The Mind Doesn't Decide 1

The Mind Doesn't Decide

by WordGeek

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asw/wordgeek/mind01.php
Summary: Daniel's memories begin to come back and he risks his friendship with Jack for the chance of something more

Daniel's doorbell rang; he still hadn't gotten used to the house the Air Force had helped him buy. Every time he died, they got rid of his apartment and all his stuff. Jack had put some of his personal effects into storage this time, god knows why, but there was no getting the apartment back. Not that losing an apartment was anything new. He remembered that having no place to go was practically why he'd become involved with the Stargate program in the first place.

Remembering took up a lot of his time recently. Sometimes the memories came to him at the strangest times; at the grocery store, in the shower, but mostly just as he was dropping off to sleep. Remembering his most recent apartment was the reason the doorbell was ringing.

"Saturday, right? Am I early?" Jack asked, glancing past Daniel into the living room and seeing no one else. He'd started to think he'd gotten the days mixed up when he didn't see Carter's Volvo out front.

"Nope. Right on time."

"Everyone else is late?"

"I didn't invite anyone else." Jack looked at him. Daniel smiled and reached for his jacket. Jack shrugged it off, still staring at Daniel. "Can I get you a drink?" he called from the hallway, as he hung Jack's leather coat up in the closet.

Jack thought about the tar-like imported beer Daniel favored and winced, wishing he'd thought to bring a six-pack of something normal. "Sure. Why not?"

Daniel came back into the room with a bottle of Jameson's and two small glasses. "Neat, no ice. Right?"

Jack grinned. "You remembered," he said, grateful to be spared the import.

Daniel smiled again. "Yeah... that's... why I asked you here." He sat on the couch and poured each of them a drink. "I've started to remember a lot more stuff and I guess I just needed to put things into perspective." He handed one of the glasses to Jack, who took a seat in the chair opposite, a coffee table between them.

"To gathering all your lost marbles," Jack toasted. Daniel laughed, raising his glass to the toast, then curled up Indian style on the couch, tucking his bare feet underneath him. It suddenly occurred to Jack that Daniel seemed to be almost glowing. Not like the other time, the time he died. Ascended. Whatever. For some reason, the way he looked... it raised the hackles on the back of Jack's neck. He felt an involuntary shudder run through him, and he cleared his throat to cover it.

"What else has drifted down into your conscious memory?" Jack asked.

"Lotsa stuff. Not in any particular order... I remember we disobey orders. A lot."

"I wouldn't say a lot," Jack corrected, frowning. "Just... when necessary. I like to think of them more like... guidelines."

"Ahh," Daniel smiled. "My mistake. It's a good thing Hammond is a patient man."

"Here's to General Hammond then, who could've court martialed us many times over," Jack toasted.

Daniel sipped at his drink. "I remember the two Sam's discussing the finer points of Naquadah physics during the Quantum Mirror escapade-"

"Aht-aht-aht!" Jack said, holding up his hand. "I thought this was a physics-free zone."

"And I remember that your dumb act is just that. An act," Daniel said, smiling. "Why do you do that?"

"Do what?"

Daniel grinned. "Right." He sipped his drink again thoughtfully. "I remember that you've taught me so much over the years. Watch each other's six. Don't leave anyone behind. Never give up. All good, positive lessons... Of course, you've also taught me how to field-strip a P-90 and how to garrote a man with a spoon-"

"Hey - you asked me to teach you stuff!"

Daniel smiled sadly. "I asked you to help me not be a liability to the team. I guess I hoped I wouldn't have to get good at it."

Jack smiled. "You've been a good student, Daniel, but you're still more archeologist than lethal weapon, don't worry," he said softly.

Daniel nodded. "I hate to think what my personal body count is...""You've never taken a life unnecessarily," Jack said quietly. "Only in defense of your team and only as a last resort."

Daniel looked into his glass. "Yeah, that doesn't make it any easier."

"No, it doesn't. It's isn't supposed to. When it doesn't bother you anymore, it's time to retire for real."

There was silence for a few stagnant moments, then Daniel said softly, "I remember you killed Reese."

They would never agree on this one. 'Kill' just isn't a word you use when taking out a weapon, and that's what Reese was. "It was a machine, Daniel. A dangerous machine. It had to be done," he said firmly. "If I hadn't shot her-it-would've killed us all." Daniel was glad that Jack hadn't needed to be reminded who she was. They'd had that argument years ago. Not much point doing it again, it would probably come out the same. Unless Jack was honest with himself...

"I remember you had to literally drag me away from the 'Meaning of Life stuff' on Ernest's planet."

"You're like that with cool new toys," Jack said, smiling.

"I wanted to stay."

Jack sipped his whiskey thoughtfully. "I know."

Daniel nodded toward the patio door, where the balcony of his apartment would've been. "I remember climbing out over the railing. I remember feeling so desperately alone... no meaning to my life, no purpose in going on... I remember you came and talked me down."

Jack shrugged. "You were addicted to that Go'a'uld light-thingy-"

"I would've jumped. I had no reason not to. You saved my life."

Jack didn't say anything for a long moment. "You saved mine on Abydos. Twice." He studied the amber liquid in his glass rather than look at Daniel.

Daniel nodded. "And later, when I slipped into a coma, you carried me through the gate back to the light-"

Jack was getting agitated now. "I didn't know what else to do, Daniel. Frazier said you were dying. You coded in the elevator on the way to the gateroom-"

"And you saved my life... again," he finished quietly.

"What is this Daniel, 'This is Your Life'? You're creepin' me out, here-"

Daniel smiled and re-filled Jack's glass. "I don't mean to creep you out, Jack. I know it makes you uncomfortable to be reminded of stuff like this. But these memories are important to me. My life's coming back to me a little at a time. And you've been a big part of that. Indulge me. Please?"

Jack threw back the remainder of his drink and set the glass on the coffee table. "I gotta pee," he grumbled. After he left the room, Daniel refilled his glass again. He'd barely touched his own.

Jack came back and dropped into the chair. His eye fell on the full glass. "Are you trying to get me drunk?"

Daniel sipped his drink, but didn't meet his gaze. "If I said yes?"

Jack was taken aback. "Then I'd ask why..."

Daniel shrugged. "Sometimes things are easier to talk about when you're... relaxed."

" 'Things'?"

Daniel sat forward, leaning his forearms on his crossed knees and swirled the liquid in his glass. "We've known each other for what-eight years?"

"Yeah. I guess." His hackles never lied. Something was definitely up.

"I would venture to say that you're my best friend," Daniel said softly.

Jack wondered if he's been talking to Teal'c. For a big, burly guy, the Jaffa could go mushy with the best of them. "Back atcha."

"I wasn't digging for compliments," Daniel said, "But, thank you."

"What are you digging for, Daniel?"

Daniel took a deep breath and it out slowly. He took a sip of the whisky and let it roll around on his tongue before he swallowed it. Jack watched this, unable to drag his eyes away. Until the tongue came out. Daniel slowly licked the traces of Scotch off his lips in a gentle arc that sent an unfortunate spasm through O'Neil's gut that landed in his crotch. He closed his eyes to shut out the stimulus.

"I remember dying."

Whatever Jack had been expecting, it hadn't been this.

"I remember the lab. The explosion that killed the scientists. Hearing the whine of the device building up an overload. Shooting out the window. Jumping through. Landing on broken glass. Burning my hands. I knew at that moment that I would die." He looked up and met O'Neill's eyes. "And I thought of you."

Jack didn't speak. What could he say? Where was Daniel going with all this? He wanted to run. Leave, now. Go somewhere. Anywhere to not have to listen to whatever was coming next.

"I was mad."

Jack frowned. "At me?"

"At me."

"Hell, I was mad at you. Hammond was mad at you. Join the club. What the hell did you think you were doing? Those arrogant clot-heads didn't deserve to be saved from their own stupidity!"

"I didn't do it to save the arrogant clot-heads, Jack," Daniel said quietly. "I did it to save you."

"What?"

"I knew you were in the city. Half the population of the planet would've died from the resulting fallout, but I wasn't thinking about them when I did it. I was thinking of you."

"Well, you should've let it blow!" Jack snapped.

"I couldn't do that. Just like I couldn't blow up the submarine--"

"Why the hell not?" he yelled.

"I couldn't stand by and let you die-"

"What fucking difference did it make?" Jack bellowed, coming out of his chair. Daniel shook his head sadly. The older man covered the distance between them in a single stride. He pulled Daniel up off the couch with one terrible lurch, clutching both of his biceps painfully, his face mere inches from Daniel's. "What the hell did I have to live for with you dead again-"

Daniel made no attempt to get free, he just looked at Jack and only his eyes smiled. "I know. I love you too," he whispered.

"What?" Jack croaked. Gradually, he released his vise-like grip on the younger man, but he couldn't seem to move. He could feel Daniel's breath on his face. And when Daniel's hands cupped his cheeks, the fire in his crotch flared to a painful brilliance. He looked into Daniel's eyes and saw such naked love there that his knees almost buckled. The kiss seemed surreal and almost dreamlike until he felt Daniel's tongue slide between his lips. The stark, dangerous reality of what they were doing caused him to gasp and pull away. He moved back a step. His lips felt cold now, where Daniel's warm ones had been. His heart was pounding in his ears and his erection continued to strain against his tight jeans in an alarming way. For his best friend. "What was that?" he whispered through trembling lips.

Daniel's hopeful expression fell, and his eyes were heavy and filled with sadness. "That... was obviously a mistake, " he whispered. "I'm sorry." Daniel turned away and poured himself another drink and knocked it back in one smooth motion. It burned going down and that helped him control the tears that threatened to spill, humiliating him further.

"Daniel-" Jack finally found his voice, but it cracked with emotion.

"It's okay. You don't have to say anything. I'll file for a transfer in the morning."

"What? No. What'r'ya doing?" He scrubbed at his face, hoping to rub some of the dumb off. Why was nothing making any sense?

Daniel remained facing away, holding his empty glass. There was no point not telling him all of it. In for a penny, in for a pound, one of his foster mothers had always said. Once you've French-kissed your best friend and boss, there's really nowhere else to go... "I'm trying to make some sense of my wasted life," he said finally, desolation dripping from every word. "The mind doesn't decide whom the heart will love... On Kelowna, I was mad that I was going to die without ever telling you how I felt." He shook his head, enjoying the pleasant buzzing feeling that was starting to settle into his brain. He didn't have much of a tolerance for liquor, a couple more shots and he should be out like a light. He slumped to the couch and poured another, knocking it back like the first. He felt the couch dip when Jack's weight hit it, but he didn't respond. He closed his eyes and let the words come.

"I've been in love with you for a long time. When I started to remember stuff, that was the first thing that came back. My feelings for you. But you were all military. All business. All Colonel, all the time. I was confused. Then I started to remember other stuff. You called me-" his voice cracked and he waited a beat before continuing. The memory was so fresh it might've been yesterday and not seven years ago. ".....'Spacemonkey'. The way you held me when I was coming down from sarcophagus addiction. The balcony... I thought maybe you cared for me too and just hadn't admitted it to yourself..." He reached for the bottle and knocked his empty glass to the floor.

"You're done," Jack said softly, moving the bottle away.

"Not done," Daniel slurred, trying to reach the bottle that Jack was keeping just out of his reach. "Face isn't numb yet and I still seem to be conscious..." He lunged for the bottle and toppled off the couch, hitting his head on the coffee table.

"Shit," Jack muttered. He set the bottle back on the coffee table and pushed it away from the unconscious archeologist. He scooped Daniel up and took him into the bedroom, depositing him unceremoniously onto the enormous bed. He looked awfully young laying there all splayed out. Jack checked the bump on his head and pulled his eyelids open. Good. Just drunk off his ass and not in need of medical attention. He started to unbutton the shirt, to put him to bed, and then thought better of it. He pulled off his glasses and set them on the nightstand. Then he rolled Daniel closer to the middle of the bed and pulled the comforter up around him. He stood there, looking at the sleeping man for a long time. Then he returned to the living room and turned out all the lights and lay down on the couch. He wished he hadn't had so much to drink. He really needed his brain right now to make sense of this and it just wasn't coming together.

Daniel loved him. Was in love with him. Was there a difference? Sure. He loved all his kids. He tried hard not to play favorites. They all got on his nerves at times. And they all made him proud at times. But they didn't all die. Daniel died. More than once.

He remembered when Teal'c had been trapped in the wormhole buffer. They'd all worked to find a way to get him back in one piece. When he and Bra'tac had been ambushed during the meeting of the rebel leaders, there had been plenty of worry about whether or not the Tretonin would do the trick. Other times that Teal'c had been missing or captured or tortured... Concern. Worry. Work to fix it; try everything. But he hadn't felt fear.

When he'd had to shoot Carter to get the alien entity to leave her. She should've died. His fault. Regret. When Jolinar took her, apprehension, dread. When the armbands fell off and she was stuck behind the force shield... determination, anger; helplessness. Protection. But not fear.

When Daniel died-each time-fear. Of what? He rubbed his eyes and squeezed his temples hard. Fear of what?

Of losing him. Of being alone again.

Oh god.

If he was honest with himself --and this seemed like as good a time as any-he'd loved Daniel for a long, long time. He'd come to grips with it awhile back. Before the Kelowna thing. Reese, maybe. And then Daniel had died-ascended, and he'd buried it. Just good friends, sir. And then in Baal's cell, it had become more. Daniel came to him, his ethereal self, and stood his deathwatch, even as he'd stood watch for Daniel as he lay dying of radiation poisoning. He had looked so beautiful... Daniel had tried to talk him into letting go, not because he was really 'ascended-being' material, but because he couldn't bear to watch Jack be tortured to death anymore. The only thing that kept Jack sane was the fantasy that played in his head. Baal could take his life again and again, but he couldn't take away his thoughts. Feeling Daniel's lips on his own... Imagining their bodies pressed together... kissing him... tasting him.

Oh god.

He'd thought he'd been so careful... He had been. He'd lied to himself for so long and so well that when Daniel kissed him tonight, instead of rejoicing and falling into his arms he pushed him away. Straight, macho, stupid Jack O'Neill. Pushing away the one thing he wanted more than anything in the world.

He was suddenly, painfully, sober.

