingers wrap around me tightly and begin to stroke gently.

Too much, too good, too perfect, I'm dreaming, I know it. Hot, moist breath at my ear, whispering my name throatily, velvety fingers tightening around my shaft, stroking a little faster now, a little harder -

Suddenly, that warm pressure's gone, but it's okay, because now there's something even better.

Just me and Daniel, my Daniel, skin to skin, hard and hot and wanting and desperate. He shifts his naked heat against me, pushing into me, rocking his hips a little and stroking his shaft against mine, and damn, if that don't beat all.

"Jack," he hisses sharply, head burrowing into my neck. I can feel tiny tremors start to shake through his body, moving faster now, squirming against me, writhing and grinding his body into mine, heaven, pure and simple.

We set up a hard, urgent rhythm together, Danny thrusting against me as I wrap my legs around him to pull him in even tighter.

"Ohmygod, Jack," he says, gasping in surprise.

More desperate, quicker movements now, I can feel the heat rising inside of me, and in him too, if those harder, shorter thrusts are any indication. Never knew sheer friction could be so damn rewarding; I might have paid more attention in physics class otherwise.

He pulls away from the moist, noisy kisses he's been planting on my neck, and I feel a hand go to my cheek, turning my head so my eyes are locked with his.

"I want to..." he breathes between thrusts, "... see you, see your face when...oh God, when you..."

"When I come?" I manage to pant out.

Nods his head. "Uh huh."

"Won't... oh, Christ... won't have long to wait there, Daniel."

This seems to ignite something within him; he grabs a hip with his hand and thrusts even harder against me, grinding his groin into me deliciously fierce. Lays his forehead on mine, staring into my eyes as he nears the brink; I grab the back of his head and pull him in for one last kiss.

"Danny," I murmur against his lips, "I... oh...ohmygod..."

He pulls away quickly, watching me as I wince, overcome, burning, almost painful with the hard force of my orgasm, can't breathe anymore, it's too much, I can't --

I open my eyes just in time to see that lean, graceful neck throw back hard, the look on his face one that might convince a child or other innocent soul that he's in pain. He holds his breath, then gasps sharply, throws his head forward and screams my name loudly, just as I feel the warm, sticky fluid soak my belly and groin.

He holds himself up for a split second, then collapses into me, boneless, exhausted. "Jack..." Still panting hard, a hand grips my shoulder hard. "Oh, wow."

"Tell me about it," I reply.

I feel him shake with the little laugh he gives. "We should have done this sooner."

"If I hadn't been so busy being an idiot, we could have," I answer.

"Awww -" He rolls off me, cuddles into the crook of my arm. "You weren't the only one, you know."

"Well, yeah."

"Hey!" He punches me lightly on the arm. "You don't get to say that!"

"Buzzkill," I retort.

He cuddles into me further, pulling the blanket over us both.

"Shut up and let me sleep. Haven't had a decent night's rest in a few weeks, you know." He picks his head up, regards me with a smirk on his face. "I always sleep better with someone next to me."

"I guess that means you'll be sleeping great from now on." His face grows serious at this, but he quickly smiles.

"I don't know, Jack. You ever heard yourself snore?"

"Ha." I pull him into the crook of my shoulder, snuggle against that warm body.

He yawns loudly. "'Night, Jack."

"Goodnight, Danny."

Epilogue

Daniel

It's really amazing how quickly we seem to have fallen into this easy rhythm; every night finds me at his place or him at mine, watching tv, eating, not always ending up in bed, just enjoying being together again. That first night we made love...I got my friend back, but I also got so much more.

Everything's better now; the team dynamic is back to it's old ways, and even though we both agreed to not give Sam and Teal'c the specifics, I can tell they know. They seem to approve at any rate, especially since the sharp tension and anger that's been passing between Jack and I has evaporated.

It's not perfect; far from it. The fear is ever present, the dread that the wrong person at the SGC will find out, will use what Jack and I have against him, use it to end his career. Not perfect; but pretty close.

This night is one of the ones that finds us in bed, though; Jack is moaning appreciatively as I massage his back with warmed sandalwood oil.

Working the day's knots and tensions out is more of a happy by-product, I'll admit. More often than not, he conks out after a good backrub, so dazedly relaxed that he can't do much else but fall right off to sleep, and that's what I enjoy more than anything.

Watching him drift off so easily, so comfortably, and knowing that I did that, that I'm the reason he finds that easy peace at night warms my heart. Strange; it wasn't that long ago that the sight of him dozing brought about feelings of resentment, of anger. Underneath it all, though, was a sort of lingering sadness, knowing that I could never bring him to that level of tranquility. One of those rare times I was glad to be so very, very wrong.