Ignoring the pounding in his head, he strode into the bedroom, kicking off his shoes as he went. Daniel was exactly where he'd left him, except he'd curled himself into a fetal position, a natural reaction to yet another of life's rejections. Jack lay on the bed and gently pulled the sleeping man up to his side. Instinctively, Daniel nestled his head on Jack's shoulder and spooned in to the warmth of another body. Jack thought he heard a sigh of contentment as he covered them and closed his eyes.

~~~

He had to pee something awful. But he knew he didn't want to leave sleep yet. He couldn't remember exactly why, but he remembered that unconscious was good. He tried not to wonder why he was avoiding consciousness, because he was afraid that too much wondering would chase away the sleepy and he really needed to stay asleep.

Except that he had to pee something awful. He shifted a little to change position so that there would be less pressure on his full bladder and he could fool himself into sleeping a little longer. Too late. All this goddamn thinking brought him far enough out of sleep to notice that he wasn't alone in his bed. The enormous bed he'd bought when he was sure he'd be able to find Sha're and bring her home. The bed he'd slept alone in ever since. Groggily, he lifted his head and scraped his forehead on Jack's stubbly chin.

All thoughts of sleep and pee disappeared instantly. His eyes flew open in shock as he pushed away from the still-sleeping form, taking absent notice of just how thoroughly he'd been sprawled across Jack. Their legs were intertwined and he could feel Jack's morning erection hard against his inner thigh. "Oh god..." he muttered.

The absence of warmth on his left side had initially broken through his sleep and then the muttered oath finished the job. Jack's eyes fluttered open, and he looked down at the terrified face hovering mere inches from his own. 'Don't screw this up, O'Neill,' he thought acidly. He smiled. As openly and non-threateningly as he could, given that his heart was pounding alarmingly in his chest. "Good morning," he whispered.

Daniel pulled back completely, his face a mask of fear and shock. He frowned, trying desperately to remember last night... He'd told Jack how he felt... he'd kissed him... risked their friendship in the desperate hope for something more. Jack had been horrified... Then, nothing. How... why....?

The look in Daniel's eyes spoke volumes. Jack needed to say something. He wanted to say something. He desperately wanted to reassure him. He wanted to confess. He wanted to apologize. He wanted to-kiss him.

"Come here," he whispered, pulling Daniel's head towards him. He claimed the younger man's lips with his own in a gentle, patient kiss. Daniel's lips remained closed and unyielding, and Jack knew without opening his eyes that Daniel's were open and afraid. He released the kiss, but not the head. "I'm sorry," he whispered, planting tiny kisses along Daniel's jaw line. Daniel wasn't swayed.

He pulled out of Jack's grasp, never taking his eyes off the older man's face. His body still bore the invisible imprint of having been pressed against Jack, and the loss of that contact was emotionally devastating. "What are you doing in my bed?" he asked coldly.

Jack thought it interesting that Daniel's focus was the bed, not the fact that his team leader had just kissed him. Not sure what to make of that. He'd always been told that he was a pretty good kisser. Maybe kissing guys was supposed to be different; how was he to know?

Jack stayed where he was, and tried to sound casual. "I thought I was invited last night. Did I misunderstand?"

Daniel turned away, but made no move to leave the bed. "The misunderstanding was mine. I thought-it doesn't matter what I thought."

"It matters to me."

Daniel turned his head to look at Jack who was still reclined on the bed. "Why?"

"Because you were right. I've loved you for a long time-"

"But not 'that way'..."

Jack smiled. "Oh yes. That way." He saw the crimson flush spread across Daniel's features, and found it completely endearing. His heart filled with some kind of huge, painful gladness that made him want to scream.

Daniel looked down at his hands. "You don't have to do this."

"Do what?"

"Humor me."

"Is that what you think I'm doing?"

"You might," Daniel said slowly. "If you thought I was suicidal again."

"Are you?"

Daniel shook his head. "No. I've been to death before. Not anxious to go back there."

"That's good." The silence stretched between them. Both men were afraid of saying the wrong thing. Of making assumptions. Of moving too fast. Or not at all. Each felt-knew-that this was some awful precipice that they were balanced on and the slightest movement would send them careening into or away from something that would be unchangeable, irretrievable, unalterable. Forever.

Brave Daniel had taken the desperate chance last night. It was up to Jack to be brave now. He sat up, closing the distance between them. He knew that Daniel would take Jack's rejection of him last night into himself. Internalize it so that Jack was blameless. Daniel was the most noble human being that Jack had ever met. He'd have to be careful not to chase him away by being too sure. He had to let himself be vulnerable. He'd have to let Daniel know he was willing to be vulnerable to him. He rested his hand on Daniel's knee just to have some physical contact. "I'm in love with you, Daniel Jackson. And at this moment, I don't really care who knows it. I can't lose you again. I'll hand in my resignation today if you say you'll forgive me for being an ass and let me love you till I die."

Daniel turned to look at Jack and found him completely open and unguarded. His expression was one of unqualified love. There was no guile or motive or pretense in his eyes. "Jack..."

Jack saw acceptance in Daniel's eyes and heard love in his voice. And it was a beginning. He took Daniel into his arms and pulled him back down onto him in a full-body kiss. Daniel participated fully and the kiss deepened until it engulfed them both.

Daniel ended the kiss, searching Jack's face for confirmation, and found tears flowing freely from his eyes. "What's wrong?" he whispered.

"God, I love you..." Jack whispered, his voice breaking. Daniel smiled, and leaned into another kiss. "Could you say that a few million more times, please?" he whispered into Jack's mouth.

Jack smiled and rolled them over on the big bed so that he was on top. "With pleasure. I love you," he kissed Daniel's nose. "I love you," he kissed his left eye. "I love you," he kissed his right eye. By now, Daniel was laughing. "I love you," he kissed his forehead. "I love you," he moved down a little and began nuzzling Daniel's neck, teeth and tongue and lips moving along skin parched for this kind of adoration.

"Jack-" Daniel gasped.

"What's the matter?" he panted. Jack's body was fully engaged in 'lovemaking mode' and the resultant blood loss to his brain was evident and dramatic. "Did I do something wrong?"

"On the contrary... but it presents certain um--problems..."

"Huh?"

"Well, not to get graphic in the middle of all this lovely romance, but, I've gotta pee like a sonofabitch and you're leaning on my bladder. Not to mention that now I've got a huge hard-on and probably won't be able to pee for a month---"

Jack chuckled and kissed him on the mouth. "Romance suspended. Permission to pee granted." He rolled off the younger man and Daniel escaped gratefully into the bathroom. Several minutes later, Jack heard a relieved sigh emanate from inside the adjoining bathroom. He smiled and left to use the bathroom in the hallway. When he came back, Daniel was standing forlornly in the bedroom. "Miss me?"

Daniel smiled sheepishly. "I thought maybe I'd dreamed... you know..."

Jack grinned and closed the space between them. Daniel was going to need a lot of reassurance before he could let himself believe that Jack had committed to him. Not a problem; Jack was more than willing to demonstrate over and over and over..... He took Daniel into his arms and kissed him thoroughly. He'd longed to do this for so many years, even he was a little amazed that it was finally happening. And he was pleased to find that Daniel's mouth was every bit as luscious as he'd fantasized it was. "I love you," he murmured against the warm lips. "And I'm sorry I wasted so much time pretending I didn't."

"It's alright... no pretending anymore," Daniel whispered.

Jack leaned his forehead on Daniel's and cleared his throat. "Now what?"

"What do you mean?"

"I-uh want to... love you," he was surprised at how shy he was feeling about this.

Daniel smiled. "Me too..."

Jack looked into Daniel's eyes. "I've never... you know..."

Daniel shrugged and smiled at Jack's obvious discomfiture at admitting his lack of experience. "Me neither."

Jack grinned, silently pleased that they were both virgins in this. "Cool. Wanna take a shower with me?"

"You scrub my back, I'll scrub yours?"

Jack cocked his head to one side. "Kinda." He started to unbutton his shirt, but Daniel's hand on his chest stopped him.

"Let me?" Daniel asked. Jack grinned and spread his arms in invitation. Daniel unbuttoned the shirt slowly, never taking his eyes off Jack's. When the last button came away, he glanced down at the bare chest, adorned only with dog tags. He slid his hands lightly over the fine chest hair, pushing the shirt slowly off Jack's shoulders, exposing his shoulders and collarbone. There had been times over the last several years, where being in the locker room with Jack had been an enormous contest of will for him, trying to keep it strictly business and not watching for a glimpse of skin he wasn't supposed to covet. Now, that skin was his to admire and touch and pet.

Jack let out a sigh at the deliciously erotic feel of Daniel's long, slender fingers as they cruised over his chest. Daniel brushed his nipple absently, and Jack shuddered. Daniel picked up on that and came back to the nipple, deliberately this time, watching Jack's eyes turn molten with desire. He grinned, pleased with having achieved a response so quickly. He pulled it gently and Jack gasped. He pulled both simultaneously, and Jack grabbed his wrists. "Bad?"

"NO! Good. Too good. Too soon." He swallowed hard, closing his eyes and trying to remember how many of the Avalanche had scored hat tricks this season. "I don't want to come too soon," he whispered.

Daniel smiled. He lifted Jack's chin, prompting the older man to open his eyes. "I've wanted to make love to you for two years. It's not too soon for me..."

"I'd at least like to wait till we're both naked, do you mind?"

"Then you start," Daniel said, opening his arms in supplication.

Jack grinned, shucking his own shirt completely off and letting it fall to the floor. He unbuttoned the shirt he'd been afraid to last night and scooped it off Daniel's arms in one swift movement, baring his chest completely. He'd known that Daniel had started working out with Teal'c, but hadn't let himself admire the results. Daniel's chest was broader, his waist thinner than the last time he'd let himself notice, and hard, masculine planes had replaced smooth adolescent curves. He pulled Daniel towards him and let their naked chests meet for the first time. "God, you feel so good," Jack muttered, letting his hands run up and down Daniel's shoulder blades and waist, loving the way Daniel's smooth warmth felt against him. He kissed him, hard this time, and Daniel returned as good as he got, pressing his hips against Jack, letting him feel how hard he was for him.

"There's more..." Daniel teased. "Don't you want to see how the rest of me feels?"

"Fuck, yes!" Jack said, voice rough with looming desire. He fumbled for Daniel's belt, found it and removed it as an obstacle. Trembling hands undid the clasp and lowered the zipper revealing that Daniel wore no underwear. A hard cock met him halfway, and Daniel closed his eyes and let his head fall backward as he concentrated all his focus on Jack's hand around his cock. Jack used his thumb to spread the slippery pre-cum around the sensitive head, and Daniel moaned.

Jack sank to his knees and took Daniel into his mouth. There was no thought, no decision, no insecurity about how. It was instinctive. Daniel gasped at this most intimate contact and held Jack's head still with both hands. He looked down at Jack, who looked back at him with pleading eyes, and who still held his throbbing cock in his warm mouth. The sight alone would've been enough to bring him off if he hadn't closed his eyes for control. "Don't move," he instructed. Jack complied, hoping he hadn't done anything wrong. "I wasn't expecting that..." Daniel explained, "... just yet."

Jack let Daniel's cock slowly slide from his mouth. As the head passed through his lips, Daniel gasped again. Jack grasped Daniel's hips, compelling the younger man to open his eyes. "Please," Jack whispered. "Let me do this...." Daniel didn't speak; he couldn't. "You know we're in the clear, Frazier pulls blood on us once a week. Please..." There was such need in the other man's eyes that there was really only one option. He nodded, and guided Jack's head back toward his cock.

He let his tongue travel in swirls around the circumference, knowing instinctively how that move would feel for the younger man. He felt Daniel's hips start to move involuntarily and he paced his movements accordingly, letting Daniel drive the rhythm. He tried to open his throat as much as he could in order to let Daniel have the deepest arc to thrust into. He knew Daniel was watching him, and he found that strangely exciting. He wanted to watch Daniel's face as he came, but couldn't figure out how to accomplish that without sacrificing oral contact. "Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh" Daniel started to pant, and Jack knew he was close. He kept the rhythm steady and soon, Daniel's cock twitched as he came, filling Jack's mouth with hot, bitter fluid. He held the cum in his mouth, not knowing what to do next. Sara had always swallowed, but... He wasn't sure he really wanted to do that... Not knowing a graceful way to spit it out, and not wanting that to seem like another rejection, he mentally braced himself and swallowed fast, willing himself not to retch as the bitterness coated his throat. Daniel stroked Jack's hair and smiled. "I love you..." he whispered.

Jack grinned, plopping down onto his butt to give his knees a rest. He was extremely pleased with himself. Daniel joined him on the floor, pushing his jeans completely off as he did so. "You're looking smug," Daniel said.

"Seems I did a decent job, for a beginner."

"Yes you did," Daniel agreed. "Are you going to let me reciprocate? I seem to be naked here, and you're still dressed."

"Whose fault is that?"

Daniel grinned and pushed the older man to the floor. He straddled him and Jack admired the tight abs that rippled above him. "God, you're beautiful," he murmured as Daniel slid him out of his jeans and boxers.

"So are you," Daniel said as O'Neill finally lay naked before him. He slid between Jack's legs and began to lick at his balls. This caused the already erect cock to bob to and fro in search of the warm wetness that would be Daniel's mouth. He pushed at the insistent organ with his face, kissing it tenderly along the heavy vein underneath.

He heard Jack gasp, "Daniel-"

"Not yet..." He sucked gently and pulled one testicle into his mouth, and then the other, alternating, scraping his teeth along the hairy surface. From the corner of his eye, he could see that Jack's hands were clenched up into tight fists. He let the balls go, and held them up with one hand while he nuzzled into the small patch of skin behind them.

"Fuck - Daniel!" Jack said through gritted teeth. He arched up off the floor, desperate with need.

"Shhh... I'm here, baby, come for me..." He took Jack's cock into his mouth and made swallowing motions with his tongue and throat, the way Sha're had always done to him. Jack could feel the head of his cock riding the contours of Daniel's palette over and over as he sped to orgasm. He tried hard not to thrust, but the sensations were so strong that he lost himself easily in the desire. His back arched as he started to flood Daniel's mouth with cum, struggling to keep from screaming at the intensity of it all. Ultimately, he failed and a low, guttural groan escaped as at last he was emptied. Daniel gently licked up every drop, careful not to touch the head in case Jack had the same post-orgasm sensitivity there as he did.

He slid up to rest his head on Jack's shoulder, in much the same position he'd awakened in-was it only just an hour ago? It seemed as if they'd been lovers their entire lives. Daniel felt more complete at this very moment than he had at any other time in his life. He stroked Jack's chest, rescuing the dog tags from the other side of his neck and planting them squarely in the middle of a nest of chest hair. He could feel Jack's heartbeat slowing and his breathing coming back to normal. He felt Jack kiss the top of his head, and he smiled. He reached behind him and pulled the blanket off the bed and covered them. Closing his eyes, he happily followed Jack into sleep.

~~~

"Weren't we supposed to be taking a shower?"

"There's time for that," Daniel said softly. He'd been awake for a little while, and was just enjoying laying in Jack's arms. He let his fingers roam across Jack's flat belly until they came into contact with his now-relaxed cock. "There's time for everything, now..."

"Mmmmm" Jack said, and the resulting rumble in his chest tickled Daniel's cheek. "Can you just... hold me?" Daniel asked softly.

"Love to," Jack said.

Daniel turned so that they were spooned, with Jack on the outside. "God, that feels so good," Daniel whispered, noting the slightly fuzzy feeling of Jack's chest hair tickling his back and he nestled into it. Jack kissed the back of his neck and splayed his fingers across the younger man's chest. Their legs were intertwined full length. They were as close as two people could get without being inside each other's skin. "I guess I'm pretty needy, huh?"

Jack smiled. "I read about a study once, where they took two groups of chimps away from their mothers at birth. One group was given all the food they needed, but no physical touching of any kind. The other group got loved and cuddled and touched and held as much as they wanted. The ones that grew up without the touching were smaller and introverted and frightened and had a shorter lifespan." He kissed Daniel's shoulder blade. "We all need to be touched, Danny. It's called skin hunger. I've got it too."

"Anthropology 101. I didn't know they covered that in Colonel school."

"They don't. It's a dad thing."

"You feel fatherly toward me?" Daniel asked.

"Uh-not exactly," Jack answered, moving his hips against Daniel's ass. "Protective might be a better word."

Daniel sighed. "That's good." He snuggled in more deeply. "It's been a long time..."

"Hmmm?"

"I haven't been with anyone since Sha're."

"That's a long time to go without being held. Not even Kira?"

"No. I never let it get that far."

"I was sure..."

"She made it clear that she wanted it, I just... wasn't ready. Have you?"

"What? Relationships or sex?"

It never occurred to Daniel that there was a difference. "Either. Both."

"Sara was my last attempt at a relationship." There was a long silence, while Jack thought how to phrase the next part. "Sex... once in a while. But it's not the same. Hookers don't want to put much effort into holding and quality time."

"You've paid for sex?"

"Yeah. So?"

"Since I've known you?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"I wish I'd've known. I would've held you..."

Jack grinned in the dark. "Right. So-Daniel, when you've finished that translation, how 'bout we snuggle down for a little while?"

"Jack... did you want to have sex with strangers?"

The older man was quiet for a while before he answered. When he did, his voice was soft, but there was a hard, sad edge to it. "No. You tell yourself that it'll just be the once. You'll get your rocks off and you can think straight again. But it doesn't work. The sex is cold. Flat. You end up feeling worse than when you went into it. It... takes something from you..."

"Like a sarcophagus."

"Good analogy."

"All those time you went fishing?"

"Not fishing."

"You'd ask Sam or Teal'c to go with your and they always turned you down."

"Yeah."

"You just wanted to be close to someone."

"I guess."

"Why didn't you ever ask me?"

"I did."

"Once. I was recovering from surgery. I would've gone..."

"That's what scared me; that you would've come. I didn't trust myself to be alone with you."

"So you never asked again."

"Couldn't risk it." When Daniel didn't reply, he nudged the younger man's shoulder with his chin. "No morality lecture about paying for sex?"

Daniel was silent for a moment, then said softly, "I'm not really in any position to pass judgment about that."

Jack was shocked and it came through in his voice. "You?" His beautiful archeologist who could've had any one of several dozen women at the base and more than a few of the men, all for the batting of those gorgeous blue eyes.

"Once. I didn't go looking for it. I was at a museum... I was naïve, I guess. A woman came up to me a we started talking. We seemed to have a lot in common. After a while, she suggested we go to her place. When we got there, she talked about the money. I was embarrassed... I asked her if we could talk or maybe just lay together... She said it didn't matter much to her, the price was the same; it was her time that was the issue. She tried... to help me... but I couldn't..."

Jack tightened his grip on Daniel, hurting for him. "How long ago was that?"

"I dunno. Six or seven years ago. A couple of months after Hathor."

"I'm so sorry, Danny, I knew you were hurting, but I didn't know what to do. Society doesn't give men many avenues to comfort each other. Men are always told that they're not supposed to let stuff affect them."

"That's what my second foster father told me."

"How old were you?""Nine. Maybe nine and a half."

Silently, the older man swore. How had Daniel ended up so well-adjusted with the bad start he'd had? He vowed to himself that he'd make up for all the holding Daniel never got as a child. And more. He sighed, completely content as never before. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure." When there was no question forthcoming, Daniel turned around in Jack's arms and slid up onto his elbow. "What?"

Jack rested his free forearm across his eyes. "I don't want to be, y'know, pushy or anything..."

Daniel frowned. "What's bothering you?"

"Nothing, I just...."

"Jack, look at me." Reluctantly, Jack came out from under his protective arm. Daniel smiled. "Talk."

"It's dumb. Forget it-"

In a movement so swift and unexpected that Jack was taken off guard, Daniel was straddling him, his wrists pinned to the floor. "Whoa, Danny! Where'd you learn that?"

"If you must know, Sha're," he said softly. "Now talk."

Jack winced. "You're bending my, um-" Daniel shifted slightly, but it was enough. Jack reversed their positions, and now straddled Daniel, pinning him securely to the floor. "Two can play that game," he grinned, bending to lick Daniel's chest in triumph.

Daniel struggled just a little, but didn't really want to get away. He arched his back to bring his chest closer to Jack's mouth. Jack took the hint and pulled a puckered nipple into his mouth and pressed it between his tongue and teeth, rolling it back and forth while Daniel writhed beneath him. "Harder," Daniel whispered. Jack complied, rolling and sucking and biting gently. At the same time, he stroked his belly across Daniel's erect cock, trapping it between their bodies. His own erection bumped against the younger man's thigh, eager for another go. "I want you... " Daniel moaned. "Oh god, Jack, I want you..."

"What do you want, Danny... Teach me how to please you..."

Their eyes met, and Jack almost fell into the yawning desire he saw in Daniel's impossibly blue eyes. "Do you want to... be inside me?" Daniel whispered.

"Fuck, yes," Jack breathed. "But don't we need, y'know..."

"In the nightstand."

"Which one?"

"Both."

Jack grinned. "Boy do you plan ahead!" Still straddling Daniel, he reached over him to open the drawer of the closest one. He felt Daniel's fingers ripple across his ribs as he did so. He pulled out the tube of lubricant. He uncapped it, but wasn't sure what to do next. "Does this go on me, or in you?"

"According to my research-"

Jack grinned again. "Research?"

"Do you want to discuss the finer points of research or do you want to fuck me?"

"I love it when you talk dirty..." Jack whispered, smiling. "What's next?"

"Squirt some on your finger."

"Which one?"

"The long one."

Jack complied. "Let me guess..." he moved between Daniel's legs and gently started to probe the sensitive opening. He noticed Daniel close his eyes and take a deep breath, opening his hands as he did so. At the same time, Jack could feel the sphincter starting to relax. Slowly, he inserted the tip of his index finger into Daniel's body.

"Ahhhhh..." Daniel breathed. Jack moved the finger in and out a few times, but never out all the way. Daniel moaned softly, eyes still closed. "Press down... yes, like that... Mmmm. Another." Jack pulled the finger nearly all the way out and sent his index finger in beside it. Daniel arched his back. "Oh... gahd..."

Jack kept his fingers moving slowly inside Daniel. Watching the younger man's face was terribly erotic; he tried not to think about what he was actually doing to his best friend.

"Another," Daniel commanded.

"Are you sure, Danny?"

"I've seen your cock, Jack. I'm sure." Jack couldn't decide whether he should be flattered or offended, but complied anyway, driving three fingers into Daniel's ass. "Oh...oh...oh-stop for a minute. No- don't leave!"

"I'm not leaving, Danny. I'm right here. Tell me what you want..."

"Turn your hand around, palm up." Jack complied. "Now, slowly, aim for my pubic bone. Push just a little... more.... " Daniel opened his legs wider, encouraging Jack to push further into his body. Suddenly, Daniel spasmed, coming off the bed like he'd been hit with the paddles of Janet's crash cart. Jack stopped, scared that he'd hurt Daniel. "Again!" Daniel commanded.

"Danny, no-"

"It doesn't hurt, Jack," he gasped. "It's great! Do it again, I want you to feel it."

"Feel what?"

"Push again... more... there!" the cords in his neck popped out with strain. "Oh god, can you feel that protrusion?" he gasped. Jack nodded, flicking it again with his finger. "Shit-yeah, that."

"What is that?"

"Prostate," Daniel smiled, pulling Jack's hand out of his ass and wrapping his legs around Jack's back. "That's your target." He pulled Jack's face down for a deep kiss. "Fuck me Jack," he breathed.

Jack smiled. He'd never realized what a mouth Daniel had on him. He centered himself as Daniel raised both his legs and gently prodded the opening with his cock. "It's okay, you've opened me, I'm ready to take you," Jack pushed and slid into Daniel easily. He was at once overcome by the heat and tightness; much tighter than any woman he'd ever been with. The friction was unbelievable.

"God, Danny... I'm inside you!"

"I know... I can feel your cock inside me, joining us." He looked up into Jack's face and saw tears in his eyes. "What's the matter?"

Jack shook his head. "I just love you so much, Danny..."

Daniel smiled. "I love it when you call me 'Danny'..." he whispered. He started to move his hips a little, to get Jack moving.

Jack picked up the rhythm and started thrusting, his dog tags swinging along in time. It'd been so long since he'd been with someone, that he'd forgotten to take them off. "Danny-tags." Daniel pulled them off over Jack's head and put them on over his own. Jack didn't bother asking why. It was immediately clear that he wasn't going to be able to last very long. "I don't know how long I can-"

"Don't hold back, fuck me!"

Jack set his shoulders into it and drove it home. He tried to thrust in the general direction of Daniel's prostate and hoped it got it right. He felt the orgasm build in his toes and move up his body. "Oh... my... god...." he said through clenched teeth as he came.

Daniel could feel the heat of Jack's cum inside him, and the way Jack's cock bumped his prostate was completely delicious. A few more strokes of Jack's belly on his cock and he came as well, gluing them together with semen and sweat.

Jack stopped thrusting when he felt Daniel come and let his head fall to the younger man's shoulder. Daniel pushed at Jack's elbows, collapsing O'Neill on top of him. "It's okay," he reassured his lover, "I can take your weight."

Jack just lay there, completely spent by his second mind-shattering orgasm in some astoundingly short quantity of time. "Why... why... why..." he murmured into Daniel's neck.

"Why what?" Daniel asked, stroking Jack's back and ass absently.

Jack raised himself up a little so he could look at Daniel. "Why didn't we do this sooner?"

Daniel smiled and kissed him sweetly. "You can't think of it that way. Be glad we're here now. I don't think we would've been ready for it any sooner than this, do you? Honestly?"

"Probably not," he agreed. He felt his cock soften and slip out of Daniel, and found that it made him sad. He shifted off his lover a little and laid his head on the younger man's chest. "That was incredible!"

"Yes it was."

"Did it hurt when I... y'know..."

"It was a little... intense at first, but then it was just pure pleasure."

"Are you sure you've never done this before?"

"Never. You're the first."

"Wow..."

"Repeat after me; research is good..."

Jack smiled. "Research is good..."

"My turn next time?" Daniel asked.

"Mmmmm," Jack murmured, toying with his dog tags where they rested on Daniel's smooth chest.

"Think we should take that shower now?"

"In a few minutes..."

"Want to tell me what's bothering you?" He could feel Jack tense up in his arms. "I felt that," he said stonily. He lifted Jack's chin up so he could look into the dark eyes. "You can fuck me senseless, but you can't trust me with your feelings and insecurities?"

"I didn't say I was insecure..."

"You didn't have to."

"Did they teach you to read minds in the Ascension Academy?"

Daniel frowned. "Eight years, Jack. You think I don't know you?"

"You have a point," he admitted. "What do we call this... thing... we seem to have?"

Daniel frowned. "I'd like to think it's the beginning of a fantastic relationship. What do you want to call it?"

"So there's definitely an 'us'?"

"It was certainly my intention that there be an 'us'. Was this not your understanding as well?"

"You talk like the Asgard sometimes, you know that?"

"Ja-ck..."

"Sorry. I guess that's what I was... wondering about. Whether or not there was an 'us'. If I'm going to give up my career, I want us to be for keeps. Y'know, exclusive. That this wasn't just- really hot sex..."

"Do you think that I would risk losing our friendship for just casual sex?"

"No. I told you it was dumb."

"It's not dumb. You wanted to hear the commitment spoken aloud," he surmised. Jack shrugged. "You're right. I should've thought of that. I guess I was so wrapped up in finally having my dream-"

"I'm your dream?"

Daniel frowned. "Yeah... weird, huh?" Before Jack could process that, Daniel continued. "I have every intention of living out the rest of my life with you, if you'll have me."

Jack looked back up at Daniel. "Wow."

"Eloquent, as usual, but not terribly informative. Was that yes?"

Jack smiled. "Yes. Oh, yes..." They kissed then, to seal the commitment.

~~~

It was after the shower that the rest of the conversation finally caught up with Daniel. They were in the kitchen, scrounging up breakfast. "Give up your career? Who said you had to do that?"

Jack grinned. These non-sequitirs were part of what made Daniel so adorable. "I gave up my career the minute I climbed into your bed, Daniel. I did it knowingly, and very, very willingly." He stirred sugar into his coffee and sat at the table in the dining room.

"Why?"

"Why?" Jack smiled again. "Because you're everything to me."

Daniel smiled, so in love he thought he would burst. "No, I mean why does loving me mean you have to give up your career?"

Jack sipped the coffee and considered the question. It wasn't really a simple issue. "They passed a law a couple of administrations ago that basically said if you were in the military, you could have a same-sex relationship, but you had to be quiet about it. 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Pursue, Don't Harass.' If they find out about us before my paperwork goes through, not only won't I get my pension, but I'll be dishonorably discharged, maybe even court-martialed."

Daniel sank into the chair next to Jack. "Why?"

" 'Conduct unbecoming an officer and a gentleman'," he replied, quoting the regulation. "Covers sex with subordinate officers of any gender. Although, I guess we could probably make a case for you not being technically a subordinate since you're civilian. But I bet they could make the 'hostile work environment' part stick." He glanced over the top of his coffee cup at his lover. "I could get a year in the brig for loving you."

Daniel searched Jack's face. " 'Hostile work environment'?"

"That I used my position of influence as your CO to make you have sex with me.""I'll tell them it's not true-"

"It doesn't matter. It won't come to that. Look, Daniel, I'm only talking about a couple of weeks. I'll put the paperwork in first thing tomorrow morning--"

Daniel got up and started setting out bowls and spoons for cereal. Jack could tell by the set of his shoulders that there was something else bothering him. He came up behind Daniel and captured him in a bear hug, nuzzling his neck. "What?"

"I'm afraid..."

Jack really admired the way Daniel could talk about his feelings without feeling self-conscious or weak. If only he didn't have all these feelings of insecurity....it was something he'd have to work on helping Daniel overcome. He needed to know he was worthy of being loved. "Of what?"

"Losing you. That you'll change your mind..."

Jack turned the younger man around, and tipped his chin up to make Daniel meet his eyes. "Never. I've wasted too much time and lost you too many times to give you up now. I'm afraid you're stuck with me, Doctor Jackson." He kissed him then, very gently, lips barely touching, mere butterfly wings against the other man's mouth, and yet the heat generated by that simple touch was enough to stoke the fire of passions too-long denied. Jack pulled back slightly and his voice was thick was desire. "Besides, do you think I can act normally around you any more? Now that I've been inside you?"

"Jack-" the younger man whispered, aroused in spite of himself.

"Everyone will know we're lovers the minute they see us together, Daniel. How're we gonna hide this?" He claimed Daniel's mouth again, hard this time, as he pressed him up against the counter and ground his hips against him.

Daniel melted into the embrace and let Jack devour his mouth. Last night, when he'd opened the door and let Jack into his home, he'd only had the faintest hope that his feelings would be returned. Now, Jack was telling him they'd have a lifetime to love each other. "I love you so much, Jack," Daniel whispered while Jack concentrated on finding all the shivery places on his neck. "But I don't want to be the reason you lose your career-"

"...have to talk about this now?" Jack muttered into his neck.

Daniel pulled himself together and pushed Jack gently away. "Yes. It's important."

Jack looked slightly irritated and more than a little frustrated. "Daniel..."

"Jack - we can find away to have both. We have to."

Jack, now resigned to having his libido put on hold, looked at the younger man patiently. He thought he'd explained this... "Daniel... it's the law. I can't change it, I don't even disagree with it."

"What? You can't tell me that you subscribe to that kind of narrow-minded crap! Not any more-"

"Look, Daniel, this isn't about me. Or you. Or even us. This is about the military machine. Period." Daniel was still looking at him in disbelief. "Do you think this is easy for me?" he snapped, raising his voice. "Do you have the slightest idea how this is screwing with my mind? I can know that you and I are meant to be together. To feel that with every fiber of my being. But if I step back and think about what I'm doing-with another man, with my best friend, it freaks me out. It goes against everything I've ever known or believed!"

"How can you make love to me one minute and deny me the next?" Daniel asked, his expression incredulous.

"I don't want to deny you, Daniel, that's why I'm resigning! I want us to be able to live openly. But I want to be smart about it. I've given this country almost thirty years of my life-not to mention my knees-I deserve my pension-"

"Is this about your pension, Jack, or your macho reputation?"

"What?"

"Forget it-"

Daniel turned to leave the kitchen, but Jack caught his arm and spun him around. "Explain that!"

"It seems self-explanatory to me," Daniel said tightly, pulling his arm away.

"Daniel-"

"Sorry if I freak you out, Jack," Daniel said just before he slammed the bedroom door.

Jack stood there, in Daniel's kitchen, completely astounded at what had just happened. Weren't they just making out? Was this their first fight? What was it even about? He tried to rewind the conversation to figure out where it had gone wrong, but couldn't make any sense of it. He debated whether or not to pursue Daniel into the bedroom. That had always been an issue between him and Sara. Did 'leave me alone' mean 'leave me alone' or 'be persistent and come after me'? He'd never been really good at figuring that out.

He went to the bedroom door and leaned his forehead against it, hoping he'd hear something from the other side that would tell him what to do. Nothing. He touched the door with his fingers as if he could reach through it to the man inside, and then he turned quietly and left Daniel's home.

In the bedroom, Daniel sat in the center of the bed they'd shared only hours ago. How could he have been so blind? Why did he think Jack could love him? Obviously Jack welcomed the easy sex with a more than willing partner, but he was a fool to think that it could ever have been more. In his head, he heard Jack's voice over and over...'If I think about what I'm doing-with another man... with my best friend... it freaks me out!'

It had been a gamble, he had known that going in, but he'd never dreamed it could have gone so horribly wrong so quickly. If it had stayed with Jack's rejection of him last night, he could've transferred to another SG team and probably managed to steer completely clear of Jack without too much trouble. Now that they'd been lovers-had sex, he corrected himself bitterly-- he wasn't sure if simply transferring to another team would be enough. Maybe it was time to get his hands dirty again. It shouldn't be too hard to find a small dig in Africa where he could be anonymous for awhile. Forever, maybe.

~~~

Jack drove. Nowhere in particular and much too fast. The cell phone ringing brought him out of the trance he'd been in since he'd left Daniel's house. "O'Neill."

"SGC switchboard, Colonel. General Hammond has recalled SG-1, code red. Confirm."

"Code Red confirmed. O'Neill out." He knew the switchboard was even now recalling the other three members of his team. "Shit." He executed a flawless, at-speed U-turn and headed back to the base. "Shit." He hadn't figured out how to fix the fight with Daniel yet and now this. Hell, he hadn't even figured out what the goddamn fight had been about yet. "Shit."

~~~

He'd thought about trying to get out of the duty call, but he simply wasn't able to think fast enough to formulate a convincing lie. He drove to the mountain wondering more about how he was going to handle the locker room than what the code red was about. He had a couple of choices. He could act like nothing ever happened between them; complete denial. Or he could take the aggressive route and act like he'd used Jack and that it had meant nothing at all to him. He wasn't sure he could pull either of these off without either crying or punching Jack's lights out.

He was grateful that he had the elevator to himself. Small talk was not going to be possible with all that he had rattling around in his head right now. He went straight to the briefing room. The rest of SG-1 was already there. He took the open seat next to Sam and deliberately avoided Jack's eyes. He could feel the older man's gaze burning a hole into the side of his head, but he steadfastly ignored it. He was working so hard to ignore Jack that he heard virtually nothing of what went on in the briefing. Hammond rattled on about some such something or other SG-15 had found on some planet somewhere and he frankly couldn't give a damn!

Hammond dismissed them and everyone made off the locker rooms to gear up. Whatever the deal was, there was apparently a hurry to get there, so there wasn't a lot of conversation, which helped. He followed Jack and Teal'c into the locker room and turned his back to them and began to strip. He moved on autopilot, trying not to notice anyone or anything around him. Teal'c was ready first-he usually was-and headed for the armory, leaving him alone with Jack. The only saving grace was the sound of the showers running in the back. That meant that there was at least one other person in the locker room which should protect him from-

"Daniel, we need to talk."

Daniel jerked his head toward the sound of the other occupant. "Not now." He slammed the locker door closed and left the locker room without another word.

~~~

SG-15's archeologist was new. That was the only explanation for the rush to get here. The woman was busy showing her find to Daniel and being very animated about it. A lot of stone slabs with chicken-scratches on them. Or it seemed that way to O'Neill. Of course anything that kept him from fixing this mess with Daniel was going to get short-shrift at the moment, and he could feel his patience wearing thinner and thinner by the minute.

He'd sent the rest of SG-15 on a wide-perimeter patrol mostly just to get rid of them. He and Teal'c had been doing the stand-around-and-watch-their-backs thing for more than two hours while Daniel and Carter checked out the ruins. God, he was such an idiot. Why didn't he have a five-second delay built into his mouth? Now that he'd had time to think about it, he knew what had happened and why Daniel was hurt. All he needed was five minutes alone with him to apologize and make it better. Daniel was a stubborn man; maybe ten minutes. And if the apology went really well...

Giggling.

Across the grassy circle, SG-15's archeologist-what the hell was her name?-was giggling. Wasn't there a regulation somewhere that forbade giggling off-world? Garrett-that was her name-was pointing to a line of chicken-scratch and saying something. Daniel was reaching over her to point to another line of chicken-scratch and shaking his head. He was laughing too. They were having a great time. Fun with chicken-scratches. He watched Daniel unclip his pack and pull out a textbook. He watched them squat together in the ruins comparing the book to the glyphs on the obelisk and realized-not for the first time-that he was out of Daniel's academic league.

Carter spared him further devolution into self-pity plopping down next to him. "Anything?" he asked her, not taking his eyes off Daniel and Lieutenant Garrett.

"No sir. The faint energy readings I was getting when we first got here have disappeared."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

"And the reason Major Curtis decided this was a code red situation is...?"

"Completely beyond me, sir."

Jack nodded. "What's Daniel got?"

"You mean besides an archeology groupie?" Jack shot her a withering glance. "Sorry, sir. I don't know. You'd have to ask him. I'll take Teal'c and check that outcropping sir, see what we can see beyond it." And with that, she beat a hasty retreat.

He watched Carter leave, and tried to figure out how he was going to wrestle Daniel away from Lieutenant Groupie-Garrett-he corrected himself, with enough privacy to try and fix things before they got too much more screwed up.

He strolled-he tried to stroll, to look unhurried and without agenda-toward the eggheads as they crouched together in the shade of the stone slabs. "Hey, kids, wha'd'ya' got?"

Daniel must've heard him coming, he'd made no effort to be stealthy, but he didn't even look up from the text he was consulting. "Cindy may have found a more recent example of Ancient writing than we've ever seen before." He glanced over at her eager face and smiled his approval. "Good call, Cindy."

'Cindy'? Jack thought acidly. Daniel was flirting with her. Deliberately. Flagrantly. Something Jack had never seen the archeologist do before. Daniel had admirers and he had always been shyly aware of them, but Jack had never seen him act on it. Until now. Mere hours from their becoming lovers. It was a deliberate, calculated betrayal, designed to put Jack in his place.

That was it, then. Daniel had admitted to intentionally setting out to get Jack drunk last night. In his own clumsy, backhanded way, Daniel had seduced him. Tricked him into exposing his feelings. Being vulnerable. Jack realized with a sudden icy chill in his gut that he'd handed Daniel the weapon with which to do him in. One word from Daniel to Hammond and it was all over but the prison-time. He didn't think that Daniel had initially set out to hurt him, but the unfortunate fact was that he'd hurt Daniel bad, and now Daniel had all the cards. The question was, how would he play them?

"Cool. Daniel... a word?"

"I really need to help Cindy with this translation-"

"Daniel..."

The archeologist sighed. He didn't want to talk to Jack, or more importantly, he didn't want to listen to him. But the fact was, he couldn't really refuse to follow a direct order in front of a junior officer. That kind of thing never went over well with the military types. "Why don't you take this," he said, handing her the text, "And start to work on this obelisk, okay?" She nodded and watched them walk away, opposite from the direction that Teal'c and Carter had gone.

The walked on for a bit in silence and then Daniel came to a stop, arms crossed defiantly. Jack walked on a couple of paces and then stopped, but didn't turn around.

"What?" Daniel said curtly.

Jack shook his head, marveling at the irony of it all. Twelve hours ago, his life had completely turned around. He was giddy in love and looking forward to retirement at the cabin with Daniel in his arms. Now, he was nearly as low as he'd been after Charlie... and facing a court martial.

"Okay, Daniel. I get it," he said tiredly, his voice laced with disappointment and sadness. "Whatever you want."

"Excuse me?" Daniel had expected an entirely different kind of lecture.

"You can knock off the show with the groupie. I got the message."

"I don't know what you're talking about-" Daniel said innocently. In truth, he was laying it on a bit thick with the lieutenant, but the opportunity had presented itself and he was hurt and he wanted to strike back. It was petty and small, but somehow it eased the pain in his heart a little to see that Jack was hurting too.

"The hell you don't," Jack snapped, turning around finally. He took a deep, cleansing breath and let it out, squaring his shoulders and attempting a more neutral body language for the benefit of anyone watching. "You want to play house with Lieutenant Garrett, fine. But do it on your own time," the last, bit off between clenched teeth.

Daniel smiled, but there was ice in his eyes. His voice was even and low. Almost threatening. "It's odd, Jack, that seeing a man and a woman innocently enjoying each other's company should 'freak you out' this way..."

His deliberate use of the phrase Jack had used to hurt him wasn't lost on the older man. "You son of a bitch..." Jack muttered under his breath. They stared at each other for what seemed like a very long time. "You and Lieutenant Garrett have six hours to get what you need and then we're outta here."

Daniel smiled again and shook his head. "If this is as big a find as I suspect it is, then we're going to be here for quite some time, I should think," Daniel replied lightly, as he turned and walked casually back to the stone circle.

Jack watched him walk away, resisting the urge to run after him. Truth be told, he couldn't really say what he'd do if he did; beg his forgiveness or beat that sanctimonious smirk off his face.

~~~

The six hour window was gone. SG-15 had returned with nothing interesting within twenty clicks of the circle. Six UAVs had found no signs of life and nothing of any geological or technological interest within two hundred clicks in any direction of the gate. Daniel's time was up.

"Report, Doctor Jackson," Jack said, all business.

If Daniel even noticed the formal address, he gave no indication. He'd gotten into the possibilities of the artifacts and had slipped into geek-mode. "This is definitely an outcropping of potentially Ancient design, probably for ceremonial purposes, I'm not sure yet." He gestured at several of the obelisks. "These appear to be some derivation of Ancient," he gestured to the outside ring of stones, "These, are... something else. Similar to Phoenician, but... different..."

"And?"

Daniel looked at Jack and shrugged. "You're asking me to guess what all this means and I've barely even scratched the surface. We're going to need more time--"

"SG-1 is a first-contact team. Time we don't got," Jack snapped. He turned to the rest of his team. "Carter, get back to the gate and dial us home. We'll report in to Hammond; he'll want to send the Geek-squad in for a potentially long-term study. We'll send SG-3 back with the Dig Team to set up a base of operations and security. Teal'c, stay here with Daniel and Garrett until they get here and get set up."

"Yes, sir."

"Understood."

He turned and started walking back toward the gate. Daniel jumped up from where he'd been kneeling beside one of the obelisks.

"Jack--"

Jack glanced at Daniel tiredly. Retirement was sounding like a really, really good idea about now. "Yeah?"

"This might be important... I think you--SG-1 should stay."

Jack glanced over Daniel's shoulder to the pink lieutenant kneeling in the dirt. "Oh, I don't know; looks like you're in pretty good hands here..." And he turned to leave.

~~~

He'd practically begged Hammond to send the remaining members of SG-1 on some simple MALP follow-ups, but in his own infinitely wise way, the General had elected to give SG-1 downtime for the next two weeks while Daniel continued his research on the planet. As usual, Teal'c had headed straight for the planet where Bra'tac and Ry'ac hung out. Carter had been ecstatic to go home and tinker with her Harley. All of which left Jack to go... fishing.

The flight to Minnesota and drive to the cabin had been long and boring. He was still toying with the idea of diverting to St. Paul long enough to get laid first, but his heart-and for once his dick--wasn't really in it. Ironic, he thought to himself. In one weak moment, he'd fallen in love with his best friend and completely lost the desire to fuck women.

He dropped the rented jeep into park in what passed for the driveway, but didn't bother to get out of the vehicle. He let his head drop back against the headrest and closed his eyes. He could still see Daniel's lithe body moving above him as the younger man brought him to climax with his mouth... his incredibly sensuous mouth... the same incredibly sensuous mouth he was probably, even now, using on Lieutenant Groupie...

"Shit." He thought again about retirement, but that would leave even more time to sit and think about the life he'd almost had... And time could be such a bitch, he knew that first hand. Ultimately, he decided to wait and see what Daniel would do. Hopefully-hopefully?-he'd get his rocks off with the groupie, and forget about how pissed off he was at Jack and transfer off SG-1. Jack hated to think of living with the threat of exposure hanging over his head, but the alternative was... no longer something he had the balls to do. Now, if a mission went bad and some pissed-off Gould ribboned him to death, so much the better...

Judging by the way his heart was pounding in his chest, he'd fallen asleep. The cell phone's insolent chirping brought him instantly awake; he'd forgotten to leave it at the mountain. "O'Neill," he barked.

"Jack?" Daniel's voice. Jack's heart skipped a beat and then sank immediately into the pit of his stomach.

"Yeah?"

"General Hammond told me you'd gone--ah... fishing..."

"Yeah? So? Aren't you supposed to be fishing-I'm sorry-translating, on PXQ-R2D2?"

"P4C-926," Daniel corrected.

Jack didn't bother to play along. "What do you want, Daniel?"

"I came back to the SGC to let you guys know that those energy readings are back and stronger than ever. Hammond's recalling SG-1 to check it out."

Jack snorted. "Sorry, I'm on vacation." Last thing he wanted was to be off-world watching Daniel and some googly-eyed archeology groupie play kissey-face.

"Jack-"

"Look-I know when I've been beaten. You've got me by the balls, Daniel; it's your call. Do it or don't, but get off my back." He snapped off the cell phone and got out of the jeep. He yanked out the battery and threw it as far as his arthritic shoulder would let him in the general vicinity of the lake. He threw the gutted phone onto the floorboard of the vehicle and slammed the door. Well, he thought grimly. That's that.

Daniel stared at his cell phone for a really long time, Jack's words ringing in his ears. 'I know when I've been beaten. You've got me by the balls, Daniel; it's your call. Do it or don't, but get off my back.' He frowned, trying to make sense of it, but nothing would come. He sat in his office and tried hard to think of what to do now. If he told Hammond that Jack refused to come back, Jack would technically be AWOL.

He knew he was needed back on the planet. He was in charge of the Dig Team and as such, it was his responsibility to supervise the personnel with regard to the archeological excavations. But the sudden re-appearance of the energy readings were both curious and troubling. Both he and Sam suspected that the Dig had been the cause of it and the entire operation had been suspended until SG-1 could give the all-clear.

Daniel wondered if Hammond, unable to get in touch with Jack, would scrub SG-1 and send in another SG unit for the sake of expediency, or if he would send someone to track Jack down... Daniel guessed it would be the latter. And anyone Hammond sent after Jack would probably get the same answer Daniel had gotten; refusal. Or would they?

'You've got me by the balls, Daniel; it's your call.' What did that mean? Daniel knew he'd hurt Jack by flirting with Garrett. It had felt good at the time, but he felt bad about it now. 'You've got me by the balls, Daniel; it's your call.' No, Garrett wasn't it. "Got him by the balls," he whispered out loud. "What the hell does that-"

And then it hit him. Conduct unbecoming. Jack thought that he would tell Hammond that Jack had used his position to force him into sex. He was immediately infuriated that Jack would think he'd stoop that low and then just as suddenly ashamed.

It honestly hadn't occurred to Daniel to use their-encounter-to hurt the older man, but he'd thought much the same about Jack right after their argument. That Jack would use their intimacy to make life difficult for him at the SGC; make it so he'd be so ashamed and humiliated that he'd have to leave.

He put his head down on his folded arms and let regret fill him. If he'd left well enough alone, they'd still be friends. If he hadn't melted into Jack's arms as soon as the older man had pierced his heart with those smoldering brown eyes... If he hadn't pushed Jack about keeping his career, they'd be together at the cabin in Minnesota. Fishing.