I continue massaging, kneading deeply into those tense spots, seeking those quiet whimpers and moans that tell me I'm on the right track to melting him into oblivion.

When I finish, I usually clamber off of where I've been straddling his hips and lie down next to him, pull that limp, drowsy form into me. This time though, it's a not-so relaxed body I find.

"Jack? What's wrong?"

He reaches both hands down, disengages my hold on his waist and quickly turns to face me. Before I quite register what's happening, he pulls me into a deep, searing kiss.

I'm helpless, lost, gone as he delves into me, devours me, sets every inch of my mouth on fire as his tongue roams hungrily, tasting everything within its' reach.

He pulls back slightly, sucking gently on my lip before plunging back in, framing my face in his hands as he moves his whole body further into me. I feel his hardened shaft pressing into my hip; this whole time, I thought those little moans meant he was feeling relaxed! So much for that.

I'm on my back now as he crawls on top of me, still never breaking that soul-stirring kiss; I don't know how to explain it. It's like he's figured out some strange way to send all of his emotions, everything his heart and body is feeling through to me with this one connection, this one channel.

I almost can't take anymore; it's so tender and warm and sweet and searing and passionate all at once; the quick, darting thrusts, the long, slow, soft strokes, the moist sucking sounds he makes when he pulls my tongue into his mouth, caressing it, searching it warmly.

He pulls away, finally, one last brush of his lips on mine and I can breathe again, blessed air, but I feel almost-- bereft, like some magical connection was broken.

Still laying on me, pressing me solidly into the soft warmth of the bed, he moves to my ear, whispering softly.

"You know," he says quietly, " I thought that after I told you I loved you, after I knew you felt the same, that this was supposed to get easier! Thought that 'painful desire' stuff would go away, now that I know I can actually have you -- but it's actually getting worse, can you believe that? You're on my mind more than ever now; it's like I'm falling in love with you even more every day."

"Jack," I manage to sputter back, "I...I can't believe... wow."

He smiles briefly; I can feel the movement against the side of my cheek. "That's why I need this now."

I move my head to look at him. "Need what?"

He nuzzles his head into my neck, drops a soft, gentle kiss there. I feel the warm breath of his lips at my ear, and oh my god, I can't believe the words I'm hearing.

"Take me," he whispers. "I want you in me."

Jack

He's absolutely floored; I can tell. This is probably about the last thing he was expecting me to ask him. Truth be told, I didn't really think about it myself until tonight.

For some reason, all day, I've been thinking back to the first time we really 'made love' a few months ago. Amazingly moving -- beautiful is the only word I can think of. The trust he put in me, the way his body surged against mine, welcoming me into him, almost. It was mind-blowing, awesome, it just felt so good on so many levels, it was -- spiritual.

And all I can think of now is giving that amazing gift back to him, of placing myself in his hands, finally, of letting him know how rare and new it is for me to trust someone this much, especially enough to let them know me like this.

"Jack?" he gulps. "You sure about this?"

"Well, you seem to enjoy it so much."

He grins a little at this. "Yes, I do. A lot."

As if I couldn't tell by the surge of curses and prayers in multiple languages that stream out when I'm inside him.

He leans down, ghosts his lips over mine. A quiet, whispered, "I love you," and he's wriggling from out underneath me, reaching over to the nightstand for the small bottle of massage oil.

He moves back to me quickly, and snuggles up behind me, just like he normally does after he gives me one of those kick-ass backrubs. I hear the bottle snap open, then closed, and warm, slick hands are massaging my butt, drawing along gently, kneading softly, and damn, is that good.

I feel something hard press against me, and I jump a little when I realize what it is. I've never felt it anywhere back there before, and I'm surprised, after the initial shock to find it sort of -- exciting.

"Easy, love," he says quietly. "Didn't mean to surprise you there."

I'll never cop to it, not in a million years, not in front of a whole herd of Jaffa, but I love when he calls me some sweet little pet name like 'honey' or 'baby' or even 'love'. Things like that only slip out when we're in a heat-of-passion moment, and it lets me know how open and relaxed he is when he says stuff like that.

"S'okay," I manage to murmur back. "Didn't complain."

"Good," he chuckles softly. That amazing massage continues, and as I feel more oil on his hands, a single finger traces down my cleft, slipping into the break just an inch or two. He presses in a little more, and I feel him just barely brush the small opening back there and I can't help it, I wouldn't want to anyways, I moan, really loud and long and goofy sounding but I couldn't care less, it just feels so great.

"No wonder you like it!" I gasp out through panted breaths.

"That's not even the half of it, you know," he chuckles back.

The finger returns, pressing more firmly now, warm and slick and --

Oh Christ, in me, in me, it's actually inside of me, pistoning back and forth, stroking slowly, gently.