He had to be the one to go get Jack.

~~~

Leaving the rented sedan parked alongside the barely passable gravel road, Daniel strode across the un-mowed field and cautiously approached the pier, casting his eyes left and right and then behind him quickly, making a TLA just as Jack had taught him. He'd been so naïve and inept in the ways of the military eight years ago; Threat Level Assessments had not even been in his vocabulary. It was Jack's native language, however, and the Colonel lived it fluently.

"That's far enough."

The dangerous edge to Jack's voice did not go unnoticed by the younger man, and he stopped in his tracks. "Ja-ck..." Daniel tried to interject as much warmth into the one-syllable word as he possibly could. Even so, he watched the older man's back go rigid. He didn't even turn around.

"I thought I told you to get off my back," he said bitterly. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Pursue, Don't Harass." Jack enunciated the last two words deliberately.

That hurt. He guessed he deserved that one. "We need to talk."

There was a long pause with zero body movement on either of their part. Daniel didn't even see Jack's eyes blink. There didn't seem to be a single sound for miles. "Ya think?"

It was an invitation. Of sorts. "Obviously not lately," he muttered. Daniel moved to sit on the pier next to Jack's chair; they said nothing for a very long time.

"So talk."

"I feel like I should ask you if you're armed, first," he said lightly, attempting to break the ice.

"I am." Jack's eyes never left the end of his pole, as if the little red and white bobber was the only thing worth looking at in the entire hemisphere.

He'd been kidding when he asked. Looking for a conversation starter. He swallowed hard, visions of potential newspaper headlines streaming through his consciousness... "Do you want to shoot me?" he whispered.

"Sometimes."

Daniel thought about that for a moment before responding. He squinted out across the lake. The sun would be down in a short time. The dampness of the evening air, cooling now, settled on his skin like a clammy hand. "Feel like shooting me now?"

"Depends."

Daniel had deliberately not tried to think of things to say to Jack on the plane on the way here. He didn't want anything to sound forced or scripted. Of course, when he'd asked Jack if he was armed, he had been mostly kidding... "On what?"

"On why you're here."

Now, he wished he'd let himself make a short list of topics, opening lines, clichés. Something. Because his brain had suddenly... just... stopped. He quit trying to think of something clever or amusing and simply said what was in his heart. "I'm here... because I love you."

"Wrong thing," Jack said, pushing the fishing rod off his lap and towering over the still-seated man. The deck chair and the fishing rod toppled into the lake, but neither man noticed them. Jack's face was a mask of fury and his eyes were black with rage.

Daniel made no move to leave or to protect himself when Jack yanked him up off the deck by his shirt. A slight tremor of déjà vu ran through him, as it must have in Jack, for as soon as their eyes met, the rage was gone, and all that remained was a face lined with grief and eyes that bore evidence of pain too deep to bear.

"I didn't come to ask you to forgive me," Daniel said softly, taking advantage of the eye contact, however painful. "I know it's gone too far for that. But I wanted you to know that you're wrong about me. I would never use our... intimacy... to hurt you. I won't ever tell anyone about that night. You have my word." Jack still held Daniel fast by the shirt with his left fist, his right, trembled at his side. "I'll transfer off the team, if that's what you want. Or I'll leave the SGC altogether. You'll never have to see me again. Your choice."

Jack let him go then, but neither man moved. "My choice..." he whispered, his voice breaking. Daniel nodded. "My...CHOICE?" Jack thundered. Daniel winced, but didn't back away. Jack took several deep breaths to steady himself before he continued. "Someone told me once that 'the mind doesn't decide whom the heart will love'..." His eyes narrowed dangerously. "If I ever had a choice in this, it was back on Abydos." He turned then, and stormed into the cabin.

Daniel watched him leave in the dimming light, completely torn. He'd offered to get out of Jack's life and Jack had as much as told him he was still in love with him. He looked at the cabin door, not knowing whether to get back in his car and leave or follow him and see where it went. Ultimately, it was the same desperate need that had driven him to kiss Jack almost a week ago that drove him now. If there was the slightest chance that they could somehow find each other again-on any level-- he had to try.

Daniel opened the door slowly, his heart beating wildly in his chest. "Don't shoot..." he said, not really kidding. He held his hands up in the air as if Jack had already trained his weapon on him. And in a way, he had. Jack sat on the edge of an uncomfortable-looking couch drinking a beer. A dozen empties lay strewn around, testament to how he'd spent the earlier part of the day. He glanced up at Daniel, no weapon in sight, but didn't offer any reassurances that one would not be forthcoming.

Daniel took a matching uncomfortable-looking chair across the room from Jack and sat tentatively. He rested his hands, palm down, on his knees. They looked at each other like strangers. At some point, Daniel noticed that his own lips were moving. He made a little effort and joined the monolog already in progress. "...I've spent most of my life trying to fit in, to find somewhere I was... wanted. I thought that place was Abydos once, but... Then you made a place for me in the SGC. You taught me to fight at your side. But I couldn't leave well enough alone. I wanted more. Maybe more than you wanted to give." He looked down at his hands. Hands that had once held and loved the stranger across the room. "I'm not sorry that I fell in love with you. I'm not sorry that I told you how I feel. I'm not sorry that we made love. I am sorry that we had... a misunderstanding."

"And you call yourself a linguist..."

Daniel couldn't tell what he meant by that, but the fact that Jack was participating-however sarcastically--gave him the courage to continue.

"I'm a pretty fair linguist, actually. It's relationships I suck at. According to Mackenzie, my collection of insecurities and 'fear of abandonment' issues make me so dysfunctional that I'm probably not capable of having a mature relationship with anyone. Male, female, hooker, it doesn't matter. Sometimes I think Chaka's the only one who's ever really accepted me for who I am."

"That lizard? He doesn't deserve you-"

Daniel looked up and bravely met Jack's eyes. Eyes that had split his soul wide open once, and that now left him alone and friendless to bleed out emotionally. He didn't let his gaze wander, for whatever else Jack thought about him, he didn't want the older man to think him a coward.

"The misunderstanding was..." He paused, and Daniel could see the muscles of the older man's jaw working as he ground his teeth, fighting himself to get the words out. "...my fault," Jack finished quietly, finally breaking the eye contact. He stared into the nearly-empty beer bottle in his hand. "I chose my words badly. It's ... possible that I may have..." An almost imperceptible shake of the head here. "...some issues too..."

Daniel's heart leapt at the admission. For the first time in nearly a week, he had a faint glimmer of hope that their relationship could be salvaged. He waited, not wanting to frighten off what must be a painful acknowledgment, but nothing more was forthcoming. "Such as..." he prompted gently.

Jack shrugged, looking around at nothing. "I dunno what you'd call it..."

"Homophobia?" Daniel offered helpfully, immediately sorry he had done so.

"Oh Christ I hate labels!" Jack bellowed, jumping to his feet and crossing to stare out the picture window across the lake. He was only a silhouette now, dusk having settled completely on the lake.

Daniel smiled sadly in the dark room. He felt tears slip from his eyes and was grateful that Jack wouldn't see them. "Yeah. I can see that," he murmured. He stood then and moved past Jack toward the door. He paused with his hand on the knob. "It's a shame that this one's a deal breaker..." And then he left, closing the door gently behind him.

Night had fallen hard and it was cold. There was no moon that he could see, and this lack of illumination afforded him a great view of the stars. If only he cared. The slim hope he'd had only minutes ago had just died; suffocated by Jack's prejudice.

He turned toward the lake so as to get his bearings, and then turned one hundred eighty degrees to-hopefully-be lined up with the path he'd walked in along. He strode purposefully to the tree line, expecting to see the gravel road he'd parked along, but saw nothing that passed for a road among the underbrush. He scrubbed at his eyes, rubbing the dried tears from his cheeks. His glasses were badly smudged and he stopped to clean them on his shirt. Slightly better acuity, but still no sign of the road.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" Jack roared at the top of his lungs, pain and fury and fear evident in each strained syllable.

Daniel winced, more from embarrassment for Jack than anything else. "Lower your voice, please. Do you want the neighbors to hear you?" he called out.

"WHAT NEIGHBORS? THIS SPREAD GOES FOR THIRTY MILES IN ALL DIRECTIONS. ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTION. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?"

"NOTHING!" Daniel bellowed back. "I DON'T WANT ANYTHING FROM YOU!"

"YOU SURE AS SHIT DO! YOU WANT ME TO BE SOMETHING I'M NOT!"

Daniel shook his head in frustration, forgetting that Jack probably couldn't see him. "YOU'RE A FUCKING BIGOT!" he screamed before he could stop himself. The truth of it was pretty blatant, but bigots rarely saw themselves that way. There was a long silence and Daniel was certain that he'd sealed the last chance of their ever being civil to one another with that statement.

"I LOVE YOU!"

How could Jack make those words hurt him so? He choked back a sob that threatened to erupt and bit back the tears that had never really stopped. "IT DOESN'T MATTER! HOWEVER MUCH YOU LOVE ME... IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO OVERCOME YOUR HATRED OF WHAT I AM... OF WHAT WE ARE."

The echoes of that truth rolled around Jack's brain for what seemed like an eternity. He imagined Daniel walking down the road. Out of his life. A different kind of death, but death just the same. God, he felt old. And empty. He sank to his knees. "Help me..." he said sadly. "Dear god, Daniel... please help me..." the last was mostly lost in sobs that he made no effort to control.

Daniel felt them, more than heard them, and the depth of Jack's torment cut through his own pain and he ran to where Jack knelt in the dirt and gathered him into his arms and rocked him, an ironic reversal of that time in the storage room...

~~~

His throat hurt. His knees hurt. His head hurt. His heart... When Daniel had held him the pain had left his heart. He let Daniel carry him into the cabin and lay him out on the bed. He was shivering from emotional exhaustion as well as the sudden loss of adrenalin that comes from having an argument at the top of your lungs. Daniel had piled quilts on top of him without a word and then started a fire in the fireplace that both the main room and the single bedroom shared. But still his teeth chattered.

The fire blazing now, thanks to piles of kindling Jack had gathered earlier that day, Daniel stripped down and joined him under the blankets. Wordlessly, efficiently, he worked to rid Jack of his clothes without wafting cold air from the cabin in under the blankets. He pulled the naked and shaking man to him and gritted his teeth against the feel of Jack's frigid skin against his own. He rubbed Jack's arms and back, stimulating sluggish blood flow and generating friction in the process. He felt Jack's cock hardening against his hip, but did not acknowledge it. They slept.

~~~

Noises in the kitchen roused Jack from his warm cave of covers. It was still dark out, so he deduced that it wasn't quite dawn yet. Bravely, he threw off the covers and pulled on his jeans and shirt from the floor and scurried barefoot into the kitchen. Shirtless, Daniel was peering into the cabinets. Jack admired the muscular back and narrow waist but resisted the urge to touch him.

"Dan-iel..."

"Ja-ck..."

"Whatcha doin'?"

"Looking for a coffee maker. Coffee grinder. Coffee."

"You found it," Jack said, pointing to the jar of instant on the counter.

Daniel sniffed. "I was afraid of that," he said resignedly. He closed the cabinet doors and grabbed the kettle from the stove, filling it with water and turning the flame on.

"Cups are there," Jack said, pointing to another cabinet.

Daniel selected two and set them on the counter, leaning back on it tiredly. In the tiny kitchen, they were next to each other, but miles apart. The silence stretched between them as they waited for the hot water to boil.

"What kind of healthy relationship can two completely dysfunctional people have?" Daniel whispered, staring down at his bare feet.

Jack resisted the urge to render a comical response, sensing-correctly-that this was not the time for levity. He reached out and covered Daniel's hand where it rested on the counter, with his. "The working-on-it-together kind?"

They looked at each other, recognizing each others' shortcomings and strengths and realizing that, to survive, they had to try and make it work together. Daniel let himself be enfolded in Jack's arms, resting his cheek against Jack's warm shoulder. They stayed that way for a while, until the teakettle whistled them apart.

They sat at the table in front of the picture window and watched the sun start to rise over the lake as they sipped their coffee. "Daniel..." Jack said softly. The younger man looked up and met the somber brown eyes. "I don't know how I'm going to be able to... reconcile my... issues, but I want to make sure you know that they're my issues. It doesn't reflect on you. Don't take it personally."

Daniel smiled sadly. "But it does, Jack. And I do. The mere fact that we love each other makes us-both of us-into a class of people you can't tolerate. How can I not take that personally? How can I ever be sure of your love, that our relationship has any basis or meaning if five minutes after you make love to me, you're filled with revulsion at the thought of what you've just done?"

Jack shook his head, hating the fact that Daniel was right, and not being any closer to getting past what would seem to be an insurmountable problem. "What do you suggest?"

Daniel took off his glasses and rubbed his burning eyes. Not for the first time, he regretted not taking his counselor's suggestion in college and going after an undergraduate in Psych. Sure would've come in handy right about now... "What did you feel when I walked out the door last night?"

"I don't know-"

"You do," Daniel insisted.

"What do you want me to say?" Jack snapped.

"Whatever you feel," Daniel snapped back. "We can't have anything together until you're honest with yourself. You've got to start there. You're a smart guy; you're not stupid enough to fall for the dumb Colonel act. Stop lying to yourself!"

Jack's eyes were cast down into the dark depths of his now-cold coffee. He closed his eyes and reached deep into his heart. "Fear," he whispered.

Not the answer he'd been expecting. "Of what?"

"Losing you for good. Of being alone."

"So I'm just a warm body-"

"No."

"Someone to warm your bed and suck you off-"

"NO!"

"What then?"

"You're part of my soul!" Jack yelled, eyes blazing, body tensed.

Daniel resisted the urge to reach out to Jack; to touch him, reassure him of his love. He knew Jack had a bad place to go, and making the way easy for him would only serve to diminish the experience and make the journey longer. "Is this a new revelation?"

"No," Jack whispered, looking out the window.

"When?"

The older man shook his head. "I dunno..."

"Jack..."

Jack slammed his fist on the table, sloshing coffee from both their cups. "What do you want from me?" Jack glared at him.

"Honesty!" Daniel glared back.

Jack's glare faded first. He distractedly mopped at the spilled coffee with a fistful of paper napkins and carefully avoided Daniel's expectant gaze. "After Apophis' ship... when you died the first time..."

"So I have to die before you'll admit to yourself what I mean to you?"

"Apparently."

"That's harsh." Jack looked up at him, and he allowed him a slight smile. While their eyes were still locked, Daniel asked quietly, "Did you want me then?"

Jack looked away. "No. But I knew I was screwed.""Why?"

"Because I'd let you in. You mattered. Personnel aren't supposed to matter... that much."

"Not love yet?"

Jack shook his head. "I don't think so," he whispered.

"When?" Jack looked like he was going to vacillate again. "Jack..." Daniel warned.

"I really don't know this one, Daniel. It was a gradual thing." He sounded so tired. "At some point, the stuff that used to annoy the shit out of me became...cute. Endearing. Sexy." To Daniel's quizzically raised eyebrows, he shrugged and replied, "Smart is... sexy."

Daniel frowned. "You'd get so pissed off at me when I rambled on about stuff-"

"Probably because it gave me a such hard-on, there was no blood in my brain. Didn't mean I wasn't listening." Daniel stared at him, amazed. "When I have my Colonel suit on, Daniel, there's usually a crisis of some kind going on. Sometimes I don't have the luxury of time to listen to everything you've got. I need the condensed version so I can make a decision and I need it now. It doesn't mean I'm not interested. And it doesn't mean I don't get turned on sometimes just by listening to you. It's not so much what you say... as how passionate you get when you're saying it..."

"So the times you'd goad me by not understanding, or by misunderstanding..."

"Foreplay," Jack admitted guiltily. Daniel grinned broadly. "You don't have to look so smug," Jack complained. "You knew."

"I suspected..." They let the warm moment of revelation and acceptance settle between them before Daniel started back in on him. "When did you know you wanted me?"

This was an easy one to pin down. Jack pushed his cold coffee away. He really wanted a drink. "When I died." Daniel looked confused for a moment, mentally running through the missions he could remember, but coming up blank. "You weren't... really here anymore," Jack explained. "You were--" He made a spirally motion in the air.

"Ascended?" Jack nodded. "You decided you wanted me-"

"I didn't decide, Daniel. It just happened." Jack got up, grabbing his shades off the table. and motioning with his head outside. "Fresh air?" he asked, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

Daniel put his glasses back on and followed him out into the bright sunshine. It sparkled on the water and the dew that was left on the grass. They walked in silence for a time, coming to rest under an enormous weeping willow tree. They sat and Jack gathered some pebbles and started tossing them into the water one at a time.

"Jack..."

The older man sighed. "Baal. He was after information about the snake they put in my head."

"Kanan..." Daniel supplied.

"Yeah." He looked over at Daniel who squinted at the lake. "Do you remember coming to me in my cell?"

Daniel canted his head to one side as he tried to remember. Flashes came to him. Snippets, really. Jack screaming at him to do something; throwing a shoe at him. Trying to get Jack to understand what was at stake. "Your soul..."

"Yeah." He scuffled around in the dirt for some more pebbles. "Such as it is..."

"I can't bring it all back, but I don't see how-"

"Look, I didn't say it made any sense, Daniel," Jack snapped. "I don't remember how many times that bastard tortured me to death and back." It hurt to remember. It hurt more that Daniel couldn't remember. "After awhile, my brain took a little vacation. Something to keep my mind off what he was doing to me... If I was going to die, I didn't want my last thoughts to be of him--"

"So you fantasized about me? While he was torturing you?"

"Sick, huh?"

"Well it might shed some light on your negative feelings about us.""It does?"

" Maybe. Although... If that were the only factor, you shouldn't have been able to climax with me, and you did-twice...""Maybe we just need to-y'know-- do it more, until that connection goes away..." Jack suggested helpfully.

" 'Do it'?" Jack shrugged. Daniel adopted a completely blank expression. "What do you mean?"

"You know..."

Daniel shook his head. "Tell me. Tell me exactly what you mean."

"Daniel..."

"You can't even say the words," Daniel complained. "How are you ever going to accept being in a homosexual relationship if you can't even bring yourself to say the words?"

Jack winced. "Daniel, that's enough!"

"It's not," Daniel insisted. "Don't shut down now, Jack. Please! Help us be together." Jack looked at Daniel's beseeching expression and knew that there was nothing he could deny him. He nodded, almost imperceptibly. "Say it, Jack. Tell me what you want."

Jack took a deep breath and frowned, digging at the dirt near his knee with a small twig. Daniel took hold of the older man's chin and gently turned Jack to face him. "Look at me and tell me what you want."

Jack swallowed hard and met the unwavering blue gaze. "I want to be able to love you without holding back. I want to... make love to you without feeling..."

"What?"

Jack's face screwed up in pain, and he pulled away. "Like a pervert, Daniel. God damn it, that's what it is!"

This is where Daniel had known they'd have to go. The stuff with Baal... that was going to take more than Psyche 101 to figure out. This part, he expected. "You feel that our love is perverted."

"No--"

"Loving me is alright, but making love to me is perverted?"

Jack hung his head in shamed acknowledgment. "Yeah. Something like that."

"Wanting to touch me sexually is perverted?"

"I guess so."

"Wanting to bring me sexual pleasure is perverted?

"Yes."

"Wanting to fuck me is perverted?"

"Definitely!" Jack closed his eyes against the images that assaulted his brain.

"Wanting to feel your cock deep inside my tight ass is perverted?""YES!"

"Are you hard, Jack? Do you want me now?"

"YES!"

Jack's eyes bored into his, but he didn't waver. "What's stopping you?" Daniel asked softly. Jack's breathing was labored, and Daniel could see him clenching his jaw. He lifted his chin in a deliberately provocative gesture and looked through lowered lashes. "Your body wants me. Your cock is straining to be free... to sheath itself inside me... to find release inside my body. You know I'm a man... and you want me."

Jack's nostrils flared dangerously. "IT'S WRONG!" he screamed.

"Not if it's what we both want!" Daniel shouted back. And then suddenly, it all became clear to him. "Or is it..." he said softly. "Jack, you did realize that eventually, I'd want to do it too..." Jack turned away, not able to meet his eyes, and Daniel knew with sickening certainty that he was right. He forged on, saying the words he knew Jack couldn't bear to let himself even think. "I want to make love to you, Jack, to be inside you... to feel my cock in your ass... to fill you up with my-"

"NO!" The echoes from this single denial vibrated across the water and back to them, harsh and final. The implications were immense.

Daniel said nothing. It was obvious that something in Jack's past was going to be more of an obstacle than he'd originally thought. Jack could, on some level, rationalize fucking Daniel. But apparently, this was not going to be a two-way street. Daniel fought the urge to leave. He had to believe that they could find away to work through this. Angrily, he continued to push the older man.

"How'd you do it, Jack? How did you let yourself come when we made love? Did you pretend I was a woman? Sam's mouth on your cock, not mine-"

"Shut up, Daniel!" Jack barked. He shot to his feet and started to walk back up the path to the cabin.

"If you walk away now, I won't come after you," Daniel called out evenly. Jack stopped in his tracks, but didn't turn around. "You have to want to make this work too. I can't bear the weight of this relationship alone." Jack turned to glare at him, but Daniel held his gaze firm. "I won't."

Satisfied that Jack wasn't going to bolt-for the moment, Daniel walked over to where Jack stood, making no effort to stand outside of Jack's personal space. His only body-language concession was to put his hands in his pockets. He spoke quietly, and the tone of his words held Jack's gaze fast. This one would make it or break it, he thought. "I love you, Jack, with all my heart. I'm reasonably sure you feel the same way about me. What I want is a relationship of equals. Two people who care for each other and put each other first. I believe that sexual intimacy is an important part of a loving relationship and I want to enjoy that with you. I understand you have some issues with suddenly finding yourself in a homosexual situation, and although I don't share those concerns, I respect that this is difficult for you. I'm not expecting you to change overnight, but I have to know that you want to change. That someday, you'll want that kind of intimacy from me. I have no desire to dominate you on any level, but neither will I sublimate my desires for you indefinitely. I have no interest in being anyone's sex toy, Jack, not even yours." Jack's expression was hard, unreadable. Daniel just waited.

He narrowed his eyes. "Is that an ultimatum?"

"After eight years, you should know I don't do that," Daniel answered gently.

Jack's facial expression began to soften. "What if I can't... change?"

Daniel smiled. "Then you won't know what you're missing..."

Jack's eyes narrowed again. Something in the way Daniel said those words struck Jack in the stubborn part of his brain. The part that was connected to his cock. He could get over his problem and have the sweetest piece of ass on this planet or any other, or he could watch Daniel walk away and give that love-and that beautiful body-to someone else. He was too selfish to let that happen. "Yes," he whispered.

Daniel shrugged. "Yes what?"

Jack forced the anger to leave his body, still taut with fear and apprehension. He pulled Daniel to him and wrapped his arms around the younger man. "Yes, I love you with all my heart. Yes, I want our relationship to work. Yes, I want to try to change." He took a deep breath and let it out, willing himself to continue. "Yes, I want... to want that intimacy from you. Just... yes."

Daniel smiled, and kissed him, a soft, untroubled kiss, one that portended a future filled with all kinds of wonderful possibilities. Jack fell into it, letting Daniel lead, and finding that he didn't really mind following. "I love you," Daniel murmured.

Jack smiled. "Back atcha." Daniel just sighed and shook his head. Jack brightened. "Hey - how 'bout a swim?"

Daniel frowned. "Water's probably freezing-" he complained, but stopped short as Jack started to strip.

"No such word in Minnesota. The word is 'invigorating'," Jack corrected, grinning as he strode back down the path, discarding clothes as he went. As he got closer to the water, he picked up speed and executed a flawless dive into the still water. He swam underwater for a time, coming up almost thirty yards out.

Daniel walked to the water's edge and shaded his eyes with his hand. Jack was treading water, but not coming any closer to the shore. "I never realized you were an exhibitionist," he called after the older man.

"I've always been a nudist at heart, Daniel. You can only be an exhibitionist if you strip in front of people." Daniel spread out his arms, but Jack shook his head and then swam lazily back toward shore. Daniel watched the easy way he moved through the water and found himself straining to see the outline of Jack's ass through the clear blue lake. He stopped about six feet out and shook the water from his hair. "You're not people, Daniel," he said evenly. "You're my lover..." Somehow it was easier saying the word when he didn't have to look Daniel in the eye.

A smile spread across Daniel's features and his heart filled with hope that they could make it work. He unzipped his jeans and stepped out of them, tossing his glasses on top. He paused only a moment to contemplate the probability of major shrinkage before diving over Jack's head into the frigid water. He came up streaming bubbles through his nose, and when he broke the surface, he let out a whoop of confirmation. "O'Neill!" he yelled accusatorily, spinning around to find Jack laughing behind him. "I'll have you know my balls just ascended into my abdomen!"

Jack swam toward him and maneuvered his legs around the younger man's waist. He kissed him hard on the mouth, still treading water and Daniel joined in greedily. "As long as it's just your balls that ascend this time," Jack said softly. "I can coax them back down..."

~~~

They lay on the pier, letting the sun warm and dry their bodies. "I could get used to the nudist thing," Daniel said quietly. "This feels really good..."

Jack rolled onto his side and leaned his head on his elbow to watch his archeologist basking in the morning sun. Droplets of water clung to his hair and eyelashes and the sight of him made Jack hungry in ways he'd never been hungry before. "I always planned to retire here. I just never figured on having such sexy company..." he said, letting his gaze rake over the luscious body of the man next to him. One arm behind his head contracted the bicep into an impressive mound. The other lay easily on his flat belly. His cock had started lengthening, but hadn't started to harden yet and lay temptingly along his right thigh, twitching occasionally. Left knee bent, muscular thigh rippling nicely, right leg splayed carelessly on the pier. He was a sight to behold.

"Dan-iel...""Ja-ck..."

"Are you... posing for me?"

A ghost of a smile played over Daniel's lips, but he didn't open his eyes. "If I said yes?"

Jack smiled. "Then I'd ask... why?"

"I like knowing you're watching me. Do you enjoy looking at my body?"

Jack could feel his own cock coming to life in the lazy sensuality of the al fresco display. He sighed deeply. "Oh, yes."

"Then that's why."

Jack cleared his throat, trying to maintain some semblance of control. He wished he'd already handed in his resignation so that there was no nagging sense of responsibility poking him in the conscience. "What did you tell Hammond?" he asked reluctantly.

At the mention of their leader's name, Daniel frowned. "Oh yeah... I told him that I got through to you yesterday and that you were at the cabin fishing, but that the cell phone connection was lost before I could tell you to come back. That's why he let me come after you."

Jack smiled. "Good thinking."

"Yeah, but how am I gonna explain not checking in with him last night?"

Jack took a deep breath and pursed his lips. "Well, as I see it, we've got two choices. We can either tell him the truth, that we had a fight, and then made up and decided to spend the rest of the day making love," Daniel grinned, but didn't interrupt. "Or, we make up a plausible lie and get on with business. What's your preference?"

Daniel sighed and opened his eyes, casting a sidelong glance at his lover. "At the risk of starting another fight, I think we should go back to work. Both of us."

"Daniel-"

"Jack, hear me out. I happen to think we can have both. Other people have jobs and a personal life, why can't we?"

"In the first place, most--" he searched for a word, "--couples, don't work together. Inside a command structure. Off-world, no less!"

"Jack, since when has the command structure ever affected us?" Daniel said lightly.

But Jack's expression was serious. "I'm not talking about whether or not you follow my orders, Daniel. In a life-or-death situation, I can't be distracted thinking about my lover's safety. Someone could get killed. I wasn't kidding the other day. Even if we don't get all googly-eyed with each other-and I'm not making any promises, here-they're gonna know that something's happened between us. Like it or not, the fact that our relationship has changed can't help but affect the team dynamic."

Daniel sat up and put his arms around the upright knee as he squinted across the lake. Somewhere out there were his glasses. And his pants... "Let's examine that. We've admitted that we love each other. This isn't news, Jack. Everyone in the gate room knew you loved me the minute you hugged me seven years ago.""It's more than that, Daniel, and you know it."

"Is it?"

"Isn't it?"

Daniel shrugged. "We may have moved too fast the other night. I overestimated your readiness to acknowledge your feelings and commit to me-"

"I'm committed to you-"

Daniel shifted to lay on his side facing Jack. "I wasn't referring to whether or not you love me, rather whether or not you're ready to love me. Let's face it, Jack. You've got a boatload of unresolved issues. You're obviously not ready to commit to a homosexual relationship. And I can't change the fact that I'm a man any more than I can change the fact that I'm in love with you." He leaned over and kissed the older man lightly on the mouth. "I know we'll get there, baby, but it could take a long time. I don't think you should give up your career until you're sure you're ready."

"Are you giving me some kind of time limit?"

"No."

"Just holding out until I put out?"

"Is that what you think?"

"I don't know, Daniel. I'm trying to figure out where we stand, but it's really difficult to think when you're laying there like... that!"

Daniel smiled. "Like what?"

"Oh, like you don't know."

Daniel leaned over and licked Jack's lower lip. "Jack," he whispered. "I'm a patient man. When you're ready for me to make love to you, we'll both know. But I'm not a saint. I have no intention of remaining celibate in the meantime."

Jack smiled and pushed Daniel gently to the deck. He pulled one puckered nipple into his mouth and suckled gently. From the corner of his eye, he saw Daniel's cock start to rise.

"Jack..." Daniel breathed, arching his back. "Should we be doing this outside?"

"Why not?"

"I dunno... it seems so..."

"Erotic?"

Daniel moaned. "Yes..." He relaxed into the sensations and let the passion build, every nerve ending on fire anticipating Jack's next touch, his mouth. With his right hand, he stroked Jack's hair, letting his fingers trail down the older man's back, with his left, he began stroking his own cock.

Jack pushed his hand away. "Mine," he said, moving his mouth toward the hardened organ. He pushed his head in between Daniel's legs and rolled him onto his right side, engulfing the cock in one swift motion.

"Uhhhhhh..." Daniel moaned, finding himself face to cock with Jack's erection. He wanted to reciprocate, but didn't want to push Jack's comfort zone. He knew that the other man needed to feel in charge of the sex, and Daniel was more than willing to let him. For now. "Jack-" he gasped. "Can I..." he nudged Jack's package with his face, breathing hot moist air all along the exposed side.

Jack paused just long enough to answer, "Hell yes..." and then returned to his target. He wrapped both arms around Daniel's ass and held him firm as Daniel positioned himself between Jack's legs. They lay on the dock entwined in a gentle sixty-nine, heads pillowed on each other's thighs, lazily lapping and nuzzling and loving each other. As the sensations began to build, the licking and sucking became more insistent and hips thrust and teeth scraped and love flowed. Jack found that he was starting to get used to the taste of Daniel...

They lay exhausted and sated and dozing in the late morning sun for a time. Daniel's sneeze woke them both. "We're both AWOL, you know," Daniel offered, sniffing loudly.

"You can't be AWOL, you're a civilian," Jack countered sleepily, one forearm shading his eyes from the sun. And from Daniel."Hammond sent me after you. I was supposed to call in last night. I wouldn't be surprised if he sent someone after both of us. Siler's probably walking up the driveway right now..."

"Oh fine. And me with cum-breath. Here comes that court-martial..." he mumbled.

"I'm serious, Jack. We've got to get back. Sam's nearly out of her mind with excitement about the fact that the energy readings have returned, but Hammond won't let anyone near the place till you give the go-ahead." Jack didn't move, so Daniel moved closer and rested his chin on Jack's chest and waited.

Eventually, Jack opened his eyes and peered out from under his forearm. "Yes?"

Daniel smiled. "Are you alright?"

"Sure."

"About what we just did?"

"Are you?"

"Jack, if you're going to hate yourself every time we make love, you'll eventually come to hate me, and then there can't be an 'us'. Didn't it feel good?"

"That's a stupid question, Daniel, of course it felt good."

"How?""Are we going to do that talking thing again?"

"Yes. How did it make you feel?"

Jack sighed. "I don't know-I was horny, that fixed it."

"Was it the same as with a hooker?""What?""Did you ever sixty-nine with a hooker?""No!"

"Why not?"Jack sputtered. "I'm not paying to make them feel good. Besides, it's too... personal."

"And yet, you did it to me. You had your mouth and tongue on my cock. You swallowed my cum. Sounds pretty personal to me."

Why did Daniel insist on being so graphic? "It was--""Why'd you do it?""I dunno... I wanted to-"

"Wanted to do something personal to me? Something intimate? What did it do for you?"

"What?"

"What did you get out of sucking me off?"

"I dunno... it made me feel good-""Sexually?"

"No... I wanted to make you feel good... because I love you."

Daniel smiled. "Why did you let me suck you off?"

"Because I wanted to come..." He thought about it a little more and frowned. "I wanted you... to make me come..." Jack looked at Daniel, narrowing his eyes in suspicion. "What did you just do?"

Daniel shrugged. "I didn't do anything, Jack. Just talked. I'm into words, remember? We talked about making love and what it means to you. Say how you feel, tell me what you want. Don't be afraid. The bottom line is, you got emotional enjoyment out of giving me sexual pleasure because you love me."

"Yeah... but there's more...""There is?"

"Yeah..." He frowned, trying to fully grasp the elusive concept. "So it should be okay for me to receive sexual pleasure from you..."

Daniel grinned. "And?"

"And if we love each other, nothing we do should be considered 'wrong'..."

Daniel nodded. "Well, you've certainly got it as a theoretical concept. Now, all you've got to do is believe it." He sighed, trying to extrapolate from his perspective. "I don't see the gender thing as an obstacle. I see two people in love who want to express their love physically. When you touch me, you're telling me you love me. When you arouse me, you're reminding me that I need you. When you bring me to climax, you make me vulnerable to you. I trust you not to use my vulnerability to dominate me, rather to make 'us' stronger. I willingly surrender that to you... for us."

Jack looked at his lover and smiled. "And I thought it was just really hot sex."

Daniel grinned. He knew that if he could get Jack used to talking about-things, eventually, he'd come around. "All the rest is what turns hot sex into making love. Hot sex alone isn't enough to sustain and nurture a relationship."

"Did you learn that from Sha're?"

"Yes."

"I learned stuff from my marriage too. Mostly that I'm no good at relationships."

"Why?"

"I always say the wrong thing. Or I don't say the right thing. I'm pretty much apologizing all the time and never really understanding why. I don't want to screw this up, Daniel. After all this... to get here. I don't want to blow it by being... me."

"Watch it, you're insulting the man I fell in love with."

Jack started to sit up, the hard deck finally getting too much for his old bones. "I'm not kidding, Daniel. I'm scared to death that I'm going to say something stupid again and lose you. Last time, it was half a day before I figured it out and by then you were playing house with Garrett." He looked down at his hands solemnly. "I can't tell you how that made me feel, seeing you with her..." he whispered.

Daniel sat next to Jack, hugging his own knees. "I was hurt and I lashed out at you by flirting with Cindy. It was childish and hurtful and I used her shamelessly," Daniel agreed. "I'm going to have to find a way to apologize to her and let her down gently." He looked at Jack and then nudged him with his shoulder to force eye contact. "But first, I want to apologize to you. I'm sorry, Jack," he whispered. "I'll never give you cause to doubt my love for you again."

Jack leaned over and kissed him. "Can we have a signal or a sign or something?" he asked.

"A sign?"

"A word or a phrase or something that'll tell me I've screwed up and remind you to give me a second chance." He frowned, genuinely working toward a way for them to be. "I want us to be forever, Daniel..."

"So do I," Daniel agreed, moving in for a kiss. It deepened; a search and a promise.

~~~

They'd retrieved their clothes from the other side of the lake and showered, and were closing up the cabin in preparation for leaving. "What's your decision?" Daniel asked.

"I don't know yet."

"This is a perfect mission to practice on. Just cool stuff to look at; nothing dangerous."

"Daniel, I need you to understand where I'm coming from. This isn't about the gender thing. It would be the same issue if you were a female member of my team," he said, deliberately not using Sam's name. "I have to be able to evaluate the situation and determine the threat level and then send in the right man for the job. If that's you, I can't be double-thinking myself and saying, 'No, Daniel can't go in case something goes wrong, I'll send in someone else'. That puts the mission and all our lives at risk if someone less-qualified but more expendable to me personally goes in. Do you understand?"

Daniel nodded solemnly. "I do. You're good at what you do. I trust your judgment; we all do."

"I'm not sure I trust it," he muttered. "And we've got to set some ground rules." He started to enumerate with his fingers. "Not at Cheyenne. Not off-world-"

"It might be easier if we said we could only be a couple inside your house or mine, everything else is just friends," Daniel offered.

Jack frowned. "And this won't make you feel like I'm denying you?"

Daniel shrugged. "That's my issue. We're going to have to learn to trust each other. It's a concession I'm willing to make in order to have both." He stroked Jack's cheek lightly, and ran his thumb across his lower lip. "And some day, we'll come out and then we can be a couple anywhere."

A thought flitted across Jack's brain, almost out of reach. He was still and waited for it to coalesce into his consciousness. There was some prestige to be had in taking the archeologist as a lover... Jack had always been aware of the admirers Daniel had, both women and men. He used to think it was amusing, especially since Daniel acted as if he was oblivious to the attention. But Jack saw how they watched his linguist, some of them with barely concealed lust, tracking his ass down the length of the hallway. Falling over themselves to get his attention-career military, some of them. Major Davis, specifically. And Daniel was his now...

He decided not to let on to Daniel about this revelation. He didn't like the way it made him feel about himself and he liked the picture it painted of Daniel even less. He'd chew on it awhile and see if it would come any clearer, motivation-wise before he said anything. He hoped he wasn't that superficial, but he wouldn't have bet against it.

"We'd better go," Jack said softly. Daniel nodded, hoisting Jack's duffel bag onto his shoulder. He hadn't planned on spending the night when he'd come after Jack, and so had no luggage of his own. Jack locked the door and put on his shades. "C'mon, I'll drive you to your car, then you can follow me to the airport. I know a shortcut." He watched Daniel toss the duffle into the back of the Jeep, but caught him by the arm before he could swing into the passenger seat. "Hey..."

Daniel read the regret in Jack's eyes and moved in to hug him. "I know." Jack held on for dear life. "It might be a long time before we can be together again," he whispered, enjoying the feel of the older man in his arms.

"Aw, Danny... this feels too new and fragile to let go of now. We should lock ourselves in a room and not come out till we're good and sore..."

Daniel raised his eyebrows at this and pulled away to look into Jack's eyes. It was a romantic statement. For Jack, anyway. "Well, that's certainly something to look forward to..." he kissed Jack, lightly, but earnestly. "Don't think of it as letting go. We're here now-" he put his hand over Jack's heart. "Always."

~~~

They waited in the airport terminal for their flight to be announced. Jack chugged a blue Gatorade and Daniel read a magazine. To all outward appearances, they were just two friends waiting for a plane.

"There's one other thing," Jack said quietly.

"Mmm?" Daniel said absently as he continued to turn pages.

"Over the years, I've gotten used to the fact that you don't address me by my rank..." Now, Daniel looked up from his magazine and eyed his partner. "But, uh... I'm not sure about the 'baby' thing..."

Daniel smiled. "Did you just now realize I called you 'baby'?"

Jack held up two fingers. "Twice."

"Are you insulted?"

"Uh, no."

"What then?"

"I uh..." There was a long pause here, and Daniel was afraid that Jack had chickened out and wouldn't finish. The older man cleared his throat and distractedly started peeling the label off the Gatorade bottle. "I seem to really like it..." he was having trouble meeting Daniel's eyes.

"I'm glad you told me..." Daniel said softly. "I'll try not to call you that off-world."

"Yeah. Try hard. Clear chain of command and all that."

"But when we're alone...?"

"Then it's cool."

"Very cool," Daniel agreed. Getting Jack to express his feelings, using actual words and not just vague high school terminology would be the key to getting past his homophobia. Now, if he could only convince him that they could still work together...

~~~

Jack adjusted his sunglasses and cap to block out the blazing sun of P4C-926. His eyes were unusually sensitive to the light, probably because he'd spent so much time outside without his shades at the cabin this morning. The warm twitch in his groin that this memory evoked was almost immediately squashed by the arrival of Lieutenant Giggles-Garrett, come to greet her hero, no doubt. He'd offered to handle the problem administratively, but Daniel had insisted on handling the issue himself.

Jack watched Daniel split off from the group, steering the young lieutenant away from the stone formation. She was prattling on about something and Daniel was nodding patiently. Jack sighed and managed to tear his eyes away from the pair in time to see Carter approach the formation cautiously, instruments calibrated and at the ready. Teal'c covered her six.

He glanced over at Daniel again, then berated himself for this weakness. What had Daniel said on the plane? 'Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship.' He muttered this phrase several times under his breath, trying to feel it.

"Did you speak, O'Neill?"

"Just thinking to myself, T."

He didn't even have the consolation of knowing that Daniel would be going home with him tonight. If these energy readings panned out, they'd be off-world for the duration. He really wished he could get past his goddamn issues so that he didn't waste so much of their limited time together feeling guilty and ashamed.

And this was exactly what he'd been afraid of. That he'd be off daydreaming about Daniel when he should be paying attention to the mission, alert for danger. Shit.

I, Jonathan J. O'Neill, 771-62-0009, having been appointed a Colonel in the United States Air Force, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the constitution of the United States, against all enemies, foreign and domestic, that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same, that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion, and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office upon which I am about to enter. "So help me God.

"

He hadn't realized that he'd spoken the last part aloud until Carter turned to look at him. "Sir?"

"Nothing, Carter. Wha'd'ya got?"

"Well, the readings are higher than when we first got here the other day. They're increasing, but very slowly. I'm not sure what it means." She fiddled with the dials of the instrument. "I'd like to set up a couple dozen spectrometers around the perimeter to monitor the readings during the course of the day; see if that tells us anything."

"Sounds reasonable. Do you need more bodies for this?"

"I'd like for Dr. Felger to check it out-see what his thoughts are."

Jack winced. "He's a goofball, Carter," he complained.

"Sir, he approaches problems differently. Outside the box. I think that could help us here."

"He should be inside a box," he muttered. "Preferably a soundproof one." He glanced her way and nodded reluctantly. "Alright, but he's your responsibility, Carter; I don't want to have to deal with that bozo. Clear?"

"Clear, sir. I'll send word to the SGC what we need."

"Fine." Carter made off back toward the gate to dial in the shopping list. Jack made a special effort to turn his back to where he knew Daniel and the Lieutenant to still be. "Teal'c, anything about this... structure seem familiar to you?"

"It does not, O'Neill. The layout of the obelisks is somewhat reminiscent of your Stonehenge, however."

Jack appraised the grouping as a whole, something he'd been too pissed off to do the last time they were here. "Kinda..." he started to walk counter-clockwise around the outside ring of the obelisks, examining their placement in regards to each other. "But different. More stones here. Two rings... all upright. No lintels." He stopped in front of one of the obelisks. "This one seems out of place..." he muttered to himself. "Hey, T- did they keep the footage of any of the UAVs?"

"They did. You can view it at the main tent at base camp."

They started to walk to the base camp, Jack successfully avoiding looking at the area where Daniel and the Lieutenant were still talking. "You got any bad feelings about this place?"

"I do not. The writings do not appear to have any basis in Go'a'uld that I recognize. I see no forensic evidence to indicate Go'a'uld occupation at any time in the recent past." He looked at O'Neill and cocked his head. "Are you experiencing Lepidoptera in your belly?"

O'Neill shot him a worried look. "I sure as hell hope not..."

"It has been my experience that humans frequently describe a vague feeling of concern as reminiscent of winged insects-"

"Butterflies!" O'Neill interjected, finally understanding. "Butterflies in the stomach... right. Good one, T." He ambled over to the monitor and switched it on. Major Curtis chose that moment to stride into the enclosure.

"Major Curtis, reporting as ordered," he said, snapping to attention and saluting.

"At ease, Major," O'Neill said, returning the salute casually. "What's your take on this place? Find anything else of interest in the last couple of days?"

"Negative. Just a bunch of rocks, sir."

"Is that what Lieutenant Garrett said?"

"She's pretty excited about this find, sir, but hasn't been able to come to any conclusions yet. We were hoping that your archeologist would be able to put it into perspective and tell us whether or not we've been wasting our time here."

My archeologist... O'Neill mused silently. He's mine now... It was a long moment before he realized he'd squared his shoulders and puffed out his chest in response to the remark. Whoa, Jack. Down, boy... He hoped he wasn't grinning foolishly too. "If there's anything to this place, Carter and Daniel will figure it out," he said. "Can I see the UAV films?"

"Yes sir." Curtis queued up the first one and pointed to the stack of CDs next to the keyboard. "The other five are here. Looking for something in particular?"

Jack shook his head as he watched the aerial footage shot by the UAVs the first day they were here. "You know, we've really got to figure out a way of sizing up whole planets. Sending in MALPs and UAVs gives us such limited information... There could be huge settlements just a couple hundred clicks from here and we wouldn't know it till they decided to come over the hill..." He paused the display and turned to Curtis. "You and the rest of SG-15 spread out on the ridge toward the east. Teal'c, you hiaaka up to the ridge on the west. That way you guys can keep one eye on the geeks while they do their thing and keep the other eye out for hordes of unfriendly natives in the distance at the same time."

"As you wish," Teal'c said, bowing slightly.

After he'd cleared the tent, O'Neill saw Curtis shudder. "What was that?"

"Sir?"

"That little move you just made, Major. You got a problem with Teal'c?"

"Permission to speak freely, sir?" O'Neill nodded. "He..." Curtis shook his head. "Gives me the creeps, sir. He was the enemy. How can you be sure he's one of us?"

O'Neill's lips thinned in barely controlled anger. "His actions as part of my team for the last seven years, Major. And I sure hope your 'creeps' are just because you don't have a lot of experience dealing with Jaffa, and not because you're a bigot. They're our allies now, and you'd do well to get over the creepy feeling, because I don't have a lot of patience for small-minded bigots who allow their prejudice against a group of people who are a little bit different from us make them blind to what they can offer." He stopped short, suddenly remembering Daniel shouting to him across the front field at the cabin... 'You're a fucking bigot!' He swallowed hard. Oooohhh...many lessons today, grasshopper... To Curtis, he snapped, "Dismissed."

Curtis saluted. "Yes, sir," and left to gather his men into position.

O'Neill watched Curtis leave and wondered for about the millionth time what Daniel could possibly see in him. Prejudice was ugly. And that seemed to be his predominant condition at the moment. He closed his eyes and tried hard to figure out where his intense hatred of fags had come from. He didn't think this was a new feeling. It was just how things were... He couldn't remember a time when he felt any differently.

He shook his head to clear it, and went back to scanning the UAV footage. On the second film, the UAV had veered left coming out of the gate and flew directly over the ruins. That's when he saw it. Daniel's Japanese puzzle box; the one on his dresser. The intricate design on the top of the box looked almost identical to the aerial view of the ruins. All except for the one obelisk that seemed out of place. He wondered if this had any significance. He left the unit paused to that frame and stepped outside the tent. Daniel was walking toward him sans Garrett. He tried hard not to look as pleased as he felt.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah, I think so. She's seems like she's gonna be okay. We'll see." He looked toward the ruins. "Where's Sam?"She went back for Folger-"

"Jay Felger? That nut job?"

"That's what I said. She says he thinks outside the box. She also wanted to set up a couple dozen Geiger-gizmos to gather information on the energy fluctuations. "Come here and look at this."

"What?"

"The second UAV went directly over the ruins. Look familiar?"

Daniel squinted at the screen and frowned in concentration. "Looks like any one of a hundred monolithic ruins I've seen on a hundred different planets..."

"You scientific types get jaded so easily. It's sad, really..."

"Excuse me? Who are you and what have you done with Jack O'Neill?"

"Look at it again," he said, willing the younger man to see what he saw. But Daniel just continued to frown. Exasperated, Jack said, "The Japanese puzzle box on your dresser, Daniel-"

The archeologist bent sideways at a right angle and squinted at the screen. "Yeah... kind of... I guess. Except for this part," he pointed to the one obelisk that was facing out at an angle. "The writing on the stones is definitely a derivation of Ancient... This would presuppose that Japanese culture had been influenced by the Ancients in some fashion..." He looked up at Jack. "The box in my bedroom has 42 moves. How far have you gotten trying to open it?"

"Three."

"Yeah. It's hard. The less you think about it, the easier it is. If this is a representation of a puzzle box, then it would stand to reason that there would be a way to manipulate it physically." He reached over his shoulder to release the clips holding his pack onto his vest. Setting it on the floor, he started rummaging through it for a specific text. He squatted on the floor of the tent and began flipping pages, muttering to himself as he did so. He glance up to find Jack smiling at him. "What?"

"You're beautiful when you're engrossed," he whispered.

Daniel blushed and tried hard not to smile. "You're breaking the rules, Colonel O'Neill," the archeologist warned softly, returning to the text.

"Told you I couldn't be trusted," Jack said, leaving the younger man alone in the tent. If he'd've stayed any longer, he'd've wanted to kiss him. Or more.

And Carter was back. With Folger no less. Jack could see the two of them calibrating the gizmos and setting them up around the perimeter of the outside ring. He sauntered over to where Carter was squatting next to a gizmo. "And so now we wait?"

"Pretty much, sir. It's looking like the energy flow being emitted by this structure ebbs and flows like a tide. I can't imagine what would cause that, or what its purpose might be. At this point, I'm not sure if the structure was built to harness some kind of naturally-produced energy unique to this area of the planet, or if the structure is creating the energy itself."

"And which are we rooting for?"

Carter looked at him and frowned in concentration. "It doesn't really matter. Either way, we can probably make use of it. If further exploration of this planet turns up no indigenous life, then it would be a perfect research facility."

Jack scanned the horizon. "Yeah...it would be really nice to know if anybody was home before we started setting up shop here on their back porch."

"Most cultures we've encountered have had some kind of settlement a reasonable distance from the Gate, Sir."

"Yeah... still..." He considered. "What say we bring some satellites through the gate and launch them into close orbit. That would get us a pretty good picture of the status of the rest of the planet, wouldn't it?"

"It would. I'll send word to General Hammond. It'll probably take a week or so to get everything together and disassembled enough to fit through the gate. Then another couple of days to reassemble here and launch. We should have a pretty complete picture at the end of two weeks." Jack's expression made it clear that this was not the timeframe he was willing to commit to this project. She revised her estimate. "If General Hammond authorizes overtime and additional manpower, we could probably trim that to eight or nine days."

"Let's go talk to George," Jack said quietly.

~~~

In the end, Hammond had seen the benefit of securing the planet quickly, thereby releasing SG-1 for other tasks and authorized the overtime and personnel. Jack couldn't do much to hurry this project along until the men and equipment started showing up on-planet. Then his task would be to gently prod the techie-types along in their re-assembly and launching of the satellites so that SG-1 could get the hell home. Back to a soft bed and a hard Daniel...

~~~

Jack's temper was well renowned in the SGC. He'd given Curtis a chance to get over his prejudice, and when the second incident happened, made no bones about why he was sending SG-15 home. There would be reprimand paperwork to fill out when he got back to the office, but bigotry and xenophobia had no place in an organization whose line of work involved meeting and making nice with alien cultures. SG-3 was still on hand to provide base perimeter security while they re-assembled the satellites. Jack had teams working around the clock to keep the time SG-1 had to be here to an absolute minimum. The fact that Lieutenant Garret remained to assist Daniel and the rest of the Dig Team was a slightly sore point, but there was nothing he could realistically do about that one.

He was pretty proud of himself and how he'd been handling working in Daniel's proximity. There had been no slip-ups to this point, and he'd only had to relieve himself once. So far. He'd been tempted to order Daniel to accompany him on a long day-hike on the pretext of widening their secure perimeter, but couldn't justify pulling the archeologist away from his primary duty when there was a surfeit of Marines who could've done the job more efficiently. Except that he didn't want to make love to any of the Marines. Just his archeologist.

God, this was hard, all this sitting around and doing nothing. He let himself remember the last time they'd been together, and the feeling of warmth and arousal that started in his groin and spread outward to engulf every cell of his being was breathtaking. He watched Daniel across the clearing as he stood on a scaffolding to better see the carvings near the top of an obelisk, and allowed himself to mentally undress him. His cock was hard and getting harder as he imagined the younger man naked, standing much as he was now. He imagined himself approaching him from behind, biting his shoulder, reaching around to grasp his cock in one hand while he pinched a nipple with the other hand. Daniel would throw his head back in ecstasy, exposing his luscious neck. Jack imagined himself licking and biting that neck as his cock probed the crack of Daniel's ass, searching for the heat and friction that would ease the craving he felt deep in the base of his balls.

Suddenly, Daniel turned and his gaze locked onto Jack's, eyes half-closed with pent-up desire. Jack was startled out of his fantasy and straightened unconsciously. Across the clearing, Daniel grinned and shook his head. Caught in the act, Jack looked around nervously to see if anyone else had noticed his mind wandering. To his enormous relief, everyone was apparently busy doing their jobs.

He cleared his throat and started toward the archeologist. He spotted Garrett and several members of the Dig Team across the structure, maybe twenty feet from where Daniel was. As he got closer, Daniel moved to sit on the scaffolding. This had the unfortunate side effect of putting Daniel's crotch at Jack's eye-level. He tried not to examine the curves in the BDUs where Daniel's package was. "Was I being that obvious?" he whispered, looking toward the horizon at nothing.

Daniel glanced around the clearing. "It doesn't look like it." He could barely keep from grinning.

"What made you turn around?"

"I felt you."

Jack squinted. "What?"

"I can't explain it any better than that. I felt you leering at me," he whispered.

"I wasn't leering, I was... " he searched his brain for a more appropriate word, but most of his body's blood supply had been diverted to his now-throbbing cock and he found his brain stunningly void of actual thought. "Alright, I was leering. Christ, Daniel, we gotta get out of here before my dick explodes..." he whispered urgently, eyes darting to the bulge in front of him.

"I know, I'm horny too," Daniel admitted softly. "This is taking a lot longer than I thought it would. How much longer till the satellites are ready to launch?"

"I don't know, I haven't poked them in-" he checked his watch. "Almost an hour. How are you and Garrett coming with translating this stuff?"

"Well, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't having trouble keeping my mind on my work. Do you think Hammond would give us some kind of R&R leave for 24 hours?"

"Probably. You ready to tell him why?"

Daniel's brow creased in a frown; the stubborn one, that included the squared off jaw. "No. I still think we can do this."

"You're a stubborn sonofabitch, you know that?"

Daniel nodded. "I suspect it's one of the reason's you love me," he whispered. "Now, get out of here, before I do something unfortunate." He scrambled back up the scaffolding and turned his back on the older man, trying to remember which line of text he'd been on moments ago.

"My god, you've got a beautiful ass..." Jack whispered as he walked away. Daniel smiled, but didn't turn around.

~~~

"If somebody doesn't give me good news today, I'm going to be one very unhappy camper," Jack threatened with strained patience, as he entered the Techie-tent. Felger grinned widely and walked toward him. Jack stiffened noticeably, fearing that the man might be inclined to hug him like the last time. "Folger," he said through clenched teeth.

"How's half an hour sound?"

"Half an hour?"

"Should be ready to launch the first one in about half an hour." He glanced around the tent. "The whole lot by dinnertime."

Jack's eyes narrowed. "Folger," he warned.

"Seriously," the scientist swore, crossing his chest in an exaggerated 'x'. "I'd never lie to you. Purposefully. Trust me. I really appreciate you giving me a -another-- second chance..."

As O'Neill was eyeing Felger suspiciously, he noticed Carter crossing the tent toward them. He looked to her for confirmation.

"He's right, sir. Jay's set up a kind of assembly line here, and we're really close to being done. The last one should go up around dinnertime and if we work through the night, we should have them all in position and tracking by breakfast tomorrow."

A small smile played across Jack's lips as he calculated that he and Daniel could be home in bed and sweaty by dinnertime tomorrow. He rubbed his hands together, thinking he could shave a couple of hours off that estimate. "What can I do to help?"

"Seriously?" Both Carter and Felger looked at each other, horrified at the prospect. "Nothing, Sir," she said taking his elbow and almost forcing him physically from the tent. "Just be your usual, supportive self, Sir."

He sniffed. "I can take a hint, Major."

"I'm glad, Sir," she smiled, pushing Felger behind her. "We need to get back to work now..."

"As you were, Major," Jack smiled. He sighed deeply and turned toward the monolith. He glanced at Daniel, squatting on the scaffolding, his BDUs dark at the waistband where sweat was pooling at his waist, his tan T-shirt riding up exposing the adorable dimples on either side of his spine just above the edge of his briefs. A warm feeling began spreading across his groin and he mentally slapped himself. 'I, Jonathan J. O'Neill, 771-62-0009, having been appointed a Colonel in the United States Air Force, do solemnly swear...' He strode across the clearing, muttering to himself and calculating the minutes till they were off this godforsaken world.

~~~

The energy readings -not any type previously encountered-rose, using a completely predictable curve until an apex of sorts was achieved, then fell precipitously to next to nothing. And repeated. The duration of the rise was a little over twenty-seven hours, the length of the day on this planet. They'd charted six of these so far, and were into the seventh iteration when Carter came to him to say that the last of the satellites was in orbit and reporting data.

"The satellites confirm no indigenous life on this planet beyond the small mammals, birds and reptiles we've encountered so far here in camp. The climate is relatively stable globally, with no more than a twenty-degree temperature variation, pole to pole. No obvious settlements, ruined or otherwise. For all intents and purposes, this planet is deserted, sir."

"And the energy structure?"

Carter shook her head. "Beats me, Colonel. And it kills me to have to admit that..."

O'Neill smiled. "I'll bet," he said softly. "You got any idea why somebody would go to all the trouble of erecting this thing and then not stick around?"

She shook her head again. "I don't know, Sir. Daniel's gotten most of the text translated, but still has no real idea of the builders' intent."

"Okay, before we blow this pop-stand, let's try my idea, okay?"

She looked at him skeptically. "Which is?"

"It's a puzzle box. A great big, Japanese puzzle box." He thumbed his mike. "Teal'c, come in."

"I am here, O'Neill."

"Get your great big Jaffa self down to the clearing, will ya? I've got an idea."

"Acknowledged."

Teal'c lumbered down the sharp hill with ease, coming to rest at O'Neill's left side. Carter assumed her post at his right. He adjusted his hat and shades against the persistent glare and moved toward the structure with them in tow. "Daniel--" he called out. The archeologist's head snapped up and he nodded when Jack motioned for him to fall in. Garrett started to follow him, but Jack waved her off. "You wait over there--"

He approached the one stone that was out of place in his theory and pointed. "T, you stand on this side of the obelisk, pushing here, Daniel, you're with me. Carter, tell us when we've got this thing lined up with the rest, okay?"

"Okay," she agreed skeptically, backing up to where she could see the outside edge of the stone compared to the others.

"Push on this corner," Jack directed Daniel, and they leaned their shoulders into the side opposite of the one Teal'c had. "Go!" he called out, leaning his weight into making the enormous stone move. He was keenly aware of Daniel's body next to him, and inhaled deeply the scent of his sweat, letting it fuel the suppressed need in him from so many days of proximity without resolution. He growled deep in his chest, hoping that it sounded like physical exertion and not the sexual aggression it really was. He heard Daniel's gasp and then his answering growl. The sound of rushing of blood was deafening to Jack's ears, and he nearly passed out, lightheaded. But the stone moved. "Again!" he shouted, regaining his feet and pushing again with all his might. All at once, the massive stone shifted and slipped back into place with the others.

"That's it!" Carter yelled. The men backed away from the stone as the noise started. A great, keening hum that was palpable. They covered their ears and backed even further away as the sound grew louder and the wind came up from out of nowhere. Teal'c fondled his staff weapon, ready to kill it if necessary.

Suddenly, the center of the structure crumbled and gave way and an enormous, painful light emerged from the ground, pulsing with life, piercing the sky. Carter ran for the Techie tent and came back with Felger and an armload of instruments.

She and Felger fiddled with one instrument after the other and then gave up. "It's not radiation, sir," she shouted over the din. "At least not a kind that I can measure. It's not like anything I've ever seen before."

"Harmful?" He shouted back.

"I don't know sir - I don't know what it is!"

"We must put the stone back, O'Neill," Teal'c rumbled in Jack's ear. Jack nodded agreement, motioning for Daniel to take the opposite position as before and push for all he was worth. Extremely motivated by the piercing sound, the men were able to wrest the obelisk from it's position and return it to the off-kilter 'off' position. The sound wound down and the wind stopped. Daniel and Jack slumped to the ground, leaning against the obelisk, gasping for breath. Teal'c looked a bit winded. Carter and Felger looked both scared and happy at the same time.

"You were right," Daniel gasped. "It's a puzzle box." He swallowed and coughed and shook his head. "Now the repeating phrase makes sense. 'Praecaveo caeco exanimo' "

"Which means?" Jack panted.

" 'Beware the blinding wind', near as I can figure."

"It was that," Jack agreed. "Carter, are we-" he motioned to the Geiger counter she held. She stepped closer to him and ran it across his reclining form, and then Daniel's.

"Nope. You're both clear." She ran it across Teal'c and got the readings she knew were usual for him and shook her head. "We're all good." Then she turned to Felger and they started walking back to the Techie tent, frantically exchanging theories.

"Oh Christ, she's in her element..." Jack complained, letting his head fall back against the cool stone. "We'll never get out of here..."

"Oh, let her play with it awhile, Jack," Daniel said, smiling. "The last week's been frustrating for her too."

Jack grumbled, and Teal'c came to sit beside them, staff weapon beside him on the dirt. "This has indeed been a stressful mission, O'Neill. More so due to the lack of contention for this apparently abundant power source."

"Is that roundabout Jaffa for 'wonder why the Goa'uld haven't found this place'?"

"Indeed."

"My thoughts exactly."

Just about then, SG-3 came thundering up en mass, guns drawn. They stopped a respectable distance, fanned out and crouched for cover. Collins called out. "Colonel O'Neill?"

"Stand down, Major," O'Neill answered. "We found the off-switch." Collins passed the word to his team and came up to where Jack was still reclined against the stone.

"Begging the Colonel's pardon, but-what the hell?"

Jack smiled. "I had a hunch and it panned out. Now that we've gotten it to work, I'm thinking that the SG-18 Engineers can come have their way with it and I can go home and take a nice long bath." He turned to his archeologist. "Let's go give Hammond the good news."

~~~

Billows of steam rose from the tub. Jack sat with his head resting against the faucet, slumped down so that most of him was submerged in the soapy water. Daniel sat opposite him, similarly slouched, his legs over Jack's, their butts barely touching. "Daniel... you asleep?" Jack whispered.

"Yes, Jack, I'm sound asleep..." Daniel murmured, eyes closed.

"Pretty cool how I wrangled us a week of downtime, huh?"

"Mmmmm," Daniel agreed.

"Now's our chance..."

Daniel opened one eye. "Chance?"

Jack grinned. "Locked in a room-don't come out till we're good and sore."

Daniel smiled and closed his eye again, enjoying the warm water as it moved over his chest in little waves. "If we've got enough lube, we shouldn't get too sore..."

"I love it when you talk dirty!"

"Was that talking dirty?" Daniel frowned.

"Well, not really, but I was hoping you'd start..." Jack said hopefully.

Daniel slid further into the water, bumping Jack's ass gently as he did so. "Are you horny again, Jack?"

Jack shifted a little and the head of his already erect cock poked through the bubbles. "Apparently."

Daniel eyed the organ appreciatively. "What did you have in mind?"

Jack shrugged. "I dunno... stuff."

"Is that your version of talking dirty?"

"Daniel, you know that's not easy for me..." he said, tickling Daniel's armpit with his toes.

The younger man giggled and pushed the offending foot away. "And that'll never change if you don't try to overcome it. Are you shy?"

Jack shrugged. "I dunno."

"With me?"

"In general."

Daniel's gaze softened. "We're about as close as two people can be. I would hope that would mean that we could talk openly with each other. Tell me what you want, Jack."

"Daniel, it's simple. We were off world for eight days and I couldn't touch you. I've got terminal blue ball here."

"Ja--ck, "

"Dan-iel,"

Daniel decided on a different tack. "How 'bout a massage?"

"Now you're talkin'!" Jack replied eagerly.

They rinsed off and retired to the bedroom. Daniel had Jack lay on his belly in the center of the bed. He straddled the older man, wantonly rubbing his balls along the crack of Jack's ass as he reached up to the nightstand to get the oil. He started with the older man's shoulders and upper arms. "Maybe I should've been more specific about what I wanted massaged..." Jack muttered into the bed.

"Yes, you should've," Daniel agreed. "But you were shy, remember? So I'll have to guess what you want."

"I'll give you a hint... it's on the other side..."

"Other side? Are you sure?"

"Dan-iel."

"Ja-ck." He continued to manipulate the muscles of Jack's back, but lessened the power behind his touch, caressing more than kneading, and stroked the length of his back ending in feathery touches to his ass.

"Mmmm..." Jack mumbled into the mattress.

Daniel shifted down until he straddled Jack's calves, and lowered himself gently until his lips were just above Jack's skin. He blew softly across the moistened skin and watched the Goosebumps rise. Then he lowered his lips and kissed the soft fleshy mound gently. "Ahhh..." Jack moaned. Daniel smiled, and began to nip the tender flesh, moving in large concentric circles around the rounded plane. He transferred to the other cheek and repeated the maneuver, kissing and licking and nipping gently until he arrived where he'd started. "Ohhh..." Jack breathed. Daniel took this as permission, and continued his oral search of Jack's bottom in ever closer circles until all that lay untouched by his mouth was the crease itself.

"Jack..." he whispered. "Are you okay?"

"God, yes..."

Daniel smiled, feeling bold. "I want to go further... I want to open you up, baby... I want to kiss you there... I want to taste your ass..."

"God, Danny, yes..."

Daniel shifted, moving Jack's legs apart. He sat, cross-legged, Jack's thighs across his knees, and supported the other man's hips with his hands. He could feel Jack's cock, rock-hard against his calves. Slowly, he moved his tongue from the top of the crack lower and lower until he found the puckered opening. He nudged it with his nose, and heard Jack gasp. He followed with his tongue, wide, flat and soft as if licking a popsicle. Jack moaned deep in his throat, a husky, feral, rutting sound. Daniel puckered up and placed tiny kisses along the area from the asshole to the perineum, and then returned to licking him. "Oh, baby you taste so good..." he whispered. "I love licking your ass... biting you..." he nipped gently the skin on either side of the opening and he felt Jack's cock twitch with each bite. "I want to go inside, baby... Can I put my tongue inside you?"

Jack moaned again... "I'm gonna come, Danny..."

"Jack... do you want me to put my tongue inside you?"

"Yes...""Say it..."

"Oh god yes... put your tongue in my ass, Danny...!"

"MMMmmmm..." Daniel said, thrusting his tongue into Jack's ass, slowly at first and then faster as he felt Jack's hips buck, thrusting his cock against Daniel's legs. He pulled the cheeks apart and forced his tongue deeply into the puckered opening as far as he could and held onto Jack's ass as he came.

When the sensations had died down, he moved up so that he was laying spooned up behind Jack. He covered them with the sheet and put his arm around him, kissing his shoulder. "Jack...." The older man remained quiet. Daniel rolled him onto his back, but Jack turned his head away, closing his eyes. "Ja-ck... look at me..."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I feel so ashamed..."

"Why?" When no answer was forthcoming, Daniel turned his lover's chin, forcing Jack to open his eyes. "Why are you ashamed?"

"I shouldn't have made you do that... it's disgusting-""It's not disgusting. And you didn't make me do it, I wanted to do it."

"Daniel, don't-"

"Don't what? Tell you how turned on I am?" He took Jack's hand and placed it on his cock. "Feel that? I almost came with you... I wanted to kiss you there, Jack. I loved it. You loved it. It was an incredibly intimate experience... I feel so close to you right now, please don't spoil it. I wouldn't have done it if I didn't want to... I want to give you pleasure because I love you so much..." He kissed Jack then, lightly, his eyes never leaving his lover's; Jack's lips were hard, unyielding.

There was beseeching in Daniel's gaze, and Jack felt it and honored it. "I love you, Danny..." he whispered, kissing him back, fully this time. Boldly unafraid and with full knowledge of where those incredible lips and tongue had just been. "When I get like that... It's like I'm crazy..."

"Like what?"

"You know-" Daniel let out an exasperated breath and flopped onto his back. Jack winced, knowing what Daniel wanted, but unsure if he could bring himself to do it, to say the words. "Danny..."

"Jack."

"God this is hard... Okay..." He closed his eyes and plunged in. "When I'm hot... horny... I can't seem to control... my desires... anything seems okay to do... even..."

When he didn't finish the thought, Daniel prodded. " 'Even'?"

"I almost asked you to... y'know..." Daniel turned his head and fixed his eyes on Jack's but didn't speak. Waiting. Jack sighed and closed his eyes. "I thought about what it would be like if you... were inside me..."

Daniel realized just how difficult it was for Jack to say even that much. So he met him more than halfway. He turned so that they were facing each other and threw his right leg over Jack's hip, pulling their bodies close. He waited for Jack to open his eyes before he spoke. "I have to tell you that you have an incredibly unhealthy attitude about sex," he said gently. "It's a drag knowing that as soon as you climax you're going on some kind of guilt trip, leaving me high and dry and emotionally alone in the bed." Jack tried to look away, but their physical proximity made that impossible, for Daniel's leg kept him fully anchored and unable to escape. The time had come to face the music and Jack was afraid of what he'd find, buried in his subconscious.

"We have a week together, Jack. This seems as good a time as any to get this out in the open where we can learn to deal with it together. Your proverbial 'locked in a room and not come out till we're good and sore,' if you will."

"I meant physically sore," Jack whispered.

Daniel kissed his forehead. "I know, baby, but this is too important to ignore anymore. This is us. For the rest of our lives, us. We need to find out what's keeping you from fully participating in our relationship. If you don't want to talk about it with me, do you want to make an appointment with McKenzie?"

"Can't do that, Daniel, he's Air Force."

"Right. How about a private psychologist? We could go together under assumed names."Jack tightened his hold on Daniel. "No. Just us."

Daniel sighed. "You know, my counselor at UCLA wanted me to minor in Psychology, but I didn't listen. Wish I had, now." He stroked Jack's hair absently and wondered how to begin. "We can try and do this alone, Jack, but you have to promise me something."

"What?"

"You have to be honest with me. You can't worry about whether or not something you say will hurt my feelings. You have to understand that if this gets rough, that I'm not attacking you; I'm trying to help. This could get... uncomfortable for both of us, but we have to be committed to getting this out in the open so that we can deal with it and move on." He looked into Jack's eyes. "No holds barred. Deal?"

Jack tried to smile. "Deal."

Daniel took a deep breath. He decided that they'd start immediately, here in Jack's bed. He hoped that their physical proximity would help Jack feel safe enough to open up. Their nudity was a clichéd metaphor for stripping the soul bare. He prayed that it was the right thing to do. "Tell me about your parents..."

~~~

They'd covered most of Jack's childhood and early school years without much difficulty, and decided that it would be a good time to break for a shower and lunch. After the shower, Daniel insisted that they remain nude as they ate lunch and continued their discussion. They sat, cross-legged, facing each other on the bed.

"What made you decide on the Air Force as a career?" Daniel asked.

Jack shrugged. "When I was a kid, I loved airplanes; always wanted to fly. In high school, I knew I'd be drafted eventually, and I wanted a choice. My mom called an old friend of hers and I got an appointment to the Academy. Almost washed out in my third year, though. I was a terrible student. I tried hard, but I had absolutely no ability to focus. I would've probably been diagnosed as ADHD if they'd even heard of that back then. Al Jenner, third generation in his family to attend the Academy; he's the reason I passed Chemistry. Never would've graduated without his help. He was a brain, like you and Carter. Everything came easy to him."

"I tutored some in my junior year, for spending money. Was Al tutoring other cadets?"

"No. Just me. I offered to pay him for his time, but he refused. Said he just wanted to be my friend. He didn't have a lot of friends as I recall... He'd spend hours prepping me for each test. God, he was so patient."

"You two must've been close."

"Just friends," Jack said without thinking. Daniel caught the reference, but said nothing. Jack got up then, and started rummaging through the bookshelf.

"What are you looking for?"

"Here it is," he said, producing four dark blue volumes. "Yearbooks."

Daniel smiled. "This I have to see..." Jack flipped through the first one and handed the book to Daniel, open to the 1st year photos. Daniel whistled. "My god you're beautiful," he said appreciatively.

"Hell, Daniel, everybody looks good in dress whites," Jack said modestly, flipping through the 4th year book. "No picture here..." he muttered.

"Huh? You're not in the last one?"

"No, I'm in here, but Al's not..." He picked up the 3rd year book and started flipping the pages until he came upon Al's photograph. Daniel leaned over and looked at the picture. The cadet was not smiling, but his expressive blue eyes peered into the camera through large, round glasses.

"Didn't he graduate?"

"I don't remember..." Jack mused, a far-away look in his eye.

"You didn't keep in touch with him? Where'd he end up?"

"I don't know. I haven't thought about Al in... thirty years." He got up and pulled an address book off the desk and flipped some pages. He grabbed the cordless and punched in some numbers. "Yeah, Smitty. Jack O'Neill. How ya been? I heard about that-that's great, plum assignment! Nothin' much, paperwork, mostly. Listen, I was just flipping through some dusty Academy yearbooks and came across a name I'll bet you remember. Albert Jenner, skinny as a rail, glasses, remember? Whatever happened to him?" He chuckled. "No, man, I don't. Must be having a senior moment, or something--" As he continued to listen, his smile faded completely. He became still, all the animation leaving his eyes. When he spoke again, his voice was flat, emotionless. "Oh that's right....... I guess I'd forgotten...... Yeah, it is... Yeah, we sure should. When I get back in town, I'll give you a call and we'll get some of the old gang together and have a few. You too, Smitty. Thanks." He punched the connection closed and tossed the phone on the bed.

Jack's bearing told Daniel that they might've stumbled onto something, but he didn't push. Jack pulled open a dresser drawer and pulled on some jeans and a shirt. "I gotta go..." he said, walking out of the bedroom.

"Jack- where are you going? Do you want company?"

"I just need to be alone for a little while..." And he closed the front door. Daniel didn't hear the truck engine, so he figured Jack had decided to take a walk to clear his head.

~~~

When the door opened, Daniel was sitting sideways on the couch watching TV. He turned it off and turned his head to smile at Jack, but didn't say anything.

Jack slumped down into the chair across the room. "Guess this is where you ply me with liquor and make me do that talking thing, right?"

Daniel's smile was sad. "Sometimes listening is more important than talking. Sometimes your body language speaks volumes. Would you rather be alone tonight?"

"No. No, I want you to stay."

Daniel sat forward, hands clasped together. "I'd like to put my arms around you, but I don't know if that's what you need right now."

"Not yet." A long silence stretched between them. Daniel waited until Jack was ready to start. "So. This answers a lot of questions, I guess. How did you know the answer was there?"

"I didn't."

"I'd've been happier not knowing."

"Are you sure about that?"

Jack looked up at him for the first time since he got home. "Yes. This is ugly. I pushed it out of my mind for a reason, Daniel."

"Remembering might be painful, Jack, but not understanding why this is affecting large parts of your life isn't helping you. Or us."

"I don't see how this is supposed to be helping anything."

"That's because you haven't finished working it out. You've remembered the catalyst, but you don't know how it's affected you the last thirty years of your life, probably coloring every decision, every choice you've ever made. Thirty years, Jack; that's more than half your lifetime. It's going to take more than two hours to fully integrate this into who you are."

"What if I don't want to?"

Daniel took a deep breath and let it out. "It's part of your life experience, Jack. Living through this has made you the man you are. And like it or not, I don't think you'll be able to push it out of your mind again. Every time you look at me, you're going to see him." Daniel let that sit for a moment before he said softly, "I'm going to let you have some space tonight; I don't want to crowd you." He detoured to Jack's chair on his way out and kissed the top of Jack's head. "I'll call you tomorrow," he promised.

~~~

Jack was still sitting in the chair when his cell rang the next morning. Hadn't bothered to eat. Hadn't even tried to sleep. He pulled the phone out of his pocket and winced when he saw the incoming number. "Hey," Daniel said energetically.

He must be on his third cup of coffee to already be so cheerful, Jack thought. "Yeah, Daniel. Listen, I'm thinking about sleeping in today--"

Daniel was undeterred. "I bought donuts. Raspberry filled, your favorite."

"That was really thoughtful, Daniel, but-" He heard the doorbell ring and took that as an easy way to end the uncomfortable conversation with Daniel. "-there's somebody at the door, Daniel, I've got to go. I'll call you later." He closed the phone and opened the front door.

"Miss me?" Daniel said, holding out the box of donuts.

"That was sneaky," Jack frowned.

"Yeah, I know. But I had a feeling you'd try and brush me off." He pushed past Jack into the living room. "I brought real coffee too," he said, setting the box on the coffee table. He took note of the fact that other than being barefoot, Jack was in the same clothes he'd been in the night before after the call to Smitty.

"I've got coffee," Jack countered.

"No, you have freeze-dried brown stuff that has only the vaguest recollection of ever having had aspirations of once having been a coffee bean." He took the lid off one of the cups and passed it under Jack's nose. "Smell that... heaven, right?" He didn't wait for Jack to answer, just pushed the cup into his hand. "Speaking of heaven, do you know there's no coffee in Oma Desala-land? Really missed that." He sat on the couch and sipped his coffee.

"Daniel..."

"Yes?"

"I don't know that I'm ready to talk yet."

"Okay. We'll just hang."

"I thought you weren't going to crowd me.""I didn't."

"This is feeling a little crowded," Jack insisted.

Daniel nodded, sipping the hot beverage. "I can see where it might. On the other hand, I'm feeling optimistic that we can gain some ground on this thing, and I don't want you to start building another wall around it rather than finally dealing with it after all this time." He set his coffee down and went to stand next to his lover. "I love you," he whispered.

Jack searched his eyes and nodded, pulling the younger man into his arms. "Don't leave me..." he pleaded into Daniel's neck.

Daniel hugged back, hard. "I won't baby, I promise. We'll do this together." He pulled away and kissed the older man. "Now let's eat. Doctor's orders."

Jack looked vaguely amused. "Yes, 'Doctor'." Daniel grinned. They ate in companionable silence until most of the donuts were gone. "You want another one?" Jack said through a mouthful of raspberry-filled donut.

"I'm stuffed. Go ahead." He watched Jack devour the next-to-last pastry eagerly, confirming his hypothesis that Jack probably hadn't bothered to eat any dinner after he'd left last night. He drained the last of his coffee and pushed the low table toward the fireplace. He kicked off his shoes and socks and took a seat on the floor. He looked up at Jack and extended his hand.

Jack popped the last of the donut in his mouth and wiped his powdery fingers on the butt of his jeans. He took the offered hand and sat facing his lover on the floor. "I don't know if I can do this..."

Daniel smiled warmly. "Wanna get naked and talk in bed?"

"If we get naked, I may want to do other things."

Daniel frowned. "Like what?"

"Dan-iel..."

How could two syllables hold so much implication? "Ja-ck..."

"You're impossible," Jack complained, smiling.

"On the contrary, Colonel O'Neill, I am very... very possible," he teased.

"Stop that.""Stop what?"

"That--that thing you do with your lips..." Daniel cocked his head sideways waiting for a further explanation. "The thing that makes me want to bite your pouty lip..."

"I don't pout," Daniel protested.

"The hell you don't," Jack insisted.

"Are you getting hard, Jack?"

"What's it to ya?"

"Just curious. I really like it when you bite my neck, Jack. We should try the lip-biting next time and see what happens--"

"Are you getting hard, Daniel?"

He grinned. "What's it to ya?"

Jack scooted closer to the younger man and took both his hands and placed them on the crotch of his jeans. "Can we...?"

"Can we what?" At Jack's exasperated expression, he grabbed Jack's hands and put them on his own crotch. "It excites me to hear you say what you want to do. This is what happened when you said you wanted to bite me. Tell me what you want to do to me, Jack..."

Jack's erection was making him bold. He decided that if there was ever a time to jump in with both feet that he'd have to start when he was already horny. Like now. "I want to lay you out right here," he whispered, trying hard to keep his eye contact from wavering out of embarrassment. He went with the pictures in his head and hoped Daniel wouldn't see him as some kind of freak. "I want to impale that last donut on your cock and then eat it off you-"

Daniel gasped, mindful of how suddenly warm it was in the room, and how terribly constrained he felt in his clothes. "Yes... I want you to do that..."

Jack grinned, and advanced on Daniel, pushing him gently on the floor and laying on top of him as they kissed. His hand found Daniel's zipper and he opened it, letting his cock out into the air. He was already rock-hard. He squeezed it and Daniel's back arched.

"Clothes-" Daniel gasped. "Too many clothes..."

"Let me..." Jack offered, helping Daniel slide out of his jeans and shirt. He rid himself of his clothes as well and then straddled Daniel full length but supporting himself on his arms, just barely letting the skin of their chests touch. Their cocks sparred, responding to the feather-light stimulation, and both men moaned. Jack reached over Daniel's head and secured the final donut. Seating himself next to his lover, he held Daniel's cock at the base with one hand and buried it in his mouth all the way down to the root. Daniel responded vocally to the oral stimulation by moaning loudly. Jack's cock twitched at the sound of his lover's obvious pleasure. Now slippery with saliva, it was a simple matter to find the entrance point of the donut's filling and slide it onto the stiffened organ, cool red filling oozing out as the cock displaced it. "You look good enough to eat, Danny," Jack said, his voice gravelly with desire.

"Eat me, baby..." Daniel replied lustfully.

Jack smiled ferally and began nibbling at the donut as it bobbed with the twitching of Daniel's cock. Soon, all that was left was the gooey filling. Jack re-positioned himself between Daniel's legs and began to lick Daniel's cock slowly, pausing every so often to whisper, "You taste so good, Danny... I love eating your cock... I wanna taste your cum..." After each utterance, Daniel's hips thrust and he moaned with mounting desire.

"Jack-oh god... fuck me with your mouth..."

Jack gathered up a large blob of raspberry filling that had escaped into Daniel's pubic hair and pushed Daniel's legs further open with his elbow. He smeared the slippery substance on Daniel's anus and began to push gently into his lover's body with his finger, as he continued to suckle at his cock. Daniel's hips bucked at this prime contact and Jack felt the sphincter loosen to allow him inside.

"Yes... yes... inside me..."

"You're so beautiful when you're ready to come, Danny... I want to make you come with my mouth... my mouth on your cock... my mouth on your balls... my mouth on your ass..." He slurped and licked Daniel all over, stimulating nerve endings and leaving a trail of fire in his wake. He scrunched down on his belly and pushed his face in between Daniel's cheeks even as he began stroking his cock with his left hand. He found the raspberry sauce and licked at it. Daniel gasped at the intimate contact. "Danny..." Jack gasped. "You've got raspberry in your ass... I want to suck it out..."

"Yes! Oh god, baby... suck my ass..."

Jack moved further into the crease of Daniel's ass, as the younger man instinctively lifted his hips to give him better access to his hole. Jack swirled his tongue around the puckered opening, stimulating this most sensitive area, then licked and sucked hard as he pumped Daniel's cock with his spit-slicked hand. It was only moments before Daniel came, growling and thrusting into Jack's hand. As the pulsing in his cock died down, Jack moved up and started licking up all of Daniel's spilled seed, finding that the scent of it made his dick even harder. Daniel pushed him away when the sensations finally became too intense.

"You like?" Jack asked Daniel who lay sticky and panting on the floor.

Daniel smiled and pulled Jack down for a deep kiss. "Oh god, yes... you were fantastic!" Both men knew that he wasn't only referring to the tongue work. "I love it when you talk..." Daniel whispered, smiling and kissing Jack's mouth, still sticky with raspberry and his own cum. "It turns me on to taste myself in your mouth..."

Jack's cock flared and he pushed it against Daniel's hip. "Oh good, cuz I need some help, here..."

Daniel grinned. "Where would you like to put your cock, baby?"

Jack inhaled sharply, finally understanding what Daniel meant about the power of words. "I want to fuck you, Danny... I want to fill your ass up with my cum..." He registered his lover's approving smile before he devoured the pouting lips. "Don't go away..." He got up, barely feeling the creaking in his knees, and retrieved the lube from the bedroom.

"Jack-" Daniel said seductively.

"MMMmmm?" Jack had squeezed out some lube into his hand and was working it onto his first two fingers.

"Can we try something different?"

Jack's face lit up as he pushed gently into Daniel's ass with his slippery finger. The younger man's eyes closed and he moaned at the feeling of fullness in his ass. He squeezed his ass muscles deliberately, milking Jack's finger. "Ooooh... that's pretty cool," Jack acknowledged, grinning and slipping a second finger inside his lover. "What did you have in mind?"

Daniel's eyes were half-closed, enjoying the finger-play in his ass, and his cock was beginning to show renewed interest in the next event. "I want you to take me from behind... over there..." he pointed at the mirror in the foyer.

Jack grinned and rotated his wrist so that it was palm up. He pushed in slowly until his knuckles bumped Daniel's ass. When the younger man gasped, he knew he'd found it. "Whatever you say, Danny."

They relocated, Daniel leaning forward on the table by the mirror, and Jack standing behind him. The posture was vaguely reminiscent of his fantasy at the dig site, and Jack was hugely turned on. There was the added feature of being able to see Daniel's reflection in the mirror as he fucked him. Jack grasped Daniel's hips in both hands and guided his cock into Daniel's ass. Daniel bit his lip as he entered him and his eyes rolled back in his head. "Oh... Jack... it feels so good to have your cock in my ass... I feel so full..."

The talking was almost too much. The words and the reflection and the feel of the younger man around his cock. "Danny... you're so hot... and tight..." Daniel squeezed his anal muscles again and Jack groaned. "I wonder how long I can be inside you before I need to start pounding my cock into your ass..."

Daniel opened his eyes and met Jack's wanton gaze. He ran his hands across his own chest and pulled at one of his nipples. His right hand continued down to his cock, and he began stroking himself slowly. "Do you like to watch me pleasure myself, Jack?"

Jack swallowed hard and wiggled his hips, pushing his cock even deeper into Daniel's ass. "Yes... oh god, yes..." He released Daniel's hips and he ran his own hands across Daniel's chest. He pulled Daniel's upper body back so that he could reach the younger man's neck with his mouth and he nibbled and licked and then sucked hard, forming a deep red bruise on the back of his neck. Daniel moaned and squeezed his cock harder.

"Danny..." Jack gasped, seeing that he'd marked Daniel and that for some reason, this was an incredibly stimulating notion, felt his cock flare and his hips started thrusting of their own accord. "I have to fuck you now-"

Daniel leaned forward on his left forearm and met Jack's gaze in the mirror. "Fuck me baby, give it to me hard-" Below the level of the table, he began stroking his cock in time to Jack's powerful thrusts inside him, and within seconds, both men came to mind-shattering climaxes.

~~~

They lay across the bed, still damp from the shower, limbs intertwined and lazily stroking each other's bodies simply for the tactile sensation. "I could sleep..." Jack murmured.

Daniel manipulated the covers so that they wouldn't get chilled, and squeezed the soft tempting mound of Jack's ass next to him. "So sleep..."

"'kay... g'nite..."

"Goodnight, lover," Daniel whispered.

~~~

It was almost dark. Daniel knew that because when he cracked his eye open, he still couldn't see much. He felt something warm tickling his left ear, followed by gentle kisses just beneath it. He smiled and purred his pleasure. "Mmmm."

The kisses became more insistent and moved around his neck toward his throat. He stretched his head back to accommodate the kisser and let the feathery feelings wash over him with warmth that settled in his groin. "Ja-ck..." he murmured. "What are you up to?"

"About six foot two in bare feet," came the breathless answer, followed by more sloppy kisses, now trailing along his collarbone and headed for his shoulder. "I can't seem to stop..."

Daniel laughed softly. "Oh, I'm not asking you to stop, just trying to figure out where you're headed is all..."

Jack pulled back, leaning on his elbows, and considered his lover. "I woke up with the weirdest feeling... Like I wanted to run or scream or-I dunno, something."

"Heart attack?" Daniel asked, only partially kidding.

Jack frowned. "No. Bigger. Like I was going to explode if I didn't bleed off some of this energy..."

Daniel smiled. "Joy?"

Jack's eyes got wide. "That's it! Joy! What an awesome feeling!" He looked back at Daniel. "Do you have it too?"

"No. Different," he said quietly.

"Not joy?" He looked disappointed.

Daniel shook his head and cupped Jack's cheek with long, slender fingers. He let himself slide into the soft mocha eyes above him. "I'm feeling a lot of things right now," he whispered. "If I had to pick just one word to describe them, I'd say... belonging."

Jack smiled. "As in 'belonging to each other'? "

"Yeah. Like that."

"That's not a bad feeling," Jack replied, his eyes smiling.

"No," Daniel whispered, trying hard to control the tears he felt welling up in his eyes. "It's just... not something I've ever felt before. With anyone." He searched Jack's face, open and unlined with worry or shame. "You were fantastic..."

"Yeah, it was pretty great," Jack said, kissing him gently. "I so get the thing about talking now..." The older man found it incredibly erotic to hear graphic descriptions of sexual acts come from the normally shy and innocent-looking linguist. And just knowing that he could evoke that kind of reaction in his lover was a huge turn-on for him.

Daniel smiled. Part of him knew that these budding feelings were still in grave danger from the weight of Jack's past. He said a silent prayer that they'd be successful in removing this obstacle to their happiness without their fragile new relationship collapsing around them. Bravely, he met Jack's eyes and asked the dreaded question. "Are you okay?"

"Sure."

"With what we did?"

"Very, very okay."

"Is that right? Do you mind if I check something?" Daniel asked, reaching under the covers. His hand found Jack's hard cock immediately.

"That doesn't prove anything."

"Yes it does," Daniel said, disappointed, but not surprised.

"Oh yeah? What?"

"That you're not being honest with me. Or with yourself."

Jack frowned. "How do you figure?"

"Because you're always alright with the sex while you're aroused. It's afterward, when your libido isn't active that the self-loathing comes into play."

"You analyze too much."

"And you're being deceitful."

"That's rude."

"No, that's accurate." Daniel sat up and faced Jack, rolling him onto his back. "Tell me about Al Jenner."

"I'm not ready to go there," Jack said, dismissing him.

"It's time to go there," Daniel insisted. "It's your third year at the Academy and you're flunking out of chemistry. Al's good at chemistry." He used the present tense deliberately.

"Daniel-"

"Jack," the younger man said sternly. His resolute gaze left no possibility for negotiation on the matter. "Third year. Al's good at chemistry."

Jack looked resigned. "Al's good at everything."

"He offers to help you-"

"No. I ask for his help."

"Why him?"

"What?""Is he the only one you can ask for help?"

"Yes. No."

"Which?"

"There's a girl in the class who's doing pretty well. I could ask her I guess."

"Why don't you ask her?

"It's just not done. Women at the Academy are outsiders. A Constitutional necessity everyone tries to ignore."

"And you don't want to have to admit that a woman's smarter than you."

"I guess."

"So you ask Al."

"Yeah."

"Is he anxious to help you?"

"Hell no. He tries to talk me out of it. Offers to do my homework for me instead."

"But that'll break the code of honor, won't it?"

"Yeah."

"Why do you think he'd risk breaking the code rather than tutor you?"

"I don't know," he whispered.

"But you know now." Jack just nodded. "Why?" Jack just shook his bowed head. "Say it," Daniel commanded softly.

Jack took a deep breath which caught in his throat. "He's in love with me," he whispered.

Daniel gritted his teeth and kept going. "Does he tell you that?"

"No. Not right away."

"But you should've seen it..."

"Yeah. Apparently everyone else did... I don't want to do this any more," Jack said, moving to get out of the bed.

Daniel grabbed his arm. "Jack-"

He shook off Daniel's grip. "No, Daniel. I know all I need to know. The rest doesn't matter."

"I beg to differ," Daniel snapped. "The rest is what's here in this bed between us." He glared at Jack, daring him to disagree with him.Jack stiffened, ready to argue with him; but the truth of his statement could not be ignored. He dropped his head into his hands, defeated. "You're right."

Daniel stroked Jack's hair and shoulders and started back in. "So you study together."

Jack nodded. "For the final."

"In the lab."

"Sometimes."

"And in your dorm room."

"No."

"Why not?"

"My roommate's noisy."

"Al's roommate's quiet?"

"He doesn't have a roommate."

"You study in his dorm room, the two of you. Alone."

"Yes," Jack whispered.

Daniel hoped he'd go on by himself, but as the silence dragged on, he knew he'd have to continue to drag it out of him. "And?"

"And I pass the chem final," Jack whispered. When Daniel didn't say anything, Jack looked up. The expression on the younger man's face spoke volumes, and Jack suddenly realized that this was probably every bit as hard for Daniel to hear as it was for him to remember. "Nothing happened."

Daniel nodded, his lips pressed into a thin line of emotional control. He pressed on. "And you're grateful to him."

"Yeah. I ask him if he'll help me with physics next year."

"And he agrees?"Jack nodded. "He suggests that we sign up to room together to make things easier."

"How do you feel about that?"

Jack shrugged. "I don't have a problem with it."

"You still don't know he's attracted to you?" Jack shook his head. "None of your friends kid you about your relationship with Al?"

"I have a girlfriend. And something of a temper. They wouldn't dare."

"What happens in your last year?" Jack didn't answer right away. Daniel tried hard to be patient, to give him space. They were so close to it. He touched Jack on the arm and the older man looked up, eyes filled with unnamed pain. "I love you," Daniel said slowly, truthfully. "Nothing can change that."

Jack nodded imperceptibly, and when he spoke, it was in a whisper, eyes cast down into his lap. "We're studying for mid-terms. I smuggle a couple of six-packs into the room. We've both had a few too many I guess..." He closed his eyes then, and Daniel suspected that Jack could see the event unfolding in his mind. Jack's confession had painted a picture clear enough for even Daniel to see, although he would've given anything not to. "...we start wrestling, and one thing leads to another..." Jack squeezed his eyes tighter against images too real and painful to have been thirty years in the past, but bravely continued. "The next thing I know, he's telling me he loves me and he's..." The older man swallowed hard before continuing. "... he's kissing me..."

Daniel tried hard to keep his face expressionless as he was flooded with blind jealous rage. He wanted to scream, to lash out. To beat the crap out of Al Jenner for taking advantage of Jack all those years ago. For ruining what he wanted to have with Jack now. He fought to get his rage under control before he spoke. He hoped his voice didn't betray him. "What do you do?"

"I'm so surprised, I don't know what to do. I just look at him. Suddenly all the little things made sense." He hung his head and his voice was so soft, Daniel would've missed it if he hadn't been looking at Jack's lips when he spoke. "I kiss him back..."

This admission was like a knife in Daniel's heart. He wasn't Jack's first. It was a petty thing, but it was huge. It unbalanced them, somehow; gave Jack an advantage. And it took something precious from Daniel. He wanted to cry, to mourn. But he couldn't leave Jack balanced on the precipice of his own pain. He told himself he'd cry later.

"I don't know how..." Jack was sobbing softly now, and Daniel could tell he was struggling to get the words out. "...took my clothes off... we-there's touching..." Tears were streaming down his cheeks, but the older man made no effort to brush them away, if he even noticed them. "... he starts to go down on me--" His voice broke, and a soft moan escaped his tear-streaked lips; his shoulders shaking with the anguish of decades of denial.

"Jack... baby... we have to finish this," Daniel whispered, hoping Jack couldn't hear the tears in his own voice.

"I murdered him--" Jack sobbed, burying his face in Daniel's lap. "Oh god, Danny... I murdered him..."

'Shock', Daniel thought. 'I must be in shock...I couldn't have heard it right...' "Jack--"

The older man tore himself away from Daniel's grasp and ran into the bathroom. Daniel heard Jack retching for what seemed like a really long time. After the sounds had faded, but the older man didn't emerge from the bathroom, Daniel knocked on the door. "Jack..." When there was no answer, he opened the door. Jack lay sprawled on the floor, eyes closed. Daniel could tell from his breathing that he'd fallen asleep, so he pulled him over his shoulders fireman-style and carried him back to the bed. He made Jack comfortable and went to make some tea.

He sat alone in the dark, sipping the tea, Jack's words echoing in his head. 'Oh god, Danny... I murdered him...' Daniel didn't want to believe that Jack had been capable of killing Al Jenner for his sexual advances toward him, especially when it seemed that Jack had welcomed them. The heavy, sordid lump that formed in the pit of Daniel's stomach told him that he had to acknowledge both truths. One, that Jack was indeed capable of taking human life; Daniel had witnessed that himself many times over the course of their history together. Other, vaguer references of 'damned distasteful things' in Jack's past made Daniel certain that it was at least possible. The other, more personal reality was that Jack had some level of prior homosexual experience before he and Daniel had become lovers. And it was this truth that broke Daniel's heart. He cried softly in the dark.

~~~

"Got any more of that?" Jack asked quietly.

Daniel sniffed. "Yeah. I'll warm it up for you." He moved past Jack in the dark house and into the kitchen. Jack sat heavily on the couch where Daniel had just been, settling into the spot warmed by Daniel's body. He accepted the offered cup gratefully and Daniel sat beside him, but made no move to speak.

Jack sipped the tea and took Daniel's hand in the dark. "Do you still love me?" he asked softly.

Daniel squeezed Jack's hand. "Nothing can change that," he whispered. He was glad that Jack couldn't see his red, swollen eyes.

Jack squeezed back, more grateful than he had words to express. "I guess we should finish this thing once and for all so we can put it behind us, huh?"

Daniel nodded mutely, not sure that he was strong enough for any more pain tonight, but knowing that he couldn't live another minute without clarification. Jack continued from where he'd left off in the bedroom, his voice tired and his features drawn. "Al told me that he'd loved me since second year, but knew I was straight. Spending so much time together had been a mixed blessing for him; he said he used to pretend that I felt the same way about him... and that all he could think about was what it would be like to kiss me... before I knew it, he was."

"Did you tell him 'no'?" Daniel asked hopefully. Jack shook his head. "You were drunk...?" Daniel whispered.

Jack sipped the tea and continued. "No. I can't blame the beer; even then, I had a pretty high tolerance for the stuff."

"Pot? Pills? Are you sure he didn't give you something?" Daniel was looking for a way to blame this on Al.

Jack shook his head solemnly. "No. I knew what I was doing... I was stunned by what he did, but it wasn't... horrible. I guess I was curious..."

"You wanted him?"

"At that moment, I did." Tears streamed silently down Daniel's face, but Jack didn't see. He was busy looking into the depths of his tea cup, remembering. "Somehow while we were kissing, all our clothes came off and... things started to get serious." His voice was strangely detached, as if describing someone else's actions. "He took me in his mouth... it was different than when my girlfriend would do that." Jack drained his cup of the tea and set the empty cup on the coffee table. "And then the fire alarm went off."

Daniel's head snapped up. "What?"

Jack shrugged. After all theses years, to remember the details in all their exquisite pain and clarity, was sapping the life straight out of him. He didn't even try to meet Daniel's astonished gaze. "Somebody pulled the fire alarm. Al wanted... to finish me, but by then everybody was thundering down the halls and it wasn't... I dunno, we threw some pants on and ran out with everyone else."

For Daniel, it was a small reprieve really, Jack's not climaxing, but he held onto it with all his heart, as Jack continued. "Standing there half-naked in the freezing rain... nobody was where they were supposed to be. Some jackass behind us from another dorm was making stupid 'fag' remarks and directing them toward Al, taunting him. Telling him he was a deviant, sick... perverted. He just stood there and took it. Wouldn't defend himself, deny it, nothing. I was petrified; I couldn't do anything. Asshole might as well have been talking about me... I should've said something; shut him up somehow, decked him... something. I didn't stand up for Al... he just took it, the insults. I guess he was used to it."

Jack got up and crossed to the back door and looked out at the moonlit backyard. "When they signaled the all-clear, I didn't go back to our room. I couldn't."

"Why?"

Jack shrugged. "I was embarrassed. By what we'd almost done; what I'd wanted to do. Things that jackass had said." He bowed his head in shame. "By my own cowardice. I left the grounds, went to my girlfriend's place. Fucked her into the mattress... until I couldn't feel him anymore. By morning, I decided that I'd put in for a new room assignment. I went by our room, figuring he'd be in class at that time and I could get some of my stuff..."

Jack's shoulders started shaking and Daniel knew he was crying. He went to him in time to catch the older man as he slumped to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. Daniel wrapped his arms around Jack as tightly as he could and held him as he sobbed into his chest. His own tears fell uninterrupted and he rubbed his dripping nose on the shoulder of his shirt. "I love you, Jack..." He made no effort to hide his tears now. He wanted the older man to know he would stand by him whatever came next.

Jack looked up into Daniel's eyes, and the pain in his soul was deep. "He was dead, Danny... he'd hanged himself in his closet..." he sobbed.

Daniel's shock was evident. "But you said--"

"When I didn't come back, he figured I was gonna 'out' him. They would've booted him out of the Academy. He was the third generation in his family to go... they were influential people... he couldn't live with the shame," he sobbed. "It's my fault--"

"No," Daniel said sternly. "It is not your fault. Al could've waited until you came back; talked to you. You wouldn't've 'outted' him, would you?"

"No. I just didn't want... to be tempted again. To lose my career..."

Daniel pulled Jack's chin up firmly, forcing Jack to meet his eyes. "He made a choice, Jack. He took a risk, seducing you. And he couldn't live with the result-"

Jack sniffed, rubbing his nose on his sleeve. "His note said... he understood why I rejected him... he apologized... said he still loved me..." Jack clutched at Daniel as if falling into some horrible pit of despair. "I burned it--" he started sobbing again, releasing the pain, so long denied and forgotten. Daniel shifted into a more comfortable position against the wall and pulled Jack back onto him. Jack's sobs continued long after his slowed breathing told Daniel he'd fallen asleep again.

He sat there on the floor, holding Jack as he slept and thinking. The bottom line was-to his mind-not as horrible as he'd feared. Jack, however responsible he held himself for the midshipman's death, had not actually taken Al Jenner's life. Convincing him that he wasn't to blame for Al's suicide would take time, but they could work on it. The fact that he'd used the word 'murder' was an indication of the depth of his guilt over the matter. In Jack's line of work, even 'damned distasteful things' implied a reasoned, measured--if regrettable--action. Murder, on the other hand, was never sanctioned.

And as romantic interludes went, Daniel chose not to call what Jack and Al had shared an actual 'relationship'. There had been a single instance of petting. Okay, heavy petting, which had not resulted in either man climaxing. He frowned, finding it interesting that his ego should need to make that distinction. Simply put, he was glad that Jack had not fully experienced sex with another man. Daniel felt a moment of shame at this unbelievably possessive thought, but was able to move past it without too much difficulty. His biggest relief was the confirmation that Jack's prejudice against gays was not the result of an attempted rape, which was what he had feared had happened. Daniel knew from his encounter with Hathor that rape was not something which could be resolved quickly or easily. His own experience had left deep emotional scars that still surfaced occasionally, and that often threatened not only his self-esteem, but his very self-image. He was glad that Jack would not have to deal with that particular pain.

He tightened his hold on his lover and let his own head fall back against the wall, closing his eyes. This had been a rough twelve hours for both of them, but they'd survived it. They'd identified the roadblock and they could work together to remove it. They could begin to move on now; they had all the time in the world. And when Jack was ready, Daniel would be his first. And last.

Next: Finding Equilibrium