I feel the other hand at my chest, caressing softly, stroking it's way down to my belly, tracing small patterns there, setting my nerves on fire, burning me up as he moves down lazily.

"Wh -- yow! Ohhhhmygod..." Slender fingers curl around my shaft just as another slick finger pushes it's way into me, reaching deep inside.

Wonder what the opposite of a rock and a hard place are, 'cause that's what I'm stuck between right now. I thrust forward into that tight, warm hand, and when I move back, the fingers inside of me push in even further than ever, nailing that same magic spot over and over, the one that almost makes me black out with sheer ecstasy when he hits it. It's like the best orgasm I've ever had doubled and turned inside out.

"Jack?" Daniel's soft voice is calling me back down from the cloud I've taken residence on.

"Are you ready?"

There's more? Oh yeah, almost forgot.

I crane my neck around, a little awkward, but I manage. Kiss him as best I can, seeing as how he's still spooned up behind me. He gives a soft moan as I pull gently at his mouth, tasting the warm sweetness that is my lil' spacemonkey.

"Beyond ready, handsome."

He smiles. "Okay then."

Daniel

I move away from the quivering mass that has become my Jack and open the drawer of the small nighttable. Massage oil may be good for starters, but I want to make sure he's as comfortable as possible, so I reach for the small, clear bottle of lube.

I quickly divest myself of my boxer briefs and toss them aside. My hand goes to Jack's shoulder and I gently push him down onto the bed, so he's flat on his back. He looks up at me, eyes gleaming.

I take a pillow from the head of the bed, slide it under his hips to make the angle easier on him. As I'm stretching out on top of him, he gives a deep moan as our bodies meet. He grabs me in another amazing kiss, and I use the chance to pour some of the lube onto my hand, sliding two fingers into him.

He doesn't even jump, just groans even louder, and breaks away from the kiss briefly.

"Now, Daniel."

"Almost there." I quickly slather plenty of the viscous, clear fluid onto my hardened shaft, then press against that snug opening.

Jack's eyes fly open at this. "Oh, god -"

I press into him, just a little, just enough to let him get used to the feel of me inside of him. I feel him relax, and I slip in a little more. He tenses, winces.

"Oh Jack, I'm sorry..." I move to pull out of him, ease his pain, but an arm reaches out to stop me.

"Don't. Just need to get - used to it," he pants softly.

So I wait, agonizingly still, while he breathes deeply, settles into the feel of it. His eyes flutter open. "Okay."

I ease in a little more, using every ounce of control I possess to go slowly, to relish in the feel of that tight heat surrounding me. Before I realize it, I'm in to the hilt, and Jack's hands are digging into my arms. "Danny..."

I smooth the short, bristly hair back from his forehead, where a little of it clings to the sweat there. "Shhhh." I kiss the edge of his hairline, pulling out of him just a little and slowly, carefully thrusting back in. He moans deeply, so I take that as a go-ahead to move a little more.

Ever so gently, I set a slow rhythm, pulling out of his body gently, stroking back in leisurely as Jack moans beneath me.

I don't know who's enjoying this more; Jack writhing beneath me giving soft, stuttering breaths as he pushes back against my thrusts into him, or me, reveling in the feel of that snug warmth surrounding me.

"More..." I hear the harsh whisper come from Jack almost pleadingly, and I begin to move a little faster inside of him.

I almost gasp in surprise when I feel those strong, muscular legs clamp around me, pulling me even harder into him.

"Daniel," he whispers, reaching a hand up to stroke my cheek. I turn my head so the palm on my jawline is at my lips, and I kiss it reverently. Jack's eyes squeeze shut suddenly, and his lean limbs tighten their hold around my waist. "Oh, christ, Daniel!"

That familiar burning tide is welling within me, a wall of flames, overrunning every part of my body. I quickly reach out, take his shaft in hand, stroking him in time with my thrusts, growing shorter and quicker now. Any second, any moment -

"Daniel!" Jack screams my name, gritting his teeth and thrashing his head back against the pillow, and I feel the warm rush of fluid fill my palm.

And it's enough.

I lean into him, burrow my head into the side of his neck, digging the nails of my free hand into his shoulder, just a few more thrusts and -

"Ohmygod, Jack...Jack!" I'm there, I'm lost, I'm completely gone. Head exploding with blinding pleasure, every nerve in me sizzling with the sensations of him around me, next to me, I'm totally lost in him, to him -

My arms have gone to jelly, as well as the rest of me, so I consequently collapse into the warm body beneath me. There's the pleasant sensation of a warm mouth against my ear, puffs of breath as the words come.

"I love you, y'know."

I have just enough strength left to drag my head up an inch or two, placing my mouth at Jack's ear.

"Yeah, I know. Love you too."

